Trumping with Confidence

#1
Why can boys do it and girls can't?
 
#2
Because women don't fart


Honest 8O
 
#3
IrishDoris said:
Because women don't fart


Honest 8O
Pah, I'm sure you sound like a mis-firing two stroke doris!!!!! Remember to clench your buttocks together slightly and really force with those stomach muscles, get it to come from the entire large intestine and you're getting there.

Some egg banjos will help add to the aroma if you're having problems with being a little too lacking in the biological warfare department. As any self-respecting male can tell you alcohol and curry are a dead cert for a 5 mile exclusion zone the next morning
 
#4
crabby said:
IrishDoris said:
Because women don't fart


Honest 8O
Pah, I'm sure you sound like a mis-firing two stroke doris!!!!! Remember to clench your buttocks together slightly and really force with those stomach muscles, get it to come from the entire large intestine and you're getting there.

Some egg banjos
will help add to the aroma if you're having problems with being a little too lacking in the biological warfare department. As any self-respecting male can tell you alcohol and curry are a dead cert for a 5 mile exclusion zone the next morning
I am doing them now. Egg banjos with grass skirts.
 
#5
Don't forget the one-cheek lift. You're not looking for more than one or two inches. For best results, ensure you are sat on a plastic chair (although a church pew can be quite effective also)- and don't forget to call "Badger" at least three seconds before the smell permeates.
 
#6
Will that help the whiff, if I had the confidence?
 
#7
The same could be said of any sport Dale, I dont know why, but when it comes to anything more challenging than painting your nails or eating buns, burds are crap!
Perhaps you're just not competetive enough, or just too bloody lazy, but as with any challenging physical pursuit, leave it to the lads!
 
#8
sandmanfez said:
The same could be said of any sport Dale, I dont know why, but when it comes to anything more challenging than painting your nails or eating buns, burds are crap!
Perhaps you're just not competetive enough, or just too bloody lazy, but as with any challenging physical pursuit, leave it to the lads!
Is that a challenge dear?

Would you like to, ahem, bring it on?

Will the banjo with the grass skirts make me say "hold up meduck, get a whiff of that f ucker"?
 
#9
you don't wanna come near my backside at certain times of the month!

scent of something that crawled up there and died 8O


i do love the SBD ones though. leaving a nice air biscuit for that person that gets on your tits is a special thing indeed
 
#10
Dale the snail said:
Why can boys do it and girls can't?
You need to meet my wife, no joke, she is rancid, she could kill a civvie at 50 yards. she is a veggie and smell like something has died inside her, she has made me physically sick twice, and the second time it was deliberate! she still has the hotly contested family fart length record and as for smell !!:cry: its absolutely repulsive, honest I feel sick just talking about it.
 
#11
Dale the snail said:
Will that help the whiff, if I had the confidence?
Obviously, I was referring to the importance of noise and reverb. If you're going for odour, and at the risk of being accused of being a heretic, there are actually things that work better than an egg banjo:

Egg mayonnaise sandwiches
Chicken Tonight
Vesta curries
Shepherd's Pie from CHOM @ Sleaford Tech
Hungarian Goulash from the 10-man rat packs
A Chano's double-wrapped burrito with a large Orange Bang
A Jambalaya pasta from California Pizza Kitchen
(Tankies Yank will probably be able to corroborate the last two.)

I also recently discovered, courtesy of a mate of mine, that if you drink enough of it, you can make your Richard III's smell like Miller Lite. (Not our fault or choice, after a while that was all that was left to drink!) He was kind enough to demonstrate this to me by crimping off a length into somebody's tennis shoe and sticking it under my nose.
 
#12
The only reason you don't have the confidence to fart, is that last time you did, so much CSA Gravy came gushing out of your back bow, you drowned a small child and found a 200 year old map to buried treasure.

I imagine the smell from that (coupled with your general stench) would be hideous enough, without eating things to try and 'improve' it.
 
#13
It's all down to enjoyment. Blokes enjoy farting because it is immature and it (literally) gets up other peoples noses. Women just get embarrassed, generally speaking. But come on over to our side Sluggy, it is fun, especially the day after a Big Ruby.
 
#14
To err is human but to fart, divine...

We must all remember that technique is knowing how to do something but skill is the unconscious repetition or perfromance of the technique in the right style at the right time. Boys are skillful farters but the ladies just lack that insouciant and impromptu "esprit de pet", as our French farting colleagues poetically describe it. Vive le poot!
 
#15
For the authentic "Satan's breath" effect, may I recommend a home made lamb curry washed down with several pints of Old Speckled Hen. That's what I had on Friday night and I damn near made myself sick on Saturday morning,let alone anyone else within a forty metre radius. 'Twas truly repellent!
 
#16
There was a film starring Leonard Rossiter, which showed what an expert farter could accomplish.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0271609/

Here's a review of the 2005 remake:

User Comments:

2 out of 4 people found the following comment useful:-
I was blown away..., 3 January 2006

Author: mmwilde from los angeles, usa


This short film is full of warmth, charm (really!) and plenty of laughs. I was amazed by the incredibly thin line this thing chose to walk. One slip, and it would have been a complete disaster. So, in addition to being a completely satisfying film, it also winds up being a small miracle. Everyone on board understands what's at stake, from the photography to the direction to the great cast, all the way to the phenomenal score, set so perfectly that one has to wonder if the composer had his tongue in his cheek or not. The film looks great, feels great, and is great. The subject matter, a man's behind, is handled tenderly. But it is so much more than butt. It is a complete story, with not a hole left unfilled. I am not just blowing hot air when I say you must do yourself the favor of being swept up by "The Wind".

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0462471/
 
#17
Dale the snail said:
Why can boys do it and girls can't?
Maybe it's because most girls' anuses have the look and consitency of a prolapsed dinghy due to their love of ATM (look it up) and they need 10m of 400Ib para cord inserted to use as a drawcord.
 
#19
IrishDoris said:
Because women don't fart
B*ll*cks !! :lol:

In my experience they either squeak it out at a frequency that only dogs and bats can hear or they blast it out like the last toot on Roy Castles trumpet, either way the accompanying stench kills faster than a japanese cult on the Tokyo underground...
 
#20
My daughter can fire off a growler with the best of them. She has perfected the technique of either squeezing out a silent slow burner that takes several seconds to engulf my airspace, grip my lungs and half choke me to death. Or as is her usual bent......strains like f*ck and fires off a thunderous blast that lifts me off same sofa, rattles the curtains and propels her mother out of same room hissing "she's no daughter of mine".
 

Similar threads

Top