Unbelievably sick jokes

A vampire walks into a bar, 'pint of blood landlord' he says. The barman gives him his order.
A second vampire walks into the bar, 'pint of your finest blood please' he says. Again, the barman pours his order.
A third vampire walks into the bar and says 'a mug of hot water please barman'. The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks- 'why the f*** do you want hot water for?' The vampire answered- 'i found a used tampon and i'm making tea'.
The Catholic Church has finally agreed on the new format for voting in the new head of their church. Next Sat night, Simon Cowell will hosp Pope Idol
Micheal Jackson is to attend the Priory Clinic after the trial, to cure him of his 12 year old crack habit
Me:- Boss i am not coming into work to day coz i am sick.

Boss:- How sick are you?

Me:- Well i am in bed with my sister
What's Celtic and the Pope got in common. They were both fecked by Hearts attacks at the weekend :)
Pikey family sitting down to dinner, and in walks the son with next door's daughter- red faced and sweaty. The father jumps up and shouts- 'if she's not good enough for her own family- she's not bloody well good enough for ours!'
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.

Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He sh*t in his hand and had a w*nk.

Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!

Q: Who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?
A: The girl who can eat the last onion ring

Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Whats the difference between a jew and Pizza?

A pizza doesnt scream when you put it in a oven!
Q. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head?
A. Partially disabled.

Q. What are the first symptoms of Aids?
A. A pounding sensation in the arrse.

Q. What's the similarity between a carton of milk and a woman?
A. They both need their flaps pushed back before you can get to the
good bits.

Q. How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?
A. When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you
..up the arrse with her clitoris.

Q. What's 14inchs long, purple and makes women scream?
A. Cot-death
Whats the Difference between a Woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?


When your finished with the leg and the breast, you still have a greasy box to stick your bone into.


Friday night and a teenage chavette wants to go out clubbing with her mates for the evening, so she goes downstairs to the living room and asks her Father if she can go out.

He's of an incestuous persuasion so says
"Yeah, you can go out....but I wan't a blowjob first".

The Daughters incredulous and replies "no way"

So, she stomps back upstairs to her room and is sitting there bored and after a while starts thinking 'maybe it wouldn't be so bad' so back downstairs she goes to her Father and agrees to his terms...

He's sitting there with his trousers round his ankles and she starts performing, when she looks up aghast and says..
"this tastes like sh*t"
to which her Father replies,
"Well, your brother wanted to go out as well"[hr]
Bloke approaches Paddy and says: Paddy will you take part in a race for charity...

Paddy: I'm not as fit as I was I can't be arsed
Bloke: Oh go on paddy its for spastics and blind kids
Paddy: Oh fuck it go on then, I could win that one
What's the difference between sand and menstrual blood?

You can't gargle sand...
What's worse than nailing a baby to a tree?

Ripping it off again..
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?

Shut up and get back in the oven.

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.


The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom "Kid's.... there's good news and bad news."

"The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago"

"The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.

The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."

The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his scratchings in your neck."
Two men are sitting in a restaurant. There is also a gypsy woman sitting opposite to them with her legs wide spread.

One man says: "Look, she has such dark hair on her genitals!" the other says: "Oh no, it isn't hair, it is dark panties!" Then they made a bet - £100 . A waiter goes by so they ask him to find out for them.

He did so, but takes all the money and walks away. "What happened, why are you taking the money?!" Asked the waiter.

He replies: "Neither of you was right! She had her period and there were flies on her!"

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."[hr]
not exactly a joke but....

why is Heather Mill-McCartney always banging on about landmines when she's only half as much at risk as anyone else?

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