Trafalgar Day

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by X-Inf, Oct 21, 2004.

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  1. X-Inf

    X-Inf War Hero Book Reviewer

    Trafalgar Day - one for the jolly Jacks, to remember when the navy gave the Frogs & Spics a good seeing to in 1805.

    I will raise a glass tonight to show my appreciation.
  2. Yet again :D
  3. hear hear .... i don't think nearly enough gratuitous crowing about our many victories over "johhny foreigner" goes on , especially that hateful mob the other side of the channel , i may get a "non alighting" ferry ticket from dover at the weekend , and simply p*ss over the handrail onto calais , before filling up on stella and tabs for the victory party back at mine. :)
  4. The Immortal memory

    It’s almost 200 years since Lord Nelson’s famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral’s uniform.

    How Nelson would have fared if he’s been subject to modern health and safety regulations.

    You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Apeasement.

    Order the signal. Hardy.

    Aye, aye, sir.

    Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?

    Sorry, sir?

    England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?

    Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting “England” past the censors, lest it be considered racist.

    Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

    Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.

    In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.

    The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.

    Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead.

    I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water.

    Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please.

    That won’t be possible, sir.


    Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they say that rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.

    Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.

    He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral.

    Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.

    Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.

    Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.

    Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

    Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.

    A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?

    I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

    The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

    What? This is mutiny.

    It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

    The how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?

    Actually, sir, we’re not.

    We’re not?

    No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.

    But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

    I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary.

    You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.

    Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it’s the rules.

    Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum sodomy and the lash?

    As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.

    What about sodomy?

    I believe it’s to be encouraged sir.

    In that case – kiss me Hardy.
  6. Yours aye.

  7. Ahhh... those were the days. When the 'Senior Service' had more in the water than a couple of clapped out canoes and a coracle...
    Now all you Squids out there, repeat after me:
    Front, Back, Left, Right, Floor, Ceiling, Corridor, Stairs, Cookhouse, toilet, Scoff, Brew.

    Keep all of that 'put a breeze behind the slide' b*ll*cks to yourselves, you dodgy B*gg*rs. Twelve clips, my *rse.
  8. Nice one, PMSL. :lol: :lol: :lol:
  9. Excellent! forwarded to all naval types
  10. Goatman

    Goatman LE Book Reviewer


    Absolutely that former Grunt, well said. Me too, as well, also.

    It should be noted that some Regiments also have this as a Battle Honour, by virtue of service afloat .

    let's make it the October Bank Holiday, Tone !

    Lee Shaver - sig changed in honour of Lord Nelson - Huzza!
  11. Goatman

    Goatman LE Book Reviewer

    :lol: nice one.

    The rum ration was abolished in IIRC 1971 because Their Lordships took the sober view that VGM's (Vaguely Guided Missiles - ah, the mighty Mach 3 Seaslug - what a beast !) and a quarter of a pint of 100 proof alcohol before lunch were not necessarily compatible.

    In 1982, when I first donned square rig (Huzza !) there were still people in the Service who would wear a black armband on the day itself....

    Break out the Grog Granny !

    Lee Shaver
  12. An excellent post from Babiesarm; everyone else in the building, hearing the hysterical laughter from my office, is aware that I am on my ARRSE again.

    As well as the 'England expects' signal, Nelson's other famous signal at Trafalgar was 'Engage the enemy more closely'. I shall forward it to M Howard and Charlie Krankie.
  13. (ahem) Jack says - F'orad, Aft, Port, Starboard, Deck, Deckhead, Gangway, Ladder, Mess/Galley, Heads, Scoff is an acceptable word, Wet.

    and Jacks words are older so must therfore take precidence? obviously the RN and Army have traditions, (being old and all) whereas the RAF have Habbits - too new and shiny for traditions yet.

    Rincewind - who will tonight become "Harry Shyters"
  14. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Kit Reviewer

    Took the words right out of my mouth H23.

    Lily-livered councils ! A good keel-hauling is all they need, set them right in no time at all.