I have joined UKIP. It cost me £30 and all citizens will rejoice. I did not do this because I think Nigel Farage is a man I would trust to escort my daughters to the toilet. I did it because I am a predatory reptile with an eye to the main chance. I fancy a shot at being a MP. And those of you who know and love me, know that when I fancy something it gets fucking fancied. We require a support team. No toothy bastards please. Unless you can dress like a student, blend in and try not to smuggle gats back through Customs. We will require REME Mechs and some EOD's in time. But not just yet. Wait out. We'll be in touch. I have my own Darksiders but if you want to put in your CV, feel free, weirdo. Right now I require: 1) Blonde media mermaids. 2) A big, spooky looking fuck who will throw himself into a hail of bullets to save me. 3) A driver. With the ability to shut the fuck up and just drive the motor (RLC and London taxi drivers need not apply). 4) Strategists. To tell me what to say so I do not look like a cunt on the telly. 5) Dog handlers. Why I need them is on a NTK basis. So just turn up with the deg. Trust me. 6) Honest people who will say they knew me at school and I was all right and not a complete raj. 7) Coppers. My criminal record is not a concern here. So let us vanish it, shall we? 8 ) A poor and worthy gardener to look after me Mums grave. Because I will be busy jetting around the world talking to important people. 9) An accountant. Those expenses are not going to hide themselves, are they? 10) An egg boiler. Egg & tomato sandwiches are my favorites. UKIP. We're hiring.