Translating housing wanted ads

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by knockknee, Sep 1, 2009.

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  1. I have tried to translate a number of current ads for private tenancies.

    Apologise if I have made a wrong inference.

    Date posted: Tuesday 1st September | Date wanted: 01/09 | Ad viewed: 6 times
    Location: milesplatting
    hi im a single parent 3 kids and on dss im looking for a 3 or 4 bedroom house with garden if poss rochdale or any surronding ares and no deposit if ya can thanks


    TRANSLATION

    I want to move in for nothing and pocket the first two months local housing allowance knowing you cannot evict me.




    Date posted: Monday 31st August | Date wanted: 31/08 | Ad viewed: 7 times
    Location: wythenshawe
    hi does anyone have a 3 bedroom house that accepts dss around any of these areas northern-moor,baugley,brooklands that accepts dss as i am currently living in a 2 bedroom cottage and due to a new addition to the family we are now overcrowded and need the extra space,if anyone has then please could you email me or text me on thanks

    TRANSLATION

    We get a benefits pay rise and an increase of local housing allowance by breeding. So now we have bred we want a bigger better house at taxpayer expense



    Date posted: Sunday 30th August | Date wanted: 30/08 | Ad viewed: 6 times
    Location: Salford
    Hi, we are looking for a 2/3 bedroomed house to start a family in the Salford 5 or Salford 6 areas. Recently come out of work so therefore must accept housing benefit. Please contact ASAP.

    TRANSLATION

    Outa work I get a benefits increase for each item of breeding. But we cannot get the full rent out of Local Housing Allowance till we have two kids. Might pay you what we can in meantime.



    Date posted: Friday 28th August | Date wanted: 28/08 | Ad viewed: 6 times
    Location: Hyde
    i am looking for a 3 bedroom house in the hyde area must have double glazing good size rooms and front and back garden gardens must be good size
    must accept dss and be within the price range of 400 a calender month
    if you have a property like this pls let me no thanx

    TRANSLATION

    I wanna get £500 per month from local housing allowance and pay £400 rent so I am £100 per month even better off than my DSS rate alone.



    Date posted: Friday 28th August | Date wanted: 28/08 | Ad viewed: 22 times
    Location: wythenshawe
    hi i am looking for a 3 bedroom house in wythenshawe area that accepts dss i need this property as soon as poss as my daughter has just had a baby and we are overcrowded in a 2 bedroom cottage and the housing are taking to long to do anything about this please contact me asap thanks

    TRANSLATION

    Now I am menopausal it is up to the daughter to get a benefits increase for each item of breeding



    Date posted: Thursday 27th August | Date wanted: 12/09 | Ad viewed: 6 times
    Location: failsworth
    Hello I am in need of a 2 bedroomed house, which accepts DSS, and which doesnt need a deposit, or if it does need a deposit can pay over time but not all at once.

    if anyone out there is letting their home out please let me know ASAP.
    at the minute i am a single mother and have a son who is soon to be one years old, the house i am in now has no central heating, and is damp and my son has asthma. So really need a new property which has gch and dg before the winter comes.

    TRANSLATION

    My kid is one year old so I either knew about the damp house when I first rented or irresponsibly and selfishly got pregnant in those conditions. Now I want to use extra benefits and local housing allowance to get better house more kids to follow



    Location: manchester
    I would like a 2. or 3 bed house to rent in crewe im here on my own and want to move to crewe to be closer to my family. i wont accept west street or surrounding west street at all.
    i cant afford the ridculous amounts that has to be paid upfront, im a single parent on housing benefit but thats only temporary till i get to crewe and then i can get a job. please can someone help me im registered on nthe coucil but they wont help me. i would even consider a swap please there must be someone out there that can help me be nearer to my family thank you

    TRANSLATION
    I live in Crewe and won't be getting work any time soon. Every landlord round West Street knows me



    Date posted: Friday 21st August | Date wanted: 21/08 | Ad viewed: 9 times
    Location: oldham
    4 bed house wanted for single parent and three children, also got pets and must accept dss

    TRANSLATION

    I used to write lying misleading adverts to get a house to rent but now I am trying the tack of appearing refreshingly straight about it


    Date posted: Monday 17th August | Date wanted: 17/08 | Ad viewed: 26 times
    Location: salford pendeleton eccles
    hi there we are a family of 7 in need of a long term house rental with 4 or 5 bedrooms we are decent people at moment we are living in rented accomodation but we have been let downby landlord who doesnt do any of the repairs that need doing ie floorboards are broken with big holes in and 1000s of other things we are decent people please if you can help get in touch asap

    TRANSLATION

    I am too idle to fix the floorboards and stop the cost out of the rent. Why can't I stop the cost out of rent ? Because I am in so much arrears the landlord gets his rent directly paid by council to stop me getting my thieving hands on any more of it. I either accepted this tenancy with holes in the floor or the holes happened during my tenancy. Whoops.


    Date posted: Sunday 16th August | Date wanted: 16/08 | Ad viewed: 33 times
    Location: Manchester
    Couple looking for a Fully Furnished House in MAnchester or Surrounding Areas, Must accecpt DSS. Looking for new property due to Landlord selling home on Market and have been given 30 days notice depsite being here 2 years. We are clean,respectful and are great tenants, Small deposit or deposit being payable over a couple of months would also be great due to short notice given us by landlord

    TRANSLATION

    Our landlord county courted us for rent arrears and damages and the bailiffs took our furniture to pay off part of our debt
     
  2. So work and pay yer taxes you have a welfare fund to maintain.
     
  3. Do they actually have housing stock in Miles Platting? I thought that the thieving, lazy, workshy cnuts who inhabit the place had demolished it all to sell off as hardcore. Maybe the slack-fannied pikey slapper is looking to part-exchange her caravan?
     
  4. An erudite appreciation. These are all current ads on Gumtree Manchester.
     
  5. Excellent translation, Knockknee. You have a great future decoding doublespeak or, dare I say, NewLabourSpeak as instigated by Mandelbaum. As one who has just had a letter from the taxation nazis to cut my Army pension by 500 quid a month to pay for these freebie renters. long may you continue.
     
  6. "deposit being payable over a couple of months"

    ???????

    How does that work?