Top Tips for an easier life in the Army

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by Randy_McNob, Dec 16, 2008.

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  1. Heres a few I often used

    At the start of basic training, on the first PT assessment only actually do about 60% of what you can actually do.

    When you are getting beasted, scream and shout a lot and make it look like you are really suffering. If you can comfortably do 40 press ups, make it look like you are struggling to manage 30. Finish your BFT only 15 seconds or so before the cut off time, and look as though you are about to die.

    Then towards the end of your basic, really flog yourself. You will be fitter than when you started anyway, so that combined with the bit you have kept in reserve from the start of basic your 'new' results will impress the PTI's so much, you will win the most improved recruit fitness award.

    If after you reach your working unit you are feeling lazy and fancy getting 'Bedded Down' for the day, when reporting sick take some very hot water to the med centre in a small bottle. The first thing the Medics will do if you turn up and say you feel a bit rotten is take your temperature. Whilst they go off for the thermometer, take a slug of the really hot water, hold it in your mouth for as long as you can just before they come back, swallow the water. Your temp will be high, you will get bedded down.

    If its a quiet day round camp, always walk round carrying a broom. If a SNCO is after a 'Volunteer' for some crap errand, he is more likely to leave you alone if you are carrying a broom, and pick on someone without one.

    If you know they are short of guards to stag on over the weekend and its likely the duty NCO will be coming round your block looking for 'Volunteers', always make sure you lock your door. If your door does not lock, have a bottle of vodka next to your bed and take a hefty slug of it when you see him coming. (Then hide it) Duty NCO's seem to come searching for singlys for duties about 10-15 minutes after the Guard parades if they are short staffed. When he tries to 'Wake you up', simply groan, moan, and say 'I'm still pished'. The smell of the vodka on your breath will soon have him looking for a 'sober' singly to do the duty.

    I got away with crap like this for years.

    Fantastic stuff.
  2. a Walty Wah.
  3. There is a term for that sort of thing... it's called malingering and is pretty obvious when attempted.
  4. Damn right! With that sort of attitude, expect a steep and painful learning curve.
  5. What happened to the time-honoured squaddie tradition of skive to survive? Gets me through life anyway.....
  6. Randy, I think that you just may have offered a few tips there that will

    possibly make life a little more difficult. From my experience, both in the

    Mob and in civvy street, people pulling stunts like that are very quickly

    noticed and dealt with accordingly. A reputation as a skiver soon sticks
  7. Quality skiving deserves all the respect it gets, but try this on your mates and you,ll end up with your head kicked in for taking the piss.
  8. Top tips for an easier life in the Army:

    2 ears, one mouth so listen twice as much as you talk.

    Don't lie to your NCOs and officers; you will get caught and the outcome will be a lot worse than if you were honest to start off with.

    Don't being a malingering fcukwit or you will soon be despised by all.
  9. Are you a Cadet or in the TA?
  10. Mostly shi'ite which will get you binned or battered (or both),
    this, however, is a corker

    I had a variation of this myself with a pot of paint and a set of coveralls. :wink:
  11. I never once got binned or battered by anyone.

    All quality skives I can assure you
  12. Don't you chaps have in-ear thermometers now?
  13. 'Mad Mick' prefered the anal thermometeters.
  14. you've got TWO clues, use them.
  15. Errrm

    You did 3 weeks in the Cadets then tried for the TA?