Tourettes You Cnut...F*cking Tw*t! It's No f*cking bowl of Cherries when your, w*nker! Sh*t, unemployed... Cnuts!

Discussion in 'Blue Jokes' started by Dale the snail, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around
    the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

    Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the
    window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

    'F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to
    the bar. 'Get the f*cking manager of this pigshit middle class
    w*nkhole please... you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The
    barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you
    sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert
    in the c*ntting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.' The manager
    is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for
    a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune
    he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet
    utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful,
    wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse me prime
    minister but I just ****ted your daughter, and now the bitch is

    'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
    less "lively". 'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a
    powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
    his salty teardrops asks him the title.

    'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****
    you get sh*t on your bell-end.' I see' says the manager, 'Have you got
    any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do
    you want me to split your ringhole", or there's the epic "I don't care
    if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the
    manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title of
    your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that
    you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it'
    says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going
    superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is
    being received as modesty.

    The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is
    a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
    revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
    boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

    During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling'
    that he decides to go to the bog and pollish one off, to 'relax
    himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being
    re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes
    his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde
    approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in
    the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your
    penis is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto
    your shoes?'

    'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

    I f*cking wrote it!!!'

  2. Thats gotta be the best joke I have heard for years! Nice one!!
  3. My favouritest joke in the whole wild word. Evers.
  4. sorted
  5. Top Stuff!!
  6. nice one beebs fcuking class!!
  7. just spat my tea on screen .. nice one
  8. One of the best ever!!!
  9. A boy arrives late to school one day teacher asks why he was late

    Boy replys it my dad miss
    Oh! what hapenend
    he got badly burned
    oh! how bad was it
    he replys they dont fuck about at the crem
  10. english class the teacher points to a boy at the back off a room and asks him what his dad does for a living he replys sheet metal worker miss
    she asks him if he can spell sheet he replys S H E T E teacher replys thats wrong go practice on the blackboard.
    she points to another pupil and asks a girl what her dad does for a living
    girl replys he s a bookie miss
    teacher asks can you spell bookie girl replys no but i will give you 10-1 odds hes writting shite on the blackboard
  11. good one
  12. Im crying a little. class.