Trapped down a mine

34 muckers, a prospect that you'll be out either by Christmas or in time to see your third baby being born, things getting sweaty and the tinned tuna runniing out. The only lifeline is a foot wide. What would you get sent down the pipe?
If the 34 muckers are all male how about 34 miniature teddy bears.

Batteries; ipod; vibrators; condoms; air freshner aerosol; rolled up copy of Barack Obama's: Dreams from my Father and "Choosing that Christmas Gift" catalogue; bottles of red and white wine/glass; Company complaint and compensation forms/pen; spare knickers; toilet rolls.
A revolver and 33 rounds.
Oh, yes, and a book by that McKenna chap, entitled Trust Me I Have A Gun ( I keep a copy strapped to George Michael in case of difficulties)
As months go by, you know how bored people can get. The blokes at the drillhead are going to be up for a laugh. Anyone known where we can get some acid ? Oh, cool, in the water. 34 blokes trapped underground tripped off their heads, hey, that'll teach them to make me send sandiwiches down every day for six months. Can we send spiders down this tube as well ? What do you mean, Vanessa Feltz is slimming because she has never seen a better opportunity ?
Lots of Smarties. But only one orange one. And marmite, lots of. If nothing else, it'll be a lubricant. And vitamins. For the survivors.
How do you take whatever you're on; do you drink it, smoke it, snort it, inject it, or take it in suppository form?
Most of those, but it depends how I feel. I have one of those dinky Italian coffee-makers and I like sticking magic mushrooms in the water, and sieving the bumjuice that results from whiskey, beer, and red wine through a sock into the dogends from my ashtray, which I then stick in the top bit. Voiala ! Brekkers, and another bizarre post. That's how, try. It's easy and fun !!!!
Look, Sod the balcony, I was the man they kicked out of the back door before the shooting started. I still wonder why.....
If I was trapped down a mineshaft, I'd be sorted because my dog would raise the alarm within seconds and would send a helicopter, a neck brace and 2 pints of blood. How on earth that would get me out I have no idea, but he'd still do it and be jolly noisy about it. He thinks he's Skippy the Bush Kangaroo if I am away for more then a minute.
Woof woof "Whats that you say pip? snails stuck down a big hole" woof woof " sorry now I get it shes not stuck down a big hole...................."
"'Como'? PUTA!"


Book Reviewer
Be honest, you've never trapped down a mine have you?
A shovel?.........
Seriously'd want to focus on getting the bog situation sorted....then really once that's done....
So using the main pipe line into the cave:

1. Lager and water/soft drink pipeline.
2. Fibre Optic cables projecting images onto wall of cave
3. Food pipe line: Ice cream pipe, curry pipe, Chilean fish and shrip might be able to squeeze hot dogs down n all.
4. Telephone line : chat lines optional
5. Dictate your chapters of the book which will be written after they get dug out - nice little earner.

According to some reports, they have the lower 1.8km of the mine to wander around in. Plenty of places to go for a crap, just the same as in their normal working day. No lavvy down a mine (as a rule anyway) I have been in one mine with proper flushing bogs but it isn't common.
Now they've got a bore hole down there they will be getting ventilation which makes life a lot more pleasant.

My own priority would be cigarettes, when I wander undergound I generally take at least 60 JPS and two lighters for this very eventuality. Should I get stuck I like to think I have enough cigarettes to see the time out until rescue/ escape or I'll have kicked the bucket by then anyway.

Now they have food, water and air they can last indefinatley, depending on what equiment they have that far down they may even be able to contribute to their own rescue by moving to higher levels.

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