I live in Hampstead (not the gay bit). It seems that the done thing for someone off the telly to do, once they have accumulated enough funds, is to buy an overpriced flat in my road or one of the adjacent ones, and start pissing everyone off by rebuilding it, with an underground gym and swimming pool complex (yes Ricky Gervais you cunt, I'm talking about you.) Anyway, it appears that all these 'celebs' have absolutely no imagination whatsoever and all drink in the same shit boozers, The Steels for the trendy ones, The Hawley Arms for drug addicted ones, or the Flask for the older ones with kids. I spend much of my time frequenting these pubs so that I can 'accidentally' bump in to them in the bogs and compare cock size.
Celebs who live within a mile of me that I don't want to punch:
David Gray, the guitar geezer.
Lisa Stansfield, that Northern bird.
Jeremy Irons, Voice of Scar in the Lion King and various other films.
Emma Thompson, MILFtastic.
Emma Watson, Harry Potter bird.
John Moss of Culture Club, Boy George Jizz stomach pumping fame.
Celebs who live within a mile of me that I want to punch:
Ricky Gervais and his lanky twat oppo
Both those cunts from Little Britain
Both the Gallagher brothers
Edited to add:
According to Wiki, my problem is considerably worse than I first imagined, it appears that bellend from Coldplay and Sting both live here too.
Did security at Creamfields in 2000. Big night out the night before and Ive got the beer shits big time. Go backstage and have a "posh" portaloo (well, posh in the fact that it didnt have a 100m queue) and someone is banging on my door as Im emptying my guts. I tell them to fcuck off and wait. Turns out it was radio 1's Sara Cox.
Funny thing was after going into my fetid stench she later came and found me on stage an apologised for banging on the door!
My mother sat two rows behind Kate Humble (BBC nature girl with the big norks and hair you can get a real grip of) on a flight from New York and told me about 5 months later while talking on the phone.
My wifes aunt's next door neighbours cousins daughters friend once bumped into a man who played squash with a bloke who's brothers best mates daughter had a massive picture of Orlando Bloom in her bedroom.
I actually stood in the same spot that George Clooney the other 10 geezers stood outside the Belagio in Vegas. In fact I think one of the dirty bastrds was responsible for the chewing gum that attached itself to my shoe. It's now in a jar on my dining table with photo's of all the cast, in weird shrine.
My old man discovered and coached Kriss Akabusi and I had to sleep on the floor in my brother room when Aki stayed.
My Mrs shagged Billy Idol ( 2 decades before I met her) apparently he like to be bitten, fkin perve. She also knows the Clash, Elvis Costello and half the Bands on the 1st Stiff label tour.
Oh yeah and the Boss smiled at me, At a garden party at Buck Palace. I couldn't get to shake her hand as she was about 5 feet away, but she looked me in the eye and smiled at me. Made my year that did, god bless her.