Turd Fencing

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Corporal, Mar 3, 2005.

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  1. The other day, after my morning constitutional, I was presented with a problem. In the bowl was what looked to be the working end of an ogre's club, huge, dark and narly. I flushed, but the b*stard just sat there and laughed at me.

    So I grabbed the bog brush and started hacking at it like a lumberjack chopping down a redwood. It took me a good 5 minutes to get it chopped up into pieces small enough to get past the bend. But what do you do if there is no bog brush handy? Do we have any gold medal turd fencers out there?

    And the way Mrs. Corporal screamed at the poo freckles on the ceiling from my swinging of the brush will be with me forever. :D
  2. I'm a fan of the bog-paper raft. Carefully cover the surface of water - including any bits of turd which are still sticking up - with two or three layers of comfy-bum and then flush. The theory is that the paper creates a high-velocity projectile, sweeping all before it, and leaving the bog relatively pristine.

    Of course the reality is generally different, but I'm only on the 7653rd prototype.
  3. I've always found that the correct application of a Co2 fire extinguisher will clear the most stubborn growler.
  4. I can sympathise with you there Corporal. A few christmases ago my nephew deposited what can only be described as a full scale turd sculpture of a pringles tube. His brother (nephew 2) was the poor unfortunate individual who discovered it as the first nephew had just left his offering for all and sundry to admire after the first unsuccessful flush! the bog brush was of no use and bid a hasty retreat in the face of defeat of the mocking poo. Drastic measures were required to cut the beast down to size and a kitchen knife was promptly delivered to the front line to tackle the problem, A few slashes with the knife and tommy tit was subsequently dispatched to a watery grave.

    Oh, in case you may be wondering, the knife was thrown away safely and not re-used for kitchen duties. Kind of reminds me of that Steven Seagal film when the chef is called upon to fight the terrorists.
  5. Wimp.
  6. sorry ..... i thought this thread was about the garden section of B&Q.

    but as i'm here , i always find that going at work/someone elses house prevents you giving a holy f*ck wether you've left wheelspins , or a full blooded coco scud in the water. :D
  7. I can strongly recommend large parts of the lake district for plumbing free defecation.

    Failing that, a well aimed half brick will ensure more than adequate fragmentation. This, of course, is offset by the requirement to get your wallpaper scraper on to your newly decorated walls.
  8. If it was that impressive, pull the brute out and sell it as modern art... or dry, hollow and hey presto, a hand canoe.
  9. Corporal until recently I was plagued with the daily battle, using anything at hand, to force the poo monster into the abyss. These daily battles have taken their toll on me and are now physically exhausting. So I have come up with an ingenious way of eliminating them…I have modified my diet.

    For a month now I consume copious amounts of beer and 4-5 tablespoons of Tabasco sauce daily. This diet has the affect of turning any hardened poo monster into a quivering runny mess that can be easily flushed.

    WARNING: This diet is not for everyone. The first 2 weeks were extremely painful; my ring piece has suffered some irreparable nerve damage. All my trollies have a racing stripe and farting is something to do with extreme caution, but other then that I can sit on the bog and have a full unload without having to worry about an exhausting fight to follow.

    Am I in violation of the Geneva Convention for employing chemical warfare, or is beer and Tabasco sauce a natural and acceptable weapon for battling the hardest of all terror turds?
  10. I would have recomended lobbing a Thunderflash or other large firework down the pan, sit on lid and hey presto the methane soup released by the freshly released Otter will ignite and the problem grogan will be gone..................................but then again so will half the bathroom

    Hope this helps :lol:
  11. The trusty coathanger kept behind the cistern is always popular. For the fun factor, have an electric whisk handy. I had one disappear once, only to return sheepishly a few days later.
  12. For the last few weeks my turds have become ..... well, heavy. Since I can remember, my turds have floated. But now, solid a rock - out they come - and sink - not your slightly heavy and drift downward but like a rock - a really heavy rock -to the bottom of the U bend. I have had no change in diet. I am drinking no more than usual. I can't think why my turds should al of a sudden tun to rocks.

    Should I see a doctor or just enjoy the fact that they flush away with absolute ease - no messing about whatsover? :oops:
  13. I have found that plenty of peanuts washed down with beer, produces unsinkable turds.
    I don't have to throw back the duvet in the morning either - just let rip & it flies off the bed :p
  14. whats up with you w ankers............don't feck about, get your hand in there and push it under the U-bend.

    ............don't wash your hands and go make your workmates/wife/muckers a brew........bit nutty :D

  15. ... and the piece de resistance....

    smell my finger :twisted: