Umbrellas - Why?

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by RFUK, Dec 2, 2006.

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  1. Despite the fact that it's hardly raining, the local town centre is ram packed with confused looking old women wielding these unsightly contraptions and their razor sharp spikes which seem to narrowly miss my eyes whenever they walk past.


    So I propose that umbrellas should be banned, along with smoking, in all public places. To enfore this law, there should be umbrella police and anyone caught using an umbrella when the rain is under a certain intensity should be tasered and fined a hefty sum.


  2. Anyone under 5'10" should be banned outright from carrying one. They're a f*cking menace.
  3. They do narc me.
    However it isnt the contraption themselves. It is the maniacs that wield them and the various sizes they come in.
    Shopping areas are usually crowded enough without having a maniac charching down the street like a wild bull blindfolded in possesion of a golfing umbrella swinging it round like Thor's hammer.
    The Fact that people when stationary have this overwhelming desire to 'spin said instrument in their hand, causing the rain to fly off causing great distress to passers by, and inturn turnng the device into some sort of spinning wheel of death and injury.
    And then you have the high street RSM, they have the longest black umbrella in the world but for some reason do not put it up when raining. Instead they wield the thing like a pacestick prodding and pokeing anyone who dares venture anywhere near them.
    You walk out of a shop on a rainy day into something only comparable with the bottom of niagra falls when umbrella users stop to shake off the brolly like a complete suicidal maniac with an OCD.

    Ahhh rant over :D
  4. I cant stand the idiots with the massive oversize brollies that you could have a footbal match under, you know the ones with a company logo all over it.

    And the people whom seem to wait until you are right in front of them before opening and closing it rapidly and spraying you with water.

  5. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    Manchester especially the ramp to picadilly station is full of midget s weilding brollies, when I get to be home secretary I'll shoot the lot of them!
    I'll also make wearing of brimmed hats compulsary for said midgets.

  6. Is that you tasering a granny there? Or are you pulling out a brolly spike from her head with some pliers?

    Yeah but ASBO could be an option.

    Or move somewhere nice and sunny and not crowded, see where I am? You know it makes sense!
  7. I've always wanted one of those Bulgarian umbrellas from the 1970s.

  8. Actually that's me tasering my own granny. Sighting me in the town, she let out a war cry and ran towards me wielding her umbrella. As it was hardly raining, I came to the conclusion that she was using it as a weapon and - quite justifiably - put 50,000 volts through her.

    Of course, she may just have been happy to see me, but in this day in age you can't be too careful and hesitation could see you blinded or even killed. I'd like to encourage others to take the same steps to protect themselves.
  9. Yes indeed, well anticipated, you never know what could have happened, very public spirited of you looking out for your fellow Joe public.

    I wonder if the brolly holders just like the feeling of security, in that no-one is able to get that close to them? Throw a pineapple at them and see how they like, that's what I say.

    Multi-pronged jousting weapons pah!
  10. Ahh. Presumably you're thinking of the élite but somewhat secretive 49 para umbrella assault platoon?

  11. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Fecking brill!

    "I'm singin' in the rain, just singin' in the rain. What a glorious feeling; I'm happy again!!!!!!!!" Morecombe & Wise, you just have to luv them :headbang:
  12. Oh dear. We've been relegated to the ARRSE Hole. I'll find a new hobby...