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Trap Etiquette and the Heinous Crime

#1
It was with great pleasure during work yesterday that I planned and prpared for what was to be an epic of all efforts. Trap 3, the warmest and best lit, allowing for indulging in reading the papers, was the target for the assault.

Preparations came slowly through the morning but by about 1400 the pressure was reaching a level that needed sorting. B**tard of a boss then dragged me in to a meeting, with coffee I might add, and the pressure grew.

The meeting went on and on, the pressure grew and grew.

Once clear of the meeting the urge was upon me and relief was needed imminently, so much so that the dash for the trap saw turtles head approach and no time to gather the newspaper.

Through the door, bolt trap door, drop trousers and trollies, swing and dump.

By Christ it was almost orgasmic, the type of dump that stays in the mind, One that you are so pleased with you want to tell all about it, much to the displeasure of my civvy colleagues here.

But now the crime - disaster strikes, the legs are numb and its time to move. Look right and reach for paper, Oh F**k. There is none.

Now the moral dilema: Do I

1. Duck walk in a hopefully quiet moment with trousers rund the ankles to another trap to wipe the old arrse or

2. Trollies and trousers up, risking skid marks Heathrow would be proud of to achieve the same affect?

In both cases the cleaners are in line for a shooting for failing so criminally to ensure suitable quantities of comfy bum but still what do you do?

Poor cleaner was left with the appropriate present as a result, still there last night when the cleaners arrived, head above water watching and waiting for the next victime to arrive.

Please help, what is the best trap etiquette for this type of situation?
 
#2
Get your wallet out:

Notes to wipe your arse.

Coins to remove the sh1te from under your fingernails!
 
#3
Wallet was in jacket in my office only had my security pass to hand and that has nice sharp edges........

It was that urgent and I was caught that unaware.
 
#4
You could have used your trollies and left them in the offending trap as a timely reminder to the cleaners to ensure the bog roll is refilled.
 
#5
wait until you hear someone come in and say"hellooooo pass me some toilet roll there's a good chap." That would be the clever thing to do, teamwork and all that.
 
#6
You'll find a bog brush sitting next to the throne. Flush your prize grunty away, dip brush in (clean) water; scrub away until you start to enjoy it. Wash brush in bog. Job done.

And no, I haven't.

Thought about it tho'
 
#7
The duck walk is always good for comedy value, it makes it funnier when you hold your ass cheeks apart so it doesn't spread ( I have done it ) :D
 
#8
I'd have sat there all night biding my time. Then when morning came and the cleaner entered your trap, she'd have come cheek to cheek with a huge shitty arse. You jusy calmly say " Wipe this will you love, there's no bog roll!" Cleaner learns a valuable lesson and you get a free rim job...Everyone's a winner!!
 
#9
570mils said:
ensure suitable quantities of comfy bum
Slightly off topic, but... Those of you who remember the tracing paper that you used to get in rat packs will be glad to know that the supplying company are still doing good business and appear to have recently negotiated a contract to supply my office :shakefist:

God i wish i had comfy bum in the traps :toilet:
 
#11
Clench your arse cheeks, pull up your kecks, move carefully into next cubicle, drop kecks, wipe (admittedly you'll need a bit more due to the spread now present) and palm smack the used paper onto the inside of the door of the bog with no paper.

Cleaner finally beats Moby Dick, turns around to leave the cubicle and sees this equivalent of a pirate flag flapping from the door with a nasty dull brown stain evident on the underside. She'll remember what toilet roll is for then.
 
#13
570mils said:
Wallet was in jacket in my office only had my security pass to hand and that has nice sharp edges........

It was that urgent and I was caught that unaware.
I bet you had your mobile. Couldn't you have called for back-up?
 
#14
Social_Handgrenade said:
570mils said:
ensure suitable quantities of comfy bum
Slightly off topic, but... Those of you who remember the tracing paper that you used to get in rat packs will be glad to know that the supplying company are still doing good business and appear to have recently negotiated a contract to supply my office :shakefist:

God i wish i had comfy bum in the traps :toilet:
We got that stuff in the barracks at Bruggen!I remember my first camp as a ATC cadet back in 78ish.The bog roll had "MoD property-do not remove" Printed on every sheet... :sweatdrop:
 
#15
sniper_bob said:
Social_Handgrenade said:
Slightly off topic, but... Those of you who remember the tracing paper that you used to get in rat packs
IZAL medicated - arrrr them was the days!
Believe it or not, it's still being used at the shopping centre in Swindon city centre - right classy place.
 
#16
Cuddles said:
570mils said:
Wallet was in jacket in my office only had my security pass to hand and that has nice sharp edges........

It was that urgent and I was caught that unaware.
I bet you had your mobile. Couldn't you have called for back-up?
Nope, not a thing, clothing I was stood in and security pass only.

Legs went dead before anyone else visited to allow the team effort but with the mentality of some of them they would have enjoyed poking the old camera over the bog door and distributing said images around.

The Joys and lonliness of command
 
#17
in_the_cheapseats said:
sniper_bob said:
Social_Handgrenade said:
Slightly off topic, but... Those of you who remember the tracing paper that you used to get in rat packs
IZAL medicated - arrrr them was the days!
Believe it or not, it's still being used at the shopping centre in Swindon city centre - right classy place.
Oh yes, happy days. John Wayne brand toilet paper; (see Arrsepedia).
I prefer Andrex on the whole.

Remove lid from cistern. Use water in cistern to wash klingons off, air dry. Leave cistern in bits as a token of your displeasure. It gets more involved if it's one of those concealed jobs, dismantling is more involved.
Wash hands (optional, since the 'Now wash your Hands' instruction on the paper has not been received).
 
#18
Well remember going into a loo in London. A voice came from a trap asking if I could supply paper from one of the others. I apologised but the other traps were paperless too!

A very sad voice came back asking if I had two fivers for a tenner?
 
#19
Social_Handgrenade said:
570mils said:
ensure suitable quantities of comfy bum
Slightly off topic, but... Those of you who remember the tracing paper that you used to get in rat packs will be glad to know that the supplying company are still doing good business and appear to have recently negotiated a contract to supply my office :shakefist:

God i wish i had comfy bum in the traps :toilet:
Any employer who thinks that little of his employees doesn't deserve them. Resign, using a sheet of jaggy and an appropriate substance for your signature.

Incidentally, I remember a like situation on an exercise once when the sleeves of my KF shirt were gradually shortened over a period of a week. They were good for something, at least.
 
#20
mushroom said:
Well remember going into a loo in London. A voice came from a trap asking if I could supply paper from one of the others. I apologised but the other traps were paperless too!

A very sad voice came back asking if I had two fivers for a tenner?
That made me dribble some chocolate down my chin :biggrin:
 

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