Top Tips

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by cernunnos, Jan 26, 2009.

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  1. On Sunday morning our lass was waffling on as usual, I was maintaining the traditional male listening watch so I could grunt or nod in the pauses. It went like this:

    "Blah blah blah blah Tea tree Oil blah blah blah Expensive stuff blah blah blah Asians use it to protect their skin and hair blah blah blah anti fungal blah blah blah really good blah blah Are you listening to me at all?"


    The "anti fungal" bit had caught my attention as I had just become aware of a rabid new outbreak of bell-end broccoli which would be hard to explain away to my wife as I had evidently contracted it in the "Geisha House" on Hohenloher Weg (Nr 69 strangely enough it won't google but that's the number painted on the house). Not having a tube of industrial strength Canesten to hand I was at a bit of a loss as to how I should fight the contagion.

    As soon as she'd fu'cked off to church I grabbed her bottle of priceless pure Tea Tree oil, hand trodden from dolphin friendly trees by eco aware Australian Aboriginals who have never heard of Rolf Harris. Not caring much for small print I poured the neat stuff over my co'ck.

    That was a mistake, it doesn't exactly burn, but if you can imagine taking a large dog fish out of the deep freeze and reanimating it while it is still at minus 20 degrees, then let it chew your bell end for five hours until it completely thaws out, then you'll know what I mean.

    Todays top tips from me are

    a. The Geisha house! (But the jap lasses aren't always good for your japs eye).

    b. Never use neat tea tree oil, mix it with water like the little label says.

    The itching has stopped by the way!

    Does anyone else have a top tip?
  2. Give us an update on the lezza, and the rest of your antics
  3. Make your wife cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
  4. After the application of any type of muscle liniment, deep heat or the like, always wash hands very carefully before going for a piss or playing with the girlfriends lady-bits! :pissedoff:
  5. I had a similar experience with Tea tree oil on my bellend. After getting the old chap pierced in Schloss Neuhaus the little blonde behind the counter suggested that I purchase some to use on the PA.

    Fair one thought I, and bought a little bottle of the stuff. Not being bothered to read the instructions, as we're men, and have no need to. I tried a bit later that evening. Not too bad for the 1st 5 seconds, then it felt as though someone had put my cock in a slow cooker on a medium simmer, then progressing quite quickly to something akin to trying to fcuk a vindaloo. After a good wash, of my now brightpink cock, I decided to bin the bottle and use something less detol!
  6. A top tip I learned at the tender age of 15 or so is that a w*nk is not so much enlivened by a little tiger balm on the palm of one's hand but is turned into 2 or 3 hours of pure hell. I learned at the same time that ice cold water seems to enhance the fiery properties of tiger balm and not reduce them.
  7. Top Tip - Dont fcuk other wimin other than yer mrs, no sympathy if yer c0ck falls off !! :twisted:
  8. I'll try and find time, the trouble with writing is, it cuts into your shagging time! As a taster I now have three lezzers in my attic and the wicked witch is in a home, unfortunately just around the corner. But at least I don't have the apparition of Nefertiti's gran in a negligee, hovering over my cornflakes every day.
  9. When getting ready for a game of rugby, after rubbing deep heat into all the usual bits - MAKE SURE YOU WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE GOING FOR A P*SS

    Put me off my game for the first half!
  10. Oi! John Knox, you must be a real laugh on Ops!
  11. Do not listen to the grand Emperor Mong for he will land you in a whole world of sh1t.
  12. If you find yourself choking having swallowed an ice cube, don't worry, simply boil a kettle of water and as it boils pour it down your throat, hey presto, the ice cube has gone.
  13. I got married quite young and during a weird conversation, my sister in law recommended to my wife that the addition of a little toothpaste to the genatalia during sex was out of this world. I somewhat naively agreed. All was well for first 30 secs and the warm sensation was quite pleasant. This was quickly replaced by a fiery burning on the love muscle somewhere akin to sulphuric acid being poured on your knob.

    After 5 minute fighting the Mrs to get use of the bathroom, Outcast managed to get it all washed off before any permanent damage occurred. Mrs Outcast on the other hand was having a lot more trouble as the toothpaste had got quite deep (me being hung like a donkey) and she was trying to get the rose off the shower to give herself a good hosing out.

    She was on the phone to her sister that night telling her of our antics and she pissed herself laughing saying she had only said it as a joke and never thought we would do it. We got our own back when a week later, she phoned her sister and told her that she had just returned from the hospital where they found the toothpaste had damaged her ovaries and she would never be able to have kids. We kept this lie up for about a week and sis in law felt really bad. She even sent sorry cards and flowers to wife.

    So top tip, if someone tells you to put something on your knob that isn't supposed to go onto it, ffs dont do it.
  14. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pool of vomit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.