Top ten worst things about rehab

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Placebo, Jun 28, 2010.

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  1. 1. Alcoholic beverages not allowed.

    2. Winking at the nurses does not make you look "cute." As a matter of fact, you come off looking like a creep.

    3. Amy Winehouse is not expected here anytime soon.

    4. "Hey Placebo, how much did you have to drink today?"

    5. Being forced to relax your arrsehole because some stupid nurse thinks you are up to no good.

    6. Being proved to be up to no good by said nurse.

    7. Being told by a 60 year old woman that wanking off is actually good for the heart and stamina. ""How do you think I maintain my smooth skin? You have to use the tips of your fingers." Eeeww!

    8. Fantasizing about bedding said woman.

    9. Actually bedding aforementioned 60 year old woman day after leaving rehab.

    10. Confessing to said woman: "that was the best sex I ever had."
  2. skid2

    skid2 LE Book Reviewer

    Too many quitters in it
  3. Can you put me in touch with the 60 year old woman?
  4. Fancying the female PTI and finding out she's a lessie.
  5. "Nurse... why do the windows in my bedroom only open one inch....?"

    "But... a mate of mine told I could bring my Mess Kit and Golf Clubs as there will Mess 'Dining Out' nights every Friday...!"

    "No alcohol... Mr Smith.... you know the rules.... so hand over your bottle of Tequila..... or Sister will give you a Castor Oil enema tonight....!"

    "No..... Miss Winehouse cannot share your room with you......!"

    "Is that right..... So Frank Sinatra... did do it ... "his way!" :?
  6. Lots of bad stuff:

    No booze is quite easy to deal with for first few days.

    What is bad, though is not being able to ease springs because of the number of people hiding in the bog to avoid a blood test. The nurses have master keys to unlock khazis and capture lurking needle-phobics, but by the time they have, you can be in a terribly soiled condition.

    Being the ward guinea pig for medical students who have never diagnosed an alcoholic is a downer too - being prodded by middle class twenty-somethings who all think they're House.

    Worse is getting a stiffie during the procedure, while some young, pouting med student lubes up to attempt a scan.

    Even worse is being told by the consultant that you are about to die, on a regular basis.

    But the very worst thing is the shockingly awful shiite that is on the pay-as-you-watch television. You realise that you have spent so much time being drunk that you've quite forgotten how utterly appalling it is.
  7. Surely the worst thing is needing it in the first place?

    but good luck and mucho respect to those making the effort
  8. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Yeah, that'll be right.

    How about the four eyed git in the Cardie who starts asking about your early life with an ernest expression, then starts scribbling on his pad when you get to the bit about your Auntie turning up one day in a short skirt?

    1. Tossers in Cardies

    2. Tossers who say "Well, you have nobody to blame but yourself"

    3. Tossers in jeans who's most edgy experience was buying a VW Golf

    4. Being thrown in with proper tossers with bad tatoos and worse breath

    5, 6, 7, 8, 9. Tossers

    10. Having enough of fucking tossers and deciding it's time to change the plot.

    10 is your only chance. Be lucky.