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Troublesome "Teenager"

Placed in the NAAFI to get more coverage and advice.

He's not a teen, he's only 11. Started senior school in September, and has gone off the rails. As his Godfather, I haven't stepped in yet, but have just had his mother and Nan, both in tears, as he has been kicking the front door because he doesn't want to go to school, and it transpires, he has been excluded.

This is a kind, intelligent lad, who may have hit puberty early (?), or there is an underlying issue, bullying, abuse etc?

I'm now stepping in to sort it (him) out. Boxing, running, ACF?

All serious experiences and solutions listened to, banter about teenage boys from those who love foreign cuisine and live in warm climates!

Denizens of Arrse, your help please.
 

theoriginalphantom

MIA
Book Reviewer
Try and get professional help early.

Early help hub (school can refer him)

CAMHS
 
Try and get professional help early.

Early help hub (school can refer him)

CAMHS

CAMHS can take awhile for the referral to be seen.

Could be early puberty but there's s good chance that your God-child is reacting against the change from primary to secondary, from a small environment where he knew everyone and knew his place in that environment to a much larger, and to an 11 year old, much more scarier and unknown situation.

He's been split deliberately from his old friends, has to change classroom and teacher every hour and has to contend with larger (nastier and smellier) adolescents.

Perhaps a natter along the lines of how you found the change yourself from primary to secondary might help.

Y7s are the fawns of the forest, to wax lyrical. Bless 'em.


Edit to remove an extra conjunction
 
Wot he said.

If he is bright then other lads may find this intimidating and either trying to guilt him down to their level or exclude him as a sissy for it. Our lad had it at the same age. A friend's son went recently from model year 6 to truanting vandal to try and fit in with the 'cool' kids - ofetn kids who are troubled themsleves and 'turn' 'nerds' to make themsleves feel popular or powerful.

- Take him out for a pub meal, man to man. let him open up when he is ready. If there isn't a dad about, / even of there IS a dad about it is good for a kid to have another trusted man to listen to, because everyone thinks their parents are treating them like kids. Talking to another bloke will let him see that it is bloke-wide standards - not more babying.

- Explain that everyone is looking hard and confident because, like him , they see everyone else looking hard and confident and they are only doing it because the are unsure/ scared too. EVERYONE!

- He is at an awkward age where he is starting to have adult thought processes and opinions but his body still looks like a child's so it IS hard for adults to remember he is maturing mentally - however this is a evolutionary protective thing: it gives him time to organise his thoughts, observe others and learn how things work, should and should not be done and decide who he wants to be before the pressures of puberty.

- School is ONLY one part of his life. A necessary one, not always enjoyable but critical, vven on the social side. The cool kids enjoying piwer now will actually be somehwat crippled wehen they go out into the real world as they will have never learnt hwo to deal with people - people bring everything to them. The bullies will have not people skills so when they inevitably face bullying for the first time it will be at work - where it can have long term career knock ons if handled badly. Watch people, learn, benefit.

- Friends should come from varying places, not just school, otherwise life is stale and ypu can't bring new people in to refresh ypur social life. A slow-build friendshop often lasts a lifetime and is more interesting. The facebook know everything now - love me now is a false concept and hollow.

Join school clubs run with a mix of years participating. He will learn formt he older kids and benefit from the association - same age groups can get quite feral in their structure as there is no obvious hierarchy. He will learn / have cover by association from the olders. Sports are excellent covers for this. If he won't do trad sports - Tae Kwondo / judo etc offer a value structure, as well as being primarily defensive disciplines, with benefically competitive award systems

edited for repeat tryping errors
 
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theoriginalphantom

MIA
Book Reviewer
My daughter's behaviour at school wasn't taken seriously at the time, she went from top of her school to having to be dragged in.
She was accused of homophobia, racism and bullying and despite evidence to the contrary the actual bullies were believed as they got their claim in first.

Rather tha. Help, the school threatened us with legal action over her non attendance through illness.

Thankfully we moved and have a much better school, but the damage is done and the emphasis for us is getting mini phantom MK1 through her basic exams
 

Fake Sheikh

War Hero
If he likes you, sit him down and ask what is up, he might open up and say what is wrong.
Local GP might advise a counselor, child guidance service through CAMHS or medication.
 
My daughter's behaviour at school wasn't taken seriously at the time, she went from top of her school to having to be dragged in.
She was accused of homophobia, racism and bullying and despite evidence to the contrary the actual bullies were believed as they got their claim in first.

Rather tha. Help, the school threatened us with legal action over her non attendance through illness.

Thankfully we moved and have a much better school, but the damage is done and the emphasis for us is getting mini phantom MK1 through her basic exams

Sorry to hear that, hence why I need to get it sorted now.

Hope all pans out for her.
 
If he likes you, sit him down and ask what is up, he might open up and say what is wrong.
Local GP might advise a counselor, child guidance service through CAMHS or medication.

Yeh we are close, we had him often when he was little, because his mum was ill.
 
it is , sadly, a common problem in schools for many kids . Traditionally being in a mixed age social group would have helped with this as kids would have learnt from elders, who would have had protective oversight and that is how kids learn empathy, which is critical socially. It is a major risk of hiving them all off into strict age groups for everything.

Having a benign, involved adult also helps - that is what Aunts and Uncle, Gods and Grands are for.

Suggest that his sports are team oriented with an element of self reliance for confidence - hence suggesting martail - self discipline and strategy, rising through your own effort, but working within a team structure and assisting younger players. Junior fencing might be good too. Something that can physically work off the background frustrationa dn agression , but without 'offensive skill' labels (like boxing)

HE NEEDS REASSURING THAT WHAT HE IS FEELING IS A NORMAL STAGE AND EVERYONE GOES THROUGH IT, one way or another. The kids kicking up are probably ignorant of this and kicking outwards becuase it scares them, becuase no one has explained it to them. (Bit of 'mystique of hidden gained maturity' never goes amiss. I say' I am telling you this to save you from making the mistakes I made becuase no one explained it to me and I had to do it the hard way. If me telling you what a twit I was at your age saves you from being a twit too, that would make it worth it for me').
 
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Fake Sheikh

War Hero
Yeh we are close, we had him often when he was little, because his mum was ill.
Well take him somewhere he is chilled at and chat, see what is causing the problem, dont judge him but listen.
He might open up and then you can try to sort it out.
 
From a household involved in education for 4 decades, can I just add that a GP session is all very well, but please, unless it is "proven" to be essential from ( eg) a blood test deficiency or whatever do not fall into a potential long term medication trap.
It's all too easy..and often the slippery slope to future issues.
We could write a book in this house about the times it made matters worse on a raft of issues, including photos of my wife's limbs and skull black & blue from one attack...thanks in part to "the wrong" medication.
I kid not.
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
What does "excluded" actually mean? Presumably it means he's been sent home but not permanently "expelled"? How does this sit with the education authoritiy's requirement to provide education?!

It's still not even a whole term yet! Lots of kids take a while to settle down; I'd be wary of getting him "labelled with issues" or referred to a specialist just yet, it may be just a question of him finding his feet in the "big new pond"!

Christmas hols are coming up so now may be the time to organise plenty of activities away from school, which may give him a chance to get things in perspective and see things differently on his return.

(Unless of course the school is really shite, in which case perhaps he would do better elsewhere, but it may take a bit longer to give it a chance).
 

Winnet

War Hero
Trying to get him to talk about what is going on is the most important thing .

Without you knowing exactly going on at school, home , and his head , it is difficult position for you.

Whilst at odds with his behaviour . Maybe a day out with him doing something you both would enjoy , A change of environment etc may help him to open up.

Explain how concerned people are , how confused they are with his behaviour . How it makes them feel.The key is to get him to talk.

Hopefully he will, and this along with the schools input , families input should give you a fuller picture to what is going on , along with a clearer idea of interventions needed.

He is lucky to have somebody to watch out for him.
Best Wishes
 
This is a kind, intelligent lad, who may have hit puberty early (?), or there is an underlying issue, bullying, abuse etc?

I'm now stepping in to sort it (him) out. Boxing, running, ACF?
Time spent in reconnaissance etc. you need to answer the question before the solution is likely to have any value. Ideally if he can describe the problem himself, including understanding why his response is not he working solution, he can possibly come up with the solution that will be effective for him.
 
From a modern point of view, he may be being bullied online through whichever console he uses and that’s what’s making him behave this way.

Go and check his messages on his xbox or PlayStation, little scrotes send voice messages picking on other kids and can be really nasty, after being beat scrotes type ‘Kill urself’ and such like.
 
Wot he said.

If he is bright then other lads may find this intimidating and either trying to guilt him down to their level or exclude him as a sissy for it. Our lad had it at the same age. A friend's son went recently from model year 6 to truanting vandal to try and fit in with the 'cool' kids - ofetn kids who are troubled themsleves and 'turn' 'nerds' to make themsleves feel popular or powerful.

- Take him out for a pub meal, man to man. let him open up when he is ready. If there isn't a dad about, / even of there IS a dad about it is good for a kid to have another trusted man to listen to, because everyone thinks their parents are treating them like kids. Talking to another bloke will let him see that it is bloke-wide standards - not more babying.

- Explain that everyone is looking hard and confident because, like him , they see everyone else looking hard and confident and they are only doing it because the are unsure/ scared too. EVERYONE!

- He is at an awkward age where he is starting to have adult thought processes and opinions but his body still looks like a child's so it IS hard for adults to remember he is maturing mentally - however this is a evolutionary protective thing: it gives him time to organise his thoughts, observe others and learn how things work, should and should not be done and decide who he wants to be before the pressures of puberty.

- School is ONLY one part of his life. A necessary one, not always enjoyable but critical, vven on the social side. The cool kids enjoying piwer now will actually be somehwat crippled wehen they go out into the real world as they will have never learnt hwo to deal with people - people bring everything to them. The bullies will have not people skills so when they inevitably face bullying for the first time it will be at work - where it can have long term career knock ons if handled badly. Watch people, learn, benefit.

- Friends should come from varying places, not just school, otherwise life is stale and ypu can't bring new people in to refresh ypur social life. A slow-build friendshop often lasts a lifetime and is more interesting. The facebook know everything now - love me now is a false concept and hollow.

Join school clubs run with a mix of years participating. He will learn formt he older kids and benefit from the association - same age groups can get quite feral in their structure as there is no obvious hierarchy. He will learn / have cover by association from the olders. Sports are excellent covers for this. If he won't do trad sports - Tae Kwondo / judo etc offer a value structure, as well as being primarily defensive disciplines, with benefically competitive award systems

edited for repeat tryping errors

For what it's worth, I had SWMBO, as a recently retired Senior Primary teacher of 42 years experience, read your post. Broadly speaking, she agreed with most of it but added it's essential, absolutely essential, to set up a meeting with the school principals but only after getting the lad to give his version of the issues if he is prepared to buy into it. It is important for two family adults to attend in terms of witnessed accounts.
The reason for this is to give the school the chance to nail whatever issues are at hand, revue their actions of late, and to protect the lad as far as possible from future exclusions by implementation of a more even handed & "informed" approach by the school's decision makers. Whatever it is that is going on, it's progressively toxic and will only escalate without pro-active adult management. It may not even be happening at the school itself, and she suggests weaning him off bit by bit, the commonly destructive online media circus amongst other things...to include a simple cheap non media Nokia, and "managed" online/gaming activities....just one component of remedial actions. Tough...but possibly a way forward.
We had to do it with ours incidentally....would you believe in his later teens. It was not pleasant.
Mother's Prime of Ms Jean Brodie rules won out in the end.
Given the male brain does not actually cease developing until around early to mid 20's, he has a long road to go.
 
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Misterio

Old-Salt
Back in the day my old man would simply whack me on the jaw if i acted like that. Or put me out for the night.

Perhaps try a sports club? Let him burn off some energy.

If your concerned about abuse at school etc.. maybe a chat with her teacher is in order?
 
How can he have been excluded from the school without his family having been involved as a part of the process? That’s unlikely to have happened Without the family knowing. That said, something is obviously very wrong and you need to get to the bottom of it.

Talk to the boy but talk to the school as well. A major reason for children becoming difficult when they start secondary school is because they are being bullied. You need to find out if that is what’s happening here.

Kids can be extremely cruel to each other particularly when they think they are in control of what’s happening.

If it is bullying, you need to get onto the school to resolve it. That’s the bit where you find out that the school aren’t interested in resolving the problem but only interested in protecting the schools reputation.

Establish the facts from your child’s point of view. Ask for an appointment to see the headteacher. The school will often appoint a teacher to look into the problem. Their brief will be to ensure the school can’t be blamed. Make the complaints in writing. Try through your child to find witnesses who will support his side of the story. Insist that the school resolve the situation so that the bullies, not the bullied, end up being punished.

If the school won’t co-operate, widen the correspondence to include the governing body and the local education authority including the chairperson of the education authority and the authority director of education.

Keep insisting that the bullies, not the bullied, should face sanctions from the school.

There is a reason to do so. It’s not just about the natural justice that the perpetrators should be punished and not the victims. If you decided that your child should leave the school and go to a new school, the chances are that kids at the new school would find out the reasons why your child had suddenly appeared at the new school and the bullying would recommence. That’s what kids are like.

The bottom line is, make the school sort it out so your child stops being bullied. Anything less is not acceptable!

Haven written all this, if it’s not about bullying, then good luck but many of the principles still apply for many different scenario’s.
 
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theoriginalphantom

MIA
Book Reviewer
Many schools have an exlcusion class where students are sent so all those with problems/trouble makers are all in one nice easy to manage group. Mini me was put into this and all it did was cause futher problems leading to massive anxiety attacks (not helped by an assault on mini me being reported as her bullying another child who has form for doing this repeatedly)

Worse still there were no resources for this class so they were left unsupervised.
 

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