Toytown Tony

[OldRedCap]

If Tony B Liar were to meet with a loud bang whilst in Iraq, how many pages of RIP do you think we would see posted here?

 

[Legs]

Not so much RIP - more like HIP




as in Hip, Hip Horray!

 

[Social_Handgrenade]

Not sure about RIP, but i'll put money on there being quite a few of HEE HEE

 

[bernoulli]

I think Tony should go on a meet 'n' greet around Baghdad, and bask in the adulation of those he helped liberate from Saddam..

 

[DozyBint]

I don't think there'd be many raising glasses to him either, though probably many champagne corks flying and possibly some baring of ARRSEs!

 

[mistersoft]

[align=center]Blair spins for the last time.[/align]

The dust is finally settling after the shocking assasss asasin killing of Tony Blair while on a visit to Iraq. Questions are being asked in Parliament why with the so-called increased security because of Mr Blair’s visit, a well-wisher was able to walk out from the crowd and pump 47 rounds into Mr Blair.

Security sources have vigorously denied reports of collusion as a yet unknown person helped the well-wisher change magazines and even helped when there appeared to be some sort of stoppage. Eyewitnesses reported a swarthy man with a small goatee type beard being the asssas asaaasin killer and during the follow up operation, several hundred people were arrested. Many were instantly released, as they were woman. “It’s simply not true,” said a local security source, his fingers crossed behind his back. Conflicting reports are still coming out of Iraq about Mr Blair’s last words. “You brown fcuker” is one version while “You fcuker Brown” is another.

The funeral is planned for Thursday and the hearse will be pulled by four donkeys but Mr Prescott was unavailable due to affairs of state but he wouldn’t say which state. The service was planned for Westminster Abbey but unfortunately, they are having a Jumble Sale that day so the service has been switched to St Paul’s, Bristol. Respecting Mr Blair’s wishes and acknowledging the multi-denominational United Kingdom, the service will be conducted by the Pope and entirely in Latin. Also present will be the Chief Rabbi, The Archbishop of Canterbury, other religious leaders and Alistair Campbell. A guard of honour will not be necessary as Cherie is bringing her Dad.

Buckingham Palace has denied reports of a snub as a minor Royal will be representing the Queen at the service. Princess Octavia of Skoda is 111th in line to the throne and is the patron of the Gay Lawn Tennis Association, the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Disc Jockeys and works tirelessly for various other worthwhile charities. The Queen will be watching the whole thing on TV if she can clear up the misunderstanding with Sky, Prince Philip will be attending his anger management course as usual and Prince Charles will be giving his lawn a good mowing while Camilla rearranges her spice racks.

TV coverage will be extensive and will involve all terrestrial channels. Children’s programmes will not however be disrupted and Bargain Hunt will be on as usual. Commentary will be by Gordon Ramsay with comments from other politicians. Heavy security will be in place, as a busload of mourners will be heading down from Droitwich. The Tony Blair Fan Club (Midlands Branch) expects an almost full coach but they did regret that Droitwich FC were involved in the Stanley Boggettt Memorial Shield semi-final otherwise they might have had to book a second bus. They had planned to join hands but sadly, due to the low numbers, this plan has been shelved.

Hundreds of police have had leave cancelled and will head for Bristol effectively cutting off the city for the duration of the funeral. Commander Gripper of Scotland Yard will coordinate and also sings in the choir. Public transport will run as normal, which will not help the situation. Security will be tight and nobody with even a suntan will be allowed inside the exclusion zone that will be set up. Rucksacks are to be banned and an armed guard will be on duty outside Milletts.

Due to the lack of space in the St Bob Marley Church of the Latter Day Weed in St Paul’s, the American security entourage will be kept to a minimum, less than two hundred. George Bush is expected along with Secretary of State, Anneka Rice. Priority was given to English speaking nations but special dispensation was given for the US. The Israeli representative will be kept well away from any Arab states representatives and now will be between the neo-Nazi Austrian representative and Jean-Marie Le Penn as Chirac is having his bathroom tiles re-grouted and couldn’t be bothered to come.

Buy the new 25p SCUM and get a free 96 page pullout. Read about Tony Blair, his loves, his life, his guitar riffs. His schooldays are chronicled on pages 7-12, his university days are on pages 13-20 and full list of his achievements are on page 21, column 1, line 7.
Order a copy from your newsagent now.

[align=center]Article by Lardbucket McNasty, celebrated SCUM journalist.
Winner of the Wurlitzer Prize 2005.[/align]

 

[slick]

If only!

 

[drain_sniffer]

Mistersoft, will the assasin be the next guess speaker at the 49 para convention?

 

[redsquirrel]

[align=center]Blair spins for the last time.[/align]

...Prince Charles will be giving his lawn a good mowing while Camilla rearranges her spice racks.

[align=center]Article by Lardbucket McNasty, celebrated SCUM journalist.
Winner of the Wurlitzer Prize 2005.[/align]

Note from editor, change this to "Prince Charles will be giving Camilla's lawn a good mowing and spicing her rack" See you in the pub. Mines a pint.

 

[Andyroo]

Mistersoft, clearly you missed your true vocation! Yet another piece of quality flows from your fingertips

 

[archer]

Classic!

 

[Strait_Jacket]

If Carlsberg did journalism..

 

[Scottie_Dogg]

An absolute classic im in a pool of wee cause im laughing so much

 

[fastmedic]

Mistersoft. You are a true wordsmith. Hat off to you.

fastmedic

 

[Auld-Yin]

Mistersoft,

Do you know when the public enquiry headed by Lord Ian Blair of Brownarrse, former Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police and senior Lord in Britain, will be published and do you have an advance copy of this (preferably autographed by the WMF)?

 

[mistersoft]

Mistersoft,

Do you know when the public enquiry headed by Lord Ian Blair of Brownarrse, former Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police and senior Lord in Britain, will be published and do you have an advance copy of this (preferably autographed by the WMF)?

Auld-Yin, I'll pass on your request to Lardbucket McNasty. I'm sure as one becomes available it will accidently fall into the public domain. The autographed version might take a bit longer. Lardbucket practices what's called crowbar journalism. It is a form of cheque book journalism but transactions tend to be in cash and the hours and methods of entry are different.

Failing that, he could just write his own. You don't get a Wurlitzer Prize for nothing, I think you actually have to pay for them. Just like how he got his journalism degree.

 

[Legs]

mistersoft - once again you have caused me to spit coffee all over my keyboard. You do realise that they make me pay for these don't you? The Army isn't made of money! Apparently spitting coffee on your keyboard isn't covered by MOD Insurance if it was caused by reading ARRSE during working hours. Hang on a sec.....


[backgound yelling including the words Arrse, Website, feck, arrse, bust, private]


"Sorry Sir, I'll get back to work now...."


[more mutterings about "fecking subversive websites"]


Anyway, thanks mistersoft for another gem.

 

[Auld-Yin]

Mistersoft,

Do you know when the public enquiry headed by Lord Ian Blair of Brownarrse, former Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police and senior Lord in Britain, will be published and do you have an advance copy of this (preferably autographed by the WMF)?

Auld-Yin, I'll pass on your request to Lardbucket McNasty. I'm sure as one becomes available it will accidently fall into the public domain. The autographed version might take a bit longer. Lardbucket practices what's called crowbar journalism. It is a form of cheque book journalism but transactions tend to be in cash and the hours and methods of entry are different.

Failing that, he could just write his own. You don't get a Wurlitzer Prize for nothing, I think you actually have to pay for them. Just like how he got his journalism degree.

I wait with baited breath for the outcome of Lardbucket's ethical style of journalism to come upo with the goodies. You never know, the money raised from selling the autographed copy might be enough to buy another Wurlitzer Prize, and in my view could not be bought by a more upright and outstanding member of his profession.

 

[intli]

Well done Mr Soft. You are obviously in the circle of those in the know!

 

[Fang_Farrier]

Aye, heard Tony's not going to risk any more photos in Iraq just in case whomever he's with is unlucky. Once bitten twice shy!