Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by B_AND_T, Jan 13, 2010.

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  1. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Having sat here for the best part of 6 hours with the second part of the shite I had to crimp off this morning making it's presence felt. How long should I leave it before releasing the load.

    Do I offload at work wasting their time and not mine, or, do I wait till I get home in the hope that it will create enough of a smell to cause the wife to gag?

    Decisions, Decisions!
  2. If it's a stinker you go into the civilian women's bogs and lay the bugger down. Don't forget not to flush, close the windows and turn the rads up. If no civvy women's then Officer's bogs or any bog strategically close enough to the CO, Adjt, RSM to cause extreme discomfort.

    Don't get caught. Remember it's only floating turds that are called Nigels.
  3. Pah. Your course of action is already known to you.

    Prior to ceasing your labours for the day, you deposit about 50% of the aforementioned jobby in the office trap, ideally the one furthest from the door. This is to better impress your co-workers: as they enter, they will be assailed by the full aroma of your lower colon whilst trying to stagger, teary-eyed, to the scene of the crime in an attempt to dispose of your largesse.

    The unexpired portion of your bowel movement is to be retained and conveyed homeward and laid at the alter of Thos. Crapper & Sons. On no account are you to flush. Your good lady will be more than happy to carry out that action for you.

    However, I do caution against any sudden or violent lower limb exercise during your trip home. Prolonged coughing or sneezing is a no-no, too.
  4. Working in civvie strasse now & at one of my previous tedious jobs there were two floors of offices etc. Downstairs was for the headsheds with their own thunderbox. I'd wait until mid afternoon after percolating a right steamer since the morning, escpecially if i'd been out for a ruby the night before. A nice relaxing 15mins spent downstairs on the executive throne curling one out of epic proportions that stank like sweaty minging swamp gas stagnant water. Its was fookin hideous & would make my own eyes sting.

    I'd laugh my cock off thinking of the gaffer wandering in there & copping a lungful of my hoop gas. He was cnut anyway so fcuk him.
  5. You have to offload at work to get the highest amount of bodies available. Also just put a piece of rolled up bog paper in the door near the hinge to allow the aroma to waft about like a glade plugin.
  6. At work in their time(taking as long as you like or until your legs go numb) using their bog roll (as much as you can,piling it up in the bog with the top layer displaying a sample of your masterpiece)their bog(in case you block it and 'cos you don't have to clean it) in the knowledge that your getting paid to do it.

    Leave it until later in the day so the stench is there to greet eveyone who nips in for a quick piss before going home.
  7. Does your workplace have electric heaters, if so can I suggest you wait until everyone departs, place a quantity of toilet roll down the pan of trap 1, lay your cable (the toilet roll will prevent it from sinking), turn the heaters to maximum and chock the toilet doors.

    Tomorrow you will truly be the envy of your colleagues.
  8. EDIT : beat me to it B_B

    If your hand dryer has one of those adjustable flaps things to re-direct the hot air to the face then load it up with a walnut whip. If it doesn't spray your ar5e muck all down the front of your boss it'll at least you will be able to find out which one of your fellow workers bothers to wash their hands after having a pi55..
  9. Set your standards high and go for it.
  10. Another question,

    Is the position of 'Phantom Shiitter' currently occupied at your workplace?

    If not, why don't you revive this now dying art form by placing your turd in some hard to find location in the office.

    You can watch in amazement while groups of near vomiting colleagues play 'Hunt the scat'

    Truly faecal fun for all the family

  11. That's the way to do it!!
  12. Dont forget to take a soldier mag into read as you crap!
  13. I still haven't got over the novelty of "letting polly out the cage" in the lift in work and getting out the floor before mine. Then biting my hand to stop a giggling fit as the nice lady Civil Servants get in for their elevenses.

    My guffs could strip the fur off a badger!
  14. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    I do that anyway, mainly for inspiration.
  15. I can heartily endorse the advice above. Yesterday morning, on my way in to work after a night on the Doom Bar, I suffered a sneezing fit.

    So if anyone was in Abbey Wood yesterday and thought the place stank of sh1te, that would have been me. Sorry.