ULOTC memories

Working behind the bar for Scoops with that wonderful policy of one free drink for every customer you serve.  Or was that just me...

Then it'd be down to Locos or Hombres until it was time to drag the nearest young girly home.

Oh happy, happy days!
Maj "Chill" and his famous nights out  at Les Scandales before it was closed after a drugs raid  ;D (Los Locos was too upmarket at the time)

Hans the nutty German Para and his midnight base jumping in Andora/nights on STANTA in Jan without a sleeping bag / Swim across the Tamar at Tregantle that got him on the next flight home with the RMP. (So many stories about Tregantle that it will go down in the annals of history!)

Lt "Prize Turnip", Lt Col "Victorian Dad" and the "Vomit Bus" back from Stonehouse, "Nige", the best Sigs PSI anyone could wish for, and the all nighters in the Sgt's Mess.

SUO "Sexy" C*****n (still love ya Vix!), "Knuckles" B***y (Aaaaaaaaaaathlone!) "Murphs" and the world's worst beret, K O'K when he was still a JUO!!!!

Fine memories!  ;D
The infamous Stonehouse massacre.  Before my time, but the stories are legend.

Met the mad German, for the first time, halfway up a mountain in Bavaria.  Appaling weather, howling wind and tipping down with rain.  Then, out of nowhere, wearing shorts and a t-shirt appears this random bloke saying "Hi, I'm Hans you are are London OTC?"  Very, very strange man!  Though did get plenty of rounds in as I recall...
Staying up all night in the sgts mess and sleeping on the guncage roof.

BSM's beastings every afternoon, discovering you had to mix Pimms with Lemonade.

HMP Rollestone and the competions between a Marine and a Para called Smith (more press ups more press ups) Some idiot pissing on my bed at Warcop (dragged him outside and he actually passed out whilst talking to me)

Downing Street Bomb, poll tax riot, fall of Berlin wall, learning the make up of a soviet MRD and the USSR ceasing to exist..

Stupid SPAMS who came to the unit in their ROTC uniforms at a time PIRA was bombing TA buildings.

Nutty SUO who could remember the entire script of Apocalypse Now, Xmas Balls, sexy Athlone girls, jumpers for goal posts in the park, and a German Bag pipe player....

Best of all the fact that whereever I go in life there are people who were there with me , the best club I was ever in.....

(even if a few people were right a---holes)

The "Stonehouse Massacre" had to be seen to be believed!!  ;D When time allows I will post the annals of what was a defining moment in ULOTC history (as I recall it anyway).

Did "Nobby C" ever get the piss stains out of his kecks after Johnny M's knob slipped out of the bottle between the starter and main course?  ;D
In the mid-1990s, I was posted to an OTC as an instructor for a year. We did our camp at Sennybridge, with ULOTC doing theirs the fortnight immediately afterwards.

A bunch of good lads/lasses from the ULOTC advance party came out to help with exercise enemy for our lot, and so I ended up running an almost-section of their OCdts........

...to cut a long story short, there was a bit of fraternisation on the last night of our camp / first night of theirs, except that one of my "attached" ULOTC lasses, and one of our blokes, ended up being captured on video by the camp security cameras. Gravely serious ;) Except her mates got hold of a copy of the tape, I hear :(
When I joined ULOTC shortly after the "Stonehouse Massacre" my section was taken aside by the section commander who told us the 'tale' with strict instructions that we had to pass on the story to those who joined over the coming years.  So when I was a Section commander and later Platoon Commander I dutifully passed on the story, much to athlone's amazement and amusement.  

I just wish I had been there to witness the epic event!
Mary: I'd be interested to see how this compares with the story you have been told!

It actually all kicked off the day before the dinner when we had "stand training" in the middle weekend between the MTQ continuation training and pre-RMAS Cadre and the all-arms phase and FTX the following week. Most of the previous week we had been out most days until 9pm or later and by the time we got sorted/showered/changed it was about 1030 and the CO insisted on closing the bar at 11, so there was huge amounts of binge drinking, and drinks going back to the 12 man rooms in the blocks. That Saturday we finished training at 10 am and had a sports morning/sleep before getting transport into Plymouth. Gun troop laid on a few 4-tonners to ship their lads into and back from town, which the whole contingent abused. Most of us did our own things in groups and then went on the piss as we had a pay parade on the Fri night and got an advance on the 2 weeks pay. Most of the PSIs came out with us, and a few lads almost drove into Q "Dickie" M******an (bulldog chewing a wasp, but a top guy), so being a bit hard (and worst for wear) he stood in front of the car when it turned round and threatened to take all 5 of them who were in the car. It got into a bit of a scuffle involving most of the PSIs and as many of us as could wade in before legs and arms started getting ripped off these 5 lads who turned out to be Matelots.

On the Sunday morning the CO got us all in the cookhouse and said that he had been a bit hard on us the previous week by not giving us any social time, but that he had got on to the CO at Stonehouse Barracks and arranged the use of the cookhouse for a Contingent Dinner so we could let our hair down, and that we would all have to make a £15 contribution towards food/wine. He also alluded to a spot of bother in town the night before and that he expected no repeats of the kind of incidents he had heard about (but obviously couldn't prove). He told us that the dress was jacket & tie and female equivalent and that the ladies and senior officers would be bussed in coaches and the men would travel in the back of 4-tonners. We then spent the day being run ragged round more stand training and were given only 30 mins to shower and change before the transport left. Most of us were tired, hungry (a lot of us didn't get lunch that day), and pissed off. We arrived at Stonehouse and the dinner kicked off with a pre-dinner drink and most of us got a few v large G&Ts down our heads. When the dinner kicked off we were caning the wine and anything else we could get our hands on, and the mood started to get a bit ugly because all the talk on the tables was about how much of a twat the CO was, and we just carried on drinking (that's when Jonny M couldn't hold it any more, tried lagging in an empty bottle and missed wazzing all over Knobby C. (There's a theme developing here).
When the dinner ended everyone was utterly shitfaced and the CO got on the bus with the girls, who were really gone. A few of them threw up in the bus, and one managed to cover the back of the CO's seat in technicolour yawn (one described it as a river of vom running down the coach). Most of us got the transport back at about midnight and started turning in when the some of the JUOs started coming round saying the CO was in the guardroom going mental and we should just get our heads down. At about 1 am we were all called on parade by the Adj. As we were forming up we noticed he couldn't stand up straight and was slurring his orders. One of the guys in my room (an Irish guy whose name I can't remember) started giggling and Lt Ed "Prize-Turnip" (the HAC dumped him on us for being clinically useless as anything but target practice) started taking himself more seriously than he should have been and pushed the OCdt. Prize-Turnip got a bit of a shock when matey started accusing him of assault and shouting at him across the parade square and threatening to have him up for ABH, and had to be dragged off Lt P-T. The Adj started reading down the list of officers from the 2 1/c down all of the staff officers and PSIs and only those left in the rear party were in camp. He then went down the list of 2Lts and JUOs/ Ocdts by room. Knobby was in our room but had passed out on the bed. Someone had tried undressing him and his pants were round his ankles (he never wore undies for some reason, really disturbing) and when the Adj called his name someone replied "he's passed out on the bed Sir!". The Adj demanded we get him so with Sgt Maj W*****s (the only RMP I ever liked) we carried him back on the parade square his bollox hanging out a stream of piss steaming behind him with WO2 W shouting at him "If you're sick on me Sir I'll gaol you for the rest of your life!!". We dumped him on the parade square before the CO walked off in disgust. "Cav" C*****n started laughing and was gaoled. He was sent to the guardroom and said he had to use the heads and disappeared for 20 mins, apparently because he couldn't get his trousers back on after trying to pull them up with both feet down one leg. He was taken outside to sober up and just walked off threatening to charge anyone that stopped him. We were all dismissed and sent back to our rooms.

The following morning someone turned the radio on and there was a news story about a German sailor who had jumped over the side of a ship and a search and rescue operation had been triggered. Someone commented that this was the kind of nutty thing that Hans might do. When we got to the cookhouse Hans was sat eating his breakfast with 2 MPs either side of him. We asked around, but no-one knew what was going on. Someone saw him being led back to his block and a few of us followed him, and when he was alone we asked what had happened, this (as best as I can remember it) was his reply (and apologies for the German accent!)

"I vent out vis ze PSIs to a nightclub where we got drunk and danced. At about 2 am we were kicked out and we valked back to ze ferry. I was not sure if ze ferry was coming and so I walked down the quayside a bit until I saw a jetty. I decided zat I could make better time myself and found a bin bag to put my clothes in and I sat on ze jetty and contemplated ze tide. I got into ze water and began to swim with one arm, holding ze bag with ze other. I washed up on ze other bank much further downstream zan I thought and had to walk back to ze camp. I decided that it would be dangerous to walk down the side of such empty country roads as I might not be seen and run over, so I started walking down the middle of ze road while I dried out. About half way back to camp a taxi stopped and asked me where I was going. I told him, but said I did not have any money, but he gave me a lift back to ze gates anyway. I was called in to see the CO this morning who said that I had started a search and rescue operation and that I must return home".

What had happened was that a woman had seen Hans sat on the quayside naked with his clothes in a bag and thought he was trying to commit suicide and phoned the police. He got into the water and started swimming across the Tamar (the most tidal basin in the UK) and the tide dragged him almost 5 miles downstream towards the bay. An RN minesweeper was coming into port after an exercise and picked up the message from the Coastguard to be on the lookout for a suicidal swimmer. Hans washed up on the shore, by which time the news had broken on the local radio that someone had gone into the Tamar, and the Taxi driver had just dropped off his last fare when he saw Hans and stopped. Figuring something was wrong ( a semi-naked German who was soaking wet walking the streets was a bit unusual) he took him back to camp and called the police. The police then called off the search and the following morning an Asst Commissioner paid the CO a visit.

Later that morning the CO called another conference in the cookhouse and gave a very brief account of what had happened the night before and said that he had misjudged the mood of the evening, but that was by no means an excuse for our behaviour. After that, nothing more was ever said publicly about what had happened at Stonehouse.    

I do know that there was a LOT more that happened that night that I didn't witness, so anything that can be added is appreciated.
Pretty much what I was told.

I think I was also told that someone threw up on the COs shoes and that all the PSIs threatened to resign!

Reference K O'K, he is about to return to A Coy!
I forgot about the PSIs!!!!  :eek:

The RSM was being commissioned and was leaving at the end of camp and was dined out. The tradition was that the CO is always invited, but the RSM hated him so much that he deliberately didn't invite him. After his dinner he got v drunk and rounded up a load of the JUOs and some of the OCdts he got on with and had an all-nighter in his room. At some dark hour he got up and announced to all of the PSIs that he was "going to twat the Colonel!" and proceeded down the corridor to the CO's room. He got most of the way there before passing out in the corridor. Being good oppos the PSIs decided to leave him there until morning, but forgot to pick him up in time for the COs rousing and morning run/shower. The CO, seeing the now ex-RSM slumped in the corridor just stepped over him and carried on walking down the corridor.

But yes, they all did threaten to resign en-masse, including the TA WO2s, because after the dinner the CO called all of the SNCOs in for a mass bollocking for being out when the Adj did the roll-call, and they objected to being treated like children when there was no legitimate way that the CO could impose a curfew. He also tried (unsuccessfully) to close the Sgts Mess bar each night on camp. The first thing the new RSM had to do when he arrived in the 2nd week of camp was calm all of his WO2s down. I had an immense amount of respect for both PB and FB, the former for being more like Windsor Davies than Windsor Davies, but doing it with such good humour and the latter for really taking the time and effort to look after each and every one of us in his quieter, but no less authorative way.

Did you hear about the RGJ Cpl who was there with his sect to DS and play enemy who pulled one of the girls that collected the fares on the Torpoint ferry? He presented himself the following morning at HMS Nelson's sick bay with a piece of corn wedged in his jap's eye from shagging her up the arrse?  ;D Or the JUO who got so drunk he wandered into the bogs in the girls block and was caught in one of the traps having a tug?  
My God, I genuinely am stunned....

Here I was thinking I had been seen some really wild nights  and infact I was only in the Cubs compared with this.......

Ladies and Gentlemen I salute you and bask in your reflected glory.....
Ah the Stonehouse massacre….sounds very much how I remember it….the reason why..I was spammed for driving, so sober!!!

A classic of its time…there are a few details re the dinner that I would like to add.  As I believe the Marines had just come back from a training ex somewhere abroad and were all-knackered when 200 Ocdts turned up on their doorstep this only added fuel to the fire.  The bar was not so much of a bar as a hole in the wall and trying to serve everyone was a nightmare so by the time dinner was served people just started necking the wine like it was going out of fashion.  As a consequence people were rat arrsed v quickly.  For some reason during the start of the main course several Mexican waves started with virtually everyone included, I say virtually as they started at Mr vice  and carried on to the top table and stopped at the CO!  This carried on from all legs of the tables.  It was also a case of not who left the table to go and have a leak but who stayed and did not!

The other memories where at the speeches when one Maj “shortie” T. stood up on the table in front of the 200 chanting cadets and stopped them with “Ladies, Gentlemen, Quiet…Carry on Colonel!”  

Two other memories where, bearing in mind we were on the 3rd floor of one of the building for this dinner. A couple of the lads were leaning out of a window drinking their pints watching the Marines go by when one of them slipped and dropped their glass.  Now this kinda upset said Marine who happened to be about 3ft away from it as it smashed into the ground about him….not sure what happened next…but I don’t think any blood was spilt! Correct me if I am wrong….also the Marine RSM who somehow became all wound up when it was reported to him that one of the Ocdts had been seen p1$$ing on his parade square!

The vom bus I seem to remember managed to make a duty officer for the remainder of camp! Good bless Cav!  The boys were as bad always nice to hose down a 4T at the end of the night!!

Have to leave with the JUO’s  dinner when Jerry the Scoff when asked about the Soup for starters tasting a bit odd was heard to reply. Soup what soup I had none so used gravy!  ::) God bless him!
I forgot about the Mexican waves and Shorty doing his nut! Did you see people sneaking under the tables and swapping seats during the wait between the courses? I think that was what kicked off the whole wave thing.

I know the SUO (Vix C) got a right earful off the CO for the events and the new RSM lost his rag with the CO for that because (as he quite rightly said) if he hadn't mis-judged the OCdts and SNCOs so badly none of it would have happened in the first place. Still at least Cav throwing up on the CO meant that someone other than the rest of us had to do everything from morning guard to reconciling the weapons manifest on the last day. And to make matters worse, the coach I was coming back to London in broke down!

Was it just me, or did Jerry the Scoff have dubious personal hygiene? Still he did get one bonus after the JUO's dinner, he got to rub Rachael P******s feet coz she said they were tired after doing a waiting duty, something most of us would have queued up a long time for.  ;D

The BBQ on the last night was a good laugh, started down on the beach and finished up on the lawn over the MT square with Julian "Skippers" doing his impressions of the CO right in front of him.

The CO and adj of the time were "inspired" choices by Glasgow, a CO who had no idea how to relate to YOs after spending most of his time as a Maj as a staff officer to generals (though in fairness to him, he was excellent at entertaining people at things like the Contingent dinner) and who didn't know how to relax, and an Adj that was a non-grad and took pride in telling people how much he hated students and thought that they were all wastes of tax-payers money (and meant it) and could in turns be sadistic and mean, but equally sometimes showed a human side. I don't know if anyone reading this was at Sarah Frieze's funeral (she was an OCdt who was tragically killed on exercise with her old TA RE unit), but his obituary had everyone both in tears of sadness and laughter. No-one could ever work the guy out. Even people I know from his Regt said he was an odd-ball with a Jekyle and Hyde personality.
Would the maj be  the man who used to cut up deer in the Officers mess kitchen sink? He was a good bloke if he liked you. I sometimes came in the that catergory but mostly did not!!

Trotsky :eek:


Follow ups:
Girl captured on Sennybridge security camera giving blow-job now a Sgt in Met.
All Stonehouse massacre stuff true.
I was caught shagging a girl with one leg in plaster by female Lt P. on the battlements.
My oppo (knuckles) was shagging the Met girl in the back of a wagon.
Female Officer "What are you doing?.. Oh that's disgusting!" We got away with it though.
RSM was actually thrown in nick for a while by Mountain and Arctic Warfare Cadre for pissing on their parade square.
Was that female Lt's initial's PD and was she the recruiting officer?

The Met girls can't have been choosy/sober as we didn't call him "Knuckles" because of his good looks!  :eek: That was after the BBQ on the last night? I think the gen about the "Battlements" was going around on the final morning. Didn't someone get into a bit of fisticuffs with the Bristol OTC guys on adv party when found shagging one of their girlies?
Follow ups:
Girl captured on Sennybridge security camera .... now a Sgt in Met.
Strangely reassuring - having spent a couple of days on exercise with that group, she came across as a nice lass with a good sense of humour. Just the sort for the Polizei.

Mind you, the bulk of the conversations for the group (which consisted of her, Mr O-P the double-barrelled, a blonde mature student nurse, and an afro-caribbean Brit who seemed surprised that a Jockinese punter like me could pronounce his name correctly at the first attempt) did seem to be bad imitations of a porno flick set in the 17th century........


Woops - It was indeed Lt P. D.
As for Knuckles, when you're JUO Ath - you get whoever you want.
The fisticuffs story: I was on adv pty, what I remember is that we had a girl with us who was (this is going to sound very uncharitable) the most howling thing in NATO, Vic C, she was a virgin and the Bristol lads clubbed together £100 for the bloke willing to bust her cherry. Anyway, one of them did, she found out and went nuts. She was the one who on the Stonehouse Massacre midnight parade went up to the adj and informed him that the whole unit's behaviour was "disgusting and so was he". Few months later she went totally crazy, ran into a police station and told them the KGB were after her. Ended up in a loony bin. OP now in Armoury House - as insane as ever.
Rifleman, of course SHE was the one in plaster - you know I'm howling. Last time I saw her she was a driver in 10 Para!

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