Turd Tales merged - all poo threads in here please

#22
Best Cure for a hangover is 2 litres of water when i get in, a good couple of hours kip, a monster fry up followed by the post piss up turd
which is either a double thumper or like pissing out your arrse!
 
#24
There was an unwritten SOP in the block in Minden.

If yo crimped off a monster worthy of credit and applause you would simply leave it on the cack shelf in the German trumping pot and move into the next trap to wipe.

You could hear the cries of 'fcuk me' or 'Jesus christ' or 'dirty cnut' all the way up the corridor :D
 
#25
bernoulli said:
There is even a word for this;
Coprophilia.= sexual interest in excrement and defecation. :wink:
I thought it was called SCAT 8O . or is that just in Amsterdam.

Went to Jordan in 95. No shitters on those camps just a hole in the porcelin floor. And shower for afterwards. :? Royal feckin loved that :lol:
 
#28
Regardless of what its called if you have a coprophilia\scat fetish then your guaranteed to be horny at least once a day\week.

If you get off on schitt then youve got problems. 8O

Any way what does it mean if you pass a green turd :?
 
#29
Capt Cheeky said:
Right I take it the moral of the story is just grab your trusty entrenching tool and scuttle off on a Shovel Recce.... ?

Seems the safer bet after all this chat about Sh*t Monsters etc

Laughed..... I nearly shat!

CC :twisted:
certainly to be recomended..........

Although I know of one SNCO who was very squeamish when it came to matters of the backdoor and its produce.........He would nearly barf if you dropped an evil beef'n' cheese air biscuit.

He avoided the turdises on one ex for nearly 2 weeks and was starting to walk like john wayne as it backed up inside him and a small family of otters were living in his lower bowel. :?

One night he dissapeared off into the wood with a shovel, bog roll and peg for his nose.......all was quiet until there was an earsplitting scream and most people assumed it was a fox getting his cock trappped in the missus. It turned out the said staffie had given birth to a richard the third so vast, solid and impacted that he tore his anus and had to be casevaced with two field dressings clamped to arrse.........it took us a while to find him with the benefit of a cws to locate his pasty white arrse glowing in the moonlight and most of us were crying with laughter so badly that we dropped him off the improvised poncho stretcher 3 times :oops:

When he came back no one could look him in the face for weeks without pissing ourselves. :D

Priceless
 
#30
What about the double end dilemma when you are so ill you are spot welding uncontrollably out of both ends simultaneously. you're not close enough to honk in the sink and you try and projectile between your legs and mess yourself.
:oops: 8O
Nightmare
:oops: :oops: :cry:
 
#32
Ozgerbobble said:
What about the double end dilemma when you are so ill you are spot welding uncontrollably out of both ends simultaneously. you're not close enough to honk in the sink and you try and projectile between your legs and mess yourself.
:oops: 8O
Nightmare
:oops: :oops: :cry:
Hmm, Guinness sh*t and sea sickness on a very rough Portsmouth - Caen crossing a couple of years back. I just about managed to whip round to vom in the crapper. Had to use the shower to clean most of the bathroom though. Nice :twisted: :twisted: :lol:
 
#33
Yankenstein, you are a Wretch for posting that link, and an even bigger wretch for knowing where to find that stuff 8O . I hereby nominateyou for the UK "Most horrible little man of 2004" award, and think you are a strong candidate for the world's "Most horrible little man of 2004" award.

Wretch.

Yankenstein said:
Would this be the bird of which you speak? http://www.beefytreats.net/mt-archives/tubgirl.jpg
 
#34
i think the main problem with "ze krappen hausens" sausage side was the complete lack of a reassuring "plop" following the dreadnought leaving the slipway , it was almost like you hadn't really been , and with some of the cables i've laid there is always the danger of it coiling back on itself like a threatened cobra and biting your own arrse, and at the other end of the spectrum the back blast from fizzy bum gravy could leave you looking like you'd just been scrambling on your mountain bike.
 
#35
shortfuse said:
i think the main problem with "ze krappen hausens" sausage side was the complete lack of a reassuring "plop" following the dreadnought leaving the slipway , it was almost like you hadn't really been , and with some of the cables i've laid there is always the danger of it coiling back on itself like a threatened cobra and biting your own arrse, and at the other end of the spectrum the back blast from fizzy bum gravy could leave you looking like you'd just been scrambling on your mountain bike.
.....or when you drop one that stands up, then slowly topples forward to strike you squarely on the sack! 8O
 
#37
cait said:
hibby said:
veriety of logs one can drop,IE: the single smilie that sat there looking at you after the flush (you had to push it over the ledge by hand )the curler that wound round and looked like a wallnut whip :
Best turds are the Teflon Turds - nonstick, one wipe and your free to go!
You've just described my Staffy.
 
E

error_unknown

Guest
#38
After several weeks on old style compo during Lionheart (when was that? 85?) my battalion wound up in Detmold for a couple of nights before heading back to blighty. I peeled off to the crappers asap and coiled out something resembling an anaconda, which sat their on the inspection platform, waiting for its chance to jump out at me. Fecker must have been two feet long. I felt like I was walking on air after dropping that one.
 
#39
I understand the reasons the krauts like the built in inspection pans is because they are obsessed with the health of their guts etc they take supplements and everything and then eat tons of meat, pork, sauerkraut, and sausages of bewildering variety and wonder why their insides are fcuked and they are as a race perceived to be anally retentive. :D

" for us ze toilet is a function. For you british, it forms ze whole basis of your civilisation"......... :oops: :lol:

There is something very disconcerting about sitting inches away from the eartha kitt you thought you had got rid of and feeling the warm sweaty heat rising and get a whiff of the toxic noxious anal vapours......... 8O
 
#40
Going back to 1996, I was sharing a hellhole of a flat with a friend.

Now over the weekend our toilet got blocked, and after a weekend party, the thing was lietrally overflowing with shit (it was barely possible to put the lid down)

After much debating, we decided to sort it out ourselves, so armed with a soup ladle we began to scoop out the shit/sweetcorn/used tampons and empty into carrier bag with much gagging and tissue stuffed up noses.

Once the bag was filled - and it was - we didn't know what the feck to do with it, bin men would come for another 4 days!

So, in our slightly hungover state, we thought it would be a good idea to just chuck it out the window onto the road below.

Cue, Moodybitch running down to the street to do a recce of passing cars/people etc....once the coast was clear I gave the nod and down it flew....had to run like fcuk to avoid the exploding bag of shit!

Now we are older, we ALWAYS call a plumber!
 

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