On Sunday morning our lass was waffling on as usual, I was maintaining the traditional male listening watch so I could grunt or nod in the pauses. It went like this: "Blah blah blah blah Tea tree Oil blah blah blah Expensive stuff blah blah blah Asians use it to protect their skin and hair blah blah blah anti fungal blah blah blah really good blah blah Are you listening to me at all?" "Grunt" The "anti fungal" bit had caught my attention as I had just become aware of a rabid new outbreak of bell-end broccoli which would be hard to explain away to my wife as I had evidently contracted it in the "Geisha House" on Hohenloher Weg (Nr 69 strangely enough it won't google but that's the number painted on the house). Not having a tube of industrial strength Canesten to hand I was at a bit of a loss as to how I should fight the contagion. As soon as she'd fu'cked off to church I grabbed her bottle of priceless pure Tea Tree oil, hand trodden from dolphin friendly trees by eco aware Australian Aboriginals who have never heard of Rolf Harris. Not caring much for small print I poured the neat stuff over my co'ck. That was a mistake, it doesn't exactly burn, but if you can imagine taking a large dog fish out of the deep freeze and reanimating it while it is still at minus 20 degrees, then let it chew your bell end for five hours until it completely thaws out, then you'll know what I mean. Todays top tips from me are a. The Geisha house! (But the jap lasses aren't always good for your japs eye). b. Never use neat tea tree oil, mix it with water like the little label says. The itching has stopped by the way! Does anyone else have a top tip?