UKIP. We're hiring

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#1
I have joined UKIP. It cost me £30 and all citizens will rejoice.

I did not do this because I think Nigel Farage is a man I would trust to escort my daughters to the toilet. I did it because I am a predatory reptile with an eye to the main chance.

I fancy a shot at being a MP.

And those of you who know and love me, know that when I fancy something it gets fucking fancied.

We require a support team.

No toothy bastards please. Unless you can dress like a student, blend in and try not to smuggle gats back through Customs.

We will require REME Mechs and some EOD's in time. But not just yet. Wait out. We'll be in touch. I have my own Darksiders but if you want to put in your CV, feel free, weirdo.

Right now I require:

1) Blonde media mermaids.
2) A big, spooky looking fuck who will throw himself into a hail of bullets to save me.
3) A driver. With the ability to shut the fuck up and just drive the motor (RLC and London taxi drivers need not apply).
4) Strategists. To tell me what to say so I do not look like a cunt on the telly.
5) Dog handlers. Why I need them is on a NTK basis. So just turn up with the deg. Trust me.
6) Honest people who will say they knew me at school and I was all right and not a complete raj.
7) Coppers. My criminal record is not a concern here. So let us vanish it, shall we?
8 ) A poor and worthy gardener to look after me Mums grave. Because I will be busy jetting around the world talking to important people.
9) An accountant. Those expenses are not going to hide themselves, are they?
10) An egg boiler. Egg & tomato sandwiches are my favorites.

UKIP. We're hiring.
 
#2
I can I apply for any thing to do with handling the Media if it means I get to punch jurnos.
 
#3
I'll drive you, don't worry about me talking, I'll be too busy chain smoking to talk!
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#4
I can I apply for any thing to do with handling the Media if it means I get to punch jurnos.
Yeah, no problem. We are hiring Media Mermaids. Simply provide proof that you are a natural blonde and you can start on Monday.
 
#5
Eggs? I'm yer man for boiled eggs.

Only problem is I can only do them 7 at a time and you will have to pick one.

Hope that won't be a show stopper?
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#6
I'll drive you, don't worry about me talking, I'll be too busy chain smoking to talk!
Sound. One less thing to worry about.

Whats your take on Palestine getting non-member observer status at the UN? Shit. Sorry. You are smoking a fag. SORRY ALL RIGHT?

You are hired.
 
#7
2,3&5 gaffer. you know it makes sense.
we won't stand out at all in the '59 Thunderbird.
 
#8
Sound. One less thing to worry about.

Whats your take on Palestine getting non-member observer status at the UN? Shit. Sorry. You are smoking a fag. SORRY ALL RIGHT?
I'll answer anyway coz that's an easy question: Aston Villa
 
#9
Count me in Your Grace.

I have a modicum of low cunning, and do a very good "dark and menacing" if required.

I also have a dog with a penchant for eating other dogs poo. I always thought she would be ideal in politics.
 
#10
I would join you but the Land Forces would be lost without me!
After all you probably will pay even less than i get now!
Not that your a tight money grabbing future fat cunt!

Oh and good luck.
 
#11
I,m poor and managed to grow some nustariums last year and havent killed the lavender i planted from seen much to my suprise.
i also have a staff that goes mental around other dogs
 
#13
If you need someone to drive the UKIP outrage bus I am available at a reasonable price.
For a little extra I would be willing to wave a placard and throw rotton fruit at Johnny Foreigner.
 

seaweed

LE
Book Reviewer
#14
Not planning to adopt a child then.
 
#16
I speak several languages and could translate things like, 'Go home, you Johnnie foreigner type' and 'Don't even think of coming here, unless you're very rich or pretty.'

Stuff like that. You'll need some sort of overseas diplomatic representation, so as you can come and visit when the weather is nice.
 
#17
Is there room for a young up and coming MP who will visit strip clubs on expenses, shag his nubile secretary, and occasionally grumble about "johnny foreigner" interfering with British life?
 
#20
I can I apply for any thing to do with handling the Media if it means I get to punch jurnos.
No no. It's the BNP minders who go around hitting Journo's.

There's a difference you know. BNP are extreme dilusional Right-wing nutters and UKIP are . . .Err . . hang on!
 

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