Toxic Smells Produced From ARRSE!!

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by Snips, Jul 26, 2002.

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  1. Can someone please explain to me why soldiers have the amazing ability to produce smells that take the skin off your face?
    Is it the food they eat on exercise?

    Travelling in the back of a land rover last week over Sennybridge and one of the Corporals produced a smell so bad, it had me chundering over the tail gate!!

    Why can't you men hold it in until you are in a well ventilated area and not let it out when I am sat inches from you!!
    It is especially off putting when one is produced as I am eating the contents of my horror bag!! :p
  2. Some can hold... for a while, but as any doctor will tell you, holding it in is not as healthy as letting it go. In this modern army we are always advised to take the healthy option when possible.

    Admittedly it’s not always pleasant and I’m not advocating just letting go in confined spaces if you can find somewhere better. However the combination of compo, exercise stickies and beer can make the attempt to hold on to hold on positively dangerous.

    As for being so bad that you had to chunder over the tailgate of the rover, sounds like a) the back of a rover with a tailgate is pretty well ventilated, and b) Are you sure that you have to stomach to be a squaddie? Dead bodies aren’t pleasant at all, especially when they burst when you have to move them!

    ??? :-/
  3. OldSnowy

    OldSnowy LE Moderator Book Reviewer

    Plant-Pilot is right!  The smells go with the territory, I'm afraid.  Anyway, how can you do a decent Flaming Ar****** without plenty of fuel?
  4. You would have thought the lanny was well ventilated but alas, it was not.
    The smell actually entered my mouth and this then caused my body to choke on the thick green mist and barf out the back.
    Believe me, I have smelt a variety of different farts in my army career, but this one was the MOTHER!
    Suffice to say, I am undergoing plastic surgery to rebuild the right side of my face which was burnt off in the attack!
  5. An old full-screw of mine.... way back when, used to fart in his hands and deposit in my face while I was driving.... how we never had an accident I will never know. Kept me awake though.

    His worst trick was at a disco or bar.... he used to fart in his hands, breath it in to his mouth and then move right next to a woman/his target and breath out whilest saying "Hello sexy, fancy a dance"! Pure entertainment watching them run off wretching.... oh the good old days ;-)
  6. I thought it was lack of confidence that caused girls not to fart :)  Saying that I know a few that could put me to shame!
  7. As is fitting for a Forces' Sweetheart, mine - if I ever do them - are inaudible, discreet and smell of rose petals.
  8. woopert

    woopert LE Moderator

    Mine are audible, indiscreet and smell of rotting beer and arrse. :eek:

    Mind you, the flip side is a good ripper in your gonk-bag can reallywarm a cold winter night on STANTA.
  9. I agree that women can fart just as good as the blokes, just not as often or as smelly !! ;D. I mean womens farts can't actually be eaten with a spoon, or the air cut with a knife. I also find that even if we've eaten the same as the lads, theirs always smell worse. I can admit as well to retching at the smell of some really goddamn awful farts. ;D
  10. Ah Woopert, it reminds me of my leadership course (a few moons ago now) “hot bagging”. On swapping with SOP (stinks of pi55) ginger lad in the section I crawled into the maggot not sure whether I got a good few hours sleep or just passed out but even my clothes smelt  and not the normal exercise hum when I crawled out to swap on stag change. Glad it was dark as well lost ‘cos I the use of my eyes, quickly put me on the road to developing trust in my NBC kit. Never hot bagged with SOP again.
    >Naan, just killed a man
    >poppadom against his head
    >Had lime pickle now he's dead.
    >Naan, dinner's just begun
    >But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
    >Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry
    >If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
    >Curry on, curry on
    >Cause nothing really Madras.
    >Too late, my dinner's gone
    >Sends shivers down my spine
    >Bottom aching all the time
    >Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
    >Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
    >Naan, ooh, ooh
    >This dupiazza is so mild
    >I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
    >[guitar solo]
    >I see a little chicken tikka on the side
    >Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
    >Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
    >Byriani (Byriani)
    >Byriani (Byriani)
    >Byriani and a naan
    >(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
    >I've eaten balti, somebody help me
    >He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
    >Stand you well back
    >'Case the loo is quarantined...
    >Here it comes
    >There it goes
    >Technicolor yawn
    >I chunder
    >It's coming up again
    >(There he goes)
    >I chunder, it's coming back again
    >(There he goes)
    >Coming back again
    >(up again)
    >Here it comes again.
    >(No no no no no no NO)
    >On my knees, I'm on my knees
    >On his knees, Oh, there he goes
    >This vindaloo
    >Is about to wreck my guts
    >Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
    >[guitar solo]
    >So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
    >So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
    >Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
    >Just had to come out
    >It just had to come right out in here.
    >[guitar solo]
    >[slow bit]
    >Korma or dupizza
    >bhaji, naan or saag
    >Nothing makes a difference
    >Nothing makes a difference
    >To meee....
    >(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)
  12. F-S you are one top chick.  That has severely brightened up another groundhog day. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
  13. Thank you kind sir.  But I take no credit for the creative content.  It made me smile though!
  14. CGS

    CGS War Hero Moderator

    Just showed it to a Navy chap in the next office...

    Well done you, young lady!!