A warning to all of those unlucky enough to live on the far east siberian plateau that is East Anglia - There is currently a potentially deadly nerve agent (and possibly blister agent) that has been released and all residents are advised to lock their windows and doors. The source of this affliction on man is none other than my porcelain throne. Norwich is running a stunning beer festival at the moment and Crabby indulged himself last night on the various bitters, ales, stouts and quantities of west country cider. When I finally arose from my w*nk pit this morning I felt a Richard dangerously near the cloth. Having settled down nicely my bowels started to re-enact the battles of the First World War - lots of mud, death, explosions and nasty gases (luckily no blood). Once my bowels had vacated themselves - all around the throne, yet with pleasingly little splashback I couldn't resist going to my knees and inhaling my own heady vapours. For me it was Nirvana and I was sorely tempted to recover some of the more solid produce to keep myself happy all day. Eventually I just smeared some on my fingers so I could get a crafty sniff in when things get tough. However, the effect on local wildlife has been disaster - one of my housemates referred to me as a "dirty, grotty little man", and the thousands of cats that usually sh*t on my drive are keeping their distance. Effects on inhalation of vapour are a feeling of dizzyness, followed by a stinging/burning senstation in the throat that is an indication of the blistering of your throat/lungs. Prolonged exposure will result in unconciousness and probable death. So... anyone up for the beer festival again tonight?