Twas on the good ship Venus...


War Hero
OK chaps, I'm after the most complete version of this song we can muster, but I want it to be a bit game-ish as well.

No copy and pastes from other websites of the supposed 'entire' song.
No copying and pasting Frigging in the Rigging by the Sex Pistols.
Only one verse per post.

You can double post if you think the verses you have to offer justify it.

I'll kick us off with the first verse and the chorus (no, before you all whinge, it doesn't count). And for the love of Christ check to make sure no one has posted the verse you're offering up before. Oh, and it'd be nice if we got no contradictory verses, ie. 3 'first mates' with different names. So be imaginative and change things about a bit if you have to get them to fit nicely, even if the good ship Venus ends up with 50 ship's mates....

Twas on the good ship Venus,
By God you should have seen us;
The figure-head was a whore in bed,
And the mast was the captains penis.

Friggin' in the riggin',
Wankin' on the plankin',
Masturbatin' on the gratin',
'Cause there's f*ck all else to do.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
The cooks wifes name was Mable
By God she weren't half able
She gave the crew their daily due
Upon the galley table.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
The bosun's name was Carter
He was a dirty farter
When the wind wouldn't blow
And the ship wouldn't go
Carter the farter would start her
The Cabin boy was Kipper
'E was a fukcin' nipper
E' crammed 'is arrse with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper
The Captain's name was Morgan
By Christ he was a Mormon
Ten tunes a day we'd play away
On his fecking organ.
The First Mate's name was Cooper
By Christ he was a trooper
He jerked and jerked until he worked
Himself into a stupor.
The Second Mate was Andy
By Christ he had a dandy
'Til they crushed his c0ck with jagged rocks
For coming in the brandy
The Gunners Mate was Topper
By God he had a Whopper
Once Round the Deck
Twice round his neck
And up his arrse for a stopper.
Hugh_Jardon said:
The Cabin boy was Kipper
'E was a fukcin' nipper
E' crammed 'is arrse with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper
The Cabin boy was Kipper
'E was a dirty little nipper
E' blocked 'is bum with bubble gum
And vulcanised the skipper


War Hero
The captain had a daughter
Who fell into the water;
Delighted squeals revealed that eels
Had found her sexual quarter...


War Hero
The ship's cook's name was Freeman
He was a dirty demon
He served the crew with menstrual stew
And hymens fried in semen.
FFS the cook's already been done (fnar fnar) :roll:

The dog his name was Rover,
The whole crew did him over,
We ground and ground that faithful hound,
From Singapore to Dover.
The Captain of this starker
He wept to leave his mother
He wasn't fit to shovel sh1t
From one place to another
The captain's wife was Charlotte
She was a natural harlot
All through the night her thighs shone white
By morning they were scarlet.
While crossing the equator
The crew did elevate her
She bared her ass on the topmost mast
And dared the crew to mate her.
The cook's name was O'Malley
He didn't dilly-dally
He shot his bolt with such a jolt
It whitewashed half the galley
A cook whose name was Davey
Was cashiered from the Navy
He dipped the bread inside the head
And served it up as gravy.
The first mate was a n*gger
Who thought that his was bigger
He tried to screw a .22
And some cnut pulled the trigger
Each sailor lad's a brother
To each and one another
We'd take great pains at our daisy-chains
Whilst writing home to mother
We knew sooner or later
Approaching the equator
That every Jack would have a whack
At turning fornicator

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