Tourists in London - bless em

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Sandbanks, May 16, 2007.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. I was wandering along a busy London street earlier today and saw some woman frantically waving at the black cabs that raced past her and becoming more and more frustrated as they didn't stop. Why doesn't anyone tell these dozy people that they are only for hire if the light is on - it doesn't matter how hard you wave and scream at them?

    Another story relates to 3 American 'Golden Girls' on the train back from Windsor who had obviously been looking around the castle as they were looking at the lavish brochure thay had bought. One of them said in a deep Southern drawl "This is a picture of the Queen's saloon" to which her friend answered "That's one hell of a saloon, it's so big you can't even see the bar".

    So I thought I would share these with you to get the ball rolling and wondered if you had any good tourist stories that put a smile on your face and made your day a little bit brighter laughing at the niaiveity, or in some cases, plain stupidity, of others.
  2. "Howdy. Can you direct me to the Wimbledon tennis grounds?"

    "Certainly, straigh ahead, first right, end of the road and right again - about a mile or so. About 30mins" And off they wander, their big fat American arses wobbling

    Of course, if they wanted The All England Lawn Tennis Championships I wouldn't have sent them to Raynes Park. Every fcuking year!!!!
  3. Watched a sceptic emerge from Leicester Square tube station. It had started to rain seconds before and there was already a 'compact umbrella' wallah on hand, doing his stuff:

    "Umbrellas! Three pahrrnd".

    Sceptic chap buys a cheapo brolly, presses the button to extand said device and then watches as everything above the handle pings open and flies off into the road, where it is crushed under the wheels of a big, red bus.

    He stands in the rain, holding just the handle, says "God fcuking damn!", turns around and disappears back into the station.

    Edited for crap spelling again
  4. Working for an american company I seem to babysit some of the more gormless ones.

    The VP of an east coast sales force was convinced that City of London coppers were in fact actors hired for tourists. He thought that only actors, not 'real' officers would wear the typical custodian helmet. :x

    Typical :p

  5. My own Tourist Naive Story that springs to mind (Not London this time) made myself and the 3 other RE lads with me think we were the naive/gullible ones...

    Back in 92 on a Grand Prix during R&R in Kenya - 4 of us decided to get up and down Mt. Kenya in a week, there we were chuffed to rocks with ourselves after getting over the top of the 'Vertical Bog' dropped our bergens that mainly comprised of a weeks rations (from a 10 Man Rat Pack! that's all the QM's would allocate us!!!) and ludicrous amounts of climbing ropes/carabiners etc. all flat on our backs shagged out when about 20 Japanese tourists came hair arseing past us carrying just their cameras!!!!!!! we watched mouths agape as said Nippon Nerds disappeared over the horizon! we got up to Mackinders Hut for a days stay over and had finished our scoff and were busy winding the Rabid Rock Hyrax creatures up when a long line of locals loaded up with huge packs above them came staggering into the camp! these were the Nips human mules for their 'climbing' Exped!!!!!

    Makes you wonder which tourists were the most naive?! I think we soundly won the gullible stakes on that occassion !!!!!
  6. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Not London, but Cambridge. When I walked a beat there, tourists, especially septics would ask gormless questions. Like "Where is the University?"or, "Where can I buy a tin of biscuits with a pretty picture on it"? Or " What's the accomodation like in ...............(a very posh hotel)" As if I could afford to stay there.
    They were very surprised to find we didn't carry guns, and only had a small bit of wood to defend ourselves with, too.
  7. I got called out to a broken down Merc A series on the M4 outside Swindon. It was an american chap and his mrs driving down from Heathrow. I got there, looked at the fuel gauge and it was on empty. I said to the chap
    "your out of fuel mate, the gauge is on empty" to which he replied
    "oh I thought that side of the gauge meant full"
    I was going to mention that the E stands for empty and the F for full but didn`t want to waste my time, never mind the fact that the fuel gauge had started just off the F and gone down as the journey progressed. Maybe he thought the car was recycling the fuel. I then looked in the back and noticed two kids even though the car was reported with only two occupants. I mentioned this to the chap and he said
    " oh, they`re kids I didn`t think I should count them"
    As it was I only had two extra seats in the cab so he had to sit there another half an hour for a bigger truck. :)
  8. Not forgetting of course that Wimbledon is pronounced 'Wimpleton' and Leicester Square becomes 'Liesester Squeer'.

    Another favourite is the Spam in Windsor who stated: "Great castle, but I'd like to meet the jerk who had the idea to build it directly beneath the flight path".
  9. Again not London but Liverpool and not me but MTG Snr. Whilst walking around the Albert Dock, a septic armed with a novelty "Lern yerself scouse" book obviously from one of the gift shops, approaches MTG Snr and whilst reading from the book says in an american accent "Alright der la, can ye tell me de way to Liverpools footie ground?" MTG Snr, trying not to laugh too hard and being an Evertonian sends them in completely the opposite direction towards Toxteth....unlucky septics!
  10. I always remember taking an American girl from RAF Fairford out to see some of the small villages in the area (she wanted to see the real British countryside :roll: )

    So there we are going through a tiny little village when she starts excitedly pointing at one of the thatched cottages and blurts out.


    I was stuck with her for another hour before I could drop here off. :x
  11. Never mind about Septic tourists in London - what about in Ireland?

    Many a year me and by siblings were sent to rellies in Cork and we used to watch the Septic tourists trundle down from Blarney Castle past all the endearing little Irish ruffians at the wayside, never dreaming that we'd all been up there the evening before and copiously pissed all over the Blarney Stone they'd just been kissing!

  12. We get a lot of septics up in the Cotswolds, due in part to Fairford, but also cos it's on the Auld England itinerary.

    I watched an American tourist walk up to the bar in The Lamb at Burford and ask for a drink: "I'll have a martini. I don't want the gin and vermouth to marry, I just want them to shake hands, you understand?."

    The barman (a part time rock ape from Brize) scratched his head, 'ooh arr'ed' a bit and returned with the very, very dry martini.

    "Hey, what the Hell is that?", asks the Yankychappie, staring at the olive in the glass.

    "It be an olive, sur", sez local yokel.

    "Well if I want salad, I'll order one - take it away", comes the reply.
  13. Another couple of Irish memories, from Dublin.

    American tourists are coached in in masses to see Trinity College, and especially the library's greatest treasure, The Book of Kells, an illuminated manuscript. Among various overheard remarks were :

    "Do you have boys and girls in this school?"
    "Can you tell me the way to Kelly's Book?"
    "They call it an illuminated manuscript; but where is the switch and the lights?"

    And - exasperated at the long queue - "Wouldn't you think with the entrance fees, they'd have been able to afford a second copy, so we could get through in half the time?"

    Happy days . . . . .
  14. Working in a pub, back home in the Cotswolds...

    New Yorker: "Hey, barkeep, what's in 'beef and ale' sausage?"
    Myself: "Beef and ale, sir."

    New Yorker: "Excuse me, which bus goes to Stratford-youponevon?"
    Myself: "The 22, sir."
  15. "Wouldn't you think with the entrance fees, they'd have been able to afford a second copy, so we could get through in half the time?"

    Actually caubeen, I think you're on to something here.

    If the Vatican, in order to speed the flow of tourists through the Sistine Chapel, constructed an identical-in-every-way replica of the 'attraction', complete with the ceiling and the Last Judgment, just next door to the original and then diverted every second coach party either to the real or the fake one, how many would actually notice they'd been had?

    Why not construct an exact replica of Venice just around the corner from the original and, hey presto, ease the burden on the ancient city's infrastructure by 50% in the blink of an eye?

    And think of the jobs you'd create!