Travel advice for American Friends!!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by boney_m, Dec 24, 2004.

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  1. If any of our American friends are thinking of visiting the British Isles over the holiday season, heres some travel advice :D


    The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
    "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the
    pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was
    once called a "shilling" the equivalent of seventeen cents American.


    If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a great "tosser" - he
    will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative
    people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your
    acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.


    Since their Labour government whole-heartedly embraced full union with
    Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs,
    such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which
    they call a "wnak." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain it is
    not uncommon for people to over sleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there
    due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply
    apologise and explain that you were having a wnak - everyone will understand
    and forgive you.


    One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge
    is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which
    you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the
    boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there
    are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a
    professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and
    would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated
    with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to
    buy a can of Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the
    yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.


    British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most sublime
    gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,the
    American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest
    assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for).
    Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK.
    The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's
    seal, called the British Seal of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine
    restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything
    less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head
    imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.
    Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may
    offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If
    he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the
    steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia try an Ely '84 or Ripon
    '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show
    a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine
    there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host
    will understand that he should run a tab for you.


    London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver
    tries to over charge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!" then
    grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined. It is
    rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to
    make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of
    thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and state your
    destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to British
    Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by
    pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is
    only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so
    ignorant!). For those travelling on a shoestringbudget, the London Tube may
    be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
    Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on
    the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the
    escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
    state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware!
    Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the
    tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by
    French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement
    "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look
    towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes,
    though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise
    excellent means of transportation.


    One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
    airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an International
    Jewish peace organisation - the shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
    travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as
    you make your way through customs.

    Safe travels and Bon Voyage!

  2. Plus of course other important advice.....

    Hotels - if staying in a hotel the chambermaid would appreciate your assistance by putting all the bedding out of the window in the morning.

    Brothels - these are very easy to find in London, and indeed, on most major towns and cities, because they all display a blue lamp outside during the hours of darkness. In keeping with British tradition, the concierge is always smartly dressed in a dark blue uniform. Tell him exactly what ytou want him to provide for you. It speeds things up if you let them know how keen you are , by undressing as you wait at the counter.

    Any more good advice for these primitive beings?
  3. Some good advice here.

    Just a minor correction. "Shin Fane" is the Jewish fox hunting organization.

    The international Jewish peace organization to which you refer is known as "Hizbollah."