I was sitting next to a fantastically attractive woman this afternoon, who rubbed her legs against mine; nothing more than that, mind. It was a minor trifle, rather than a full-on 'Sancho Panza deliveryman with his knob stuck in the oven' scenario. To my horror, I found that my trouser snake had extended down my leg. As there were children present, I decided not to stand up until everything was back 'in place'. What's the best etiquette for hiding a stiffie? I usually choose a well thumbed copy of the Spectator.