Top Mong

I have encountered many. As long as they are not my responsibility, I quite like them. They usually brighten up my day. I love to hear of, or better still witness, the hi jinx situations they cause.

One bloke was sitting at my table while we were eating our dinner one day and I heard one of the lads asking him why the **** he was eating his soup with a fork!! He was a ******* classic him, did that mouth open thing aswell. He thought a wind up head torch was ally as **** aswell, even though it was as loud as a two stroke aprilia when he wound it up.

Many more have hilighted dull days for me, such as the same bloke above on the ranges, after being told by some blokes from 1para not to take any pictures, standing in full view of everybody arm fully stretched out with his mobile phone in his hand taking a lovely picture for his facebook or something.

Or another berserker when I was posted in to my first unit. On exercise he was the gimpy gunner and I was his no 2 carrying a daysack full of link that weighed a ******* ton. I was looking forward to getting rid of it all in an ambush that we were set up in. The brain of britain had listened very carefully to the full screw telling him to make sure the gas parts were 6 clicks open. The daft **** had turned them 6 clicks fully closed. Cue ambush time and Gimpy not really working and super gunner with that classic confused look on his face.

I ended up absolutely hanging out my hoop running with fcuking shit loads of link that I had to stuff back into my daysack. oh how I laughed.
 
'Or another berserker when I was posted in to my first unit. On exercise he was the gimpy gunner and I was his no 2 carrying a Daysack full of link that weighed a ******* ton. I was looking forward to getting rid of it all in an ambush that we were set up in. The brain of britain had listened very carefully to the full screw telling him to make sure the gas parts were 6 clicks open. The daft **** had turned them 6 clicks fully closed. Cue ambush time and Gimpy not really working and super gunner with that classic confused look on his face.

I ended up absolutely hanging out my hoop running with fcuking shit loads of link that I had to stuff back into my Daysack. oh how I laughed'.

So you carried the link for the Missing Link ...
 
I cant name him because he had one of those 'Corporal Sergeant' type names.

The man was a chod from another Corps joining us on a search op in Kosovo.

2 n'd's into the same loading bay with his 9mil, outside the same op's rm with the same op's shift appearing at the windows grinning inanely at him werent enough to cement his tardness.

The ******* balloon also insisted that a Lynx had 'gone down' as we watched it dip forward and disappear under the skyline up in the Majanc Valley and called it in causing a right arse ache for some poor **** back in Pristina. He wouldnt accept that it is an agile and nippy piece of kit from 3 of us who had spent a couple days in one the week before motoring round, he just kept saying 'but it just dipped and disappeared Corporal?!'

He was a year out of Sandhurst and apparently (I quote) 'been on 15 to 1 and had worked in the City before joining up', the mind ******* boggles thinking of where he could be now.
 

Str8Bloke

War Hero
Knew a man called "Venus" As in "Venus Flytrap". The mouth breathing fool had his lower jaw permanently hanging slack. Nice guy tho.
 
My nominee would be the genius who almost forgot his rifle, prior to a fuel run up to Al-Amara in '04.

had almost exactly the same thing, was driving an FFR to safwan from SLB and the rad op didnt have his weapon. i asked where it was he told me not to worry about it. turned out he had missed the armoury opening times and didnt want to get into trouble so just left it. he was a lance jack.
 
We had an English guy in our troop who's parents lived on Tiree as they worked for the Met office he got an extra day either of leave to get home as he had to fly from Glasgow aiport. Funnily enough we could understand him.
 
'Khan', a half Asian lad from Queensbury.

I was on the same train as him going to Lympstone, he wasn't on my PRC and I didn't ping him as a recruit until we switched at Exeter to the train for Commando Halt, he looked like he had his Dad's suit on with a tatty old sports bag and had that strange, far away gormless look about him.

Contrary to popular belief it isn't all shouty shouty down there at first, they were watching for the characters, moaners, good eggs, the comedians, confused types, bull shitters ect ect. Khan however stood out from the off. Always late, fell asleep in most of the initial lectures and being made to stand at ease next to the instructor doing the brief didn't remedy that (although to be fair the ******* heat inside was horrendous, especially when sat in woolly pulley after 2 hours of phys and a 30 second shower!) But Khans downfall was triggered on Exercise Hunters Moon which was basically tons of map reading, intro to yomping, field craft, bit of basic survival, inspections, beastings, the whole works, made all the more uncomfortable when you periodically caught a whiff of fried meat emanating from the warm confines of a hut that the DS lived in! :)

Final mornings inspection went true to form, it had rained and ******* rained so try as you might you couldn't keep your kit gleaming, or at least to inspection standard, my weapon and personal hygiene was spot on but my towel was covered in bits of twigs and leaves and I looked like I'd cammed up my face with my feet, I was made to monkey run around the whole bivvy area as was every one of us at some point that morning, it was quite comedic having 30 plus lads flying round on their knuckles waiting for the next lap after the inevitable 'finding' of more shite on your kit and then dutifully followed by the heart breaking 'pays to be a winner' scenario which religiously had me hanging out of my arse for the first phase of training.

One of the DS was fishing round in Khan's belt kit and retracted his hand as if a snake had bitten him, he called over Corporal H, nicknamed 'the tree' due to his height and skeletal appearance who after laughing his cock off used a twig to fish out a load of toilet paper from a kidney pouch covered in shit swipes. It was a bit like the jelly doughnut scene in Full Metal Jacket, at this point Khan was still monkey running round the bivouac and returned to find the complete DS stood round the toilet role he'd wiped his arse on.

Not a lot was said to be fair, he was asked why it was in his belt kit and where had he shat? Being an empty headed **** he fessed up to shitting against the tree that his basha was bungeed to because he didn't know where else to go, I suppose you could put it down to his religious faith or whatever but the lad had shat next to his pit in panic, without burying it and tried to hide the tissues in his webbing, case closed really. He was fucked off a couple of weeks later after a few more insane episodes, **** knows how he got through PRC, then it was a pretty full on 3 days as it is now so someone must have liked him!

But then there's a flip side, a completely silent lad called Boyd from some Outer Hebridean island spent the first few weeks as a total biff, completely fresh to the reality's that exist away from the comfortable cocoon of remote island life, he was bullied by two lads in their late 20's from London who 'asked' him to buy them things from the shop, it was my first intro to real service bullying and you don't really know what to do when your 17 but I remember being glad it wasn't me but remember more Mac P, an ex doorman from Hull chasing the pair of them out of the block with the expressed promise that he'd open them both up if they went near the softly spoken Jock again, but the big lad ended up doing big things, SF Sigs for SBS then training DS, quite the thruster I'm led to believe.
 
P

PrinceAlbert

Guest
For any of you gents reading this thread, who can't think of a "top mong" to write about......the odds are that you're the top mong!
 

llech

LE
Had one chap turn up in full combats and his own webbing on day 1, off we set for a BFT and he was in a norwegian and combat jacket, he lasted about 500m before getting lobbed on the jack wagon.
Next morning he was gone 'cept for a patch of his combat jacket left on a piece of the barbed wire fence.
 
Don't know if it qualifies him as a mong or not?
But we had one guy, a highlander with us and **** he was a terror for the drink! fkinell there wasn't a night that he didn't come in at night absolutely heaving, it always resulted in us carrying him and his bed out into the corridor where he would completely foul his bed (christ I can smell it now) but amazingly come seven o clock he'd be over to the cookhouse eating like a horse, I often look back and wonder did he ever reach the age of 30, I think he held the regimental mattress buying champion title three years on the trot. but to his credit there wasn't a vehicle that he couldn't throw around like a toy.
 
I remember 1 PWRR pod op in Kosovo on Agricola 4 (worked in Waterloo lines, those who were there will remember him). He got out as a 22 year private. Somebody told me he'd been on the phone making sure his missus was alright as she'd been complaining that her hoop was giving her gip after some bloke had been banging her up the wrong'un!

The guy from 23 Amph Sqn, who last year was shagging whores bareback in Kenya. What a ******* mong.
 
We had a hobo - literally - in our Regiment (TA equivalent). When the regt was called up for 4 months a year, Spykerman was picked up from his park bench, scrubbed clean and given two sets of combats. At least for those 4 months he had food and a place to sleep.

Our RSM was away for a few days and we had a visiting RSM in charge. Spykerman did something he didn't like, and the RSM instrucuted him to stand to attention on the parade ground until he felt the need to aoplogise. For two days Spykerman stood on the parade ground from sun up to sun down. The RSM backed off. That was the highlight of Spykerman's tour.
the RSM

....."the RSM instrucuted him to stand to attention on the parade ground until he felt the need to aoplogise".......

Bollocks.
There has never been an RSM in the British Army - Regular or TA - who has asked ( or even ******* ordered for that matter ) a soldier to apologise.
Apologies rate about as useful on an RSM's list of useful things as sympathy.

You have never served have you .
 
the RSM

....."the RSM instrucuted him to stand to attention on the parade ground until he felt the need to aoplogise".......

Bollocks.
There has never been an RSM in the British Army - Regular or TA - who has asked ( or even ******* ordered for that matter ) a soldier to apologise.
Apologies rate about as useful on an RSM's list of useful things as sympathy.

You have never served have you .

The meat of that post is an old fable, its up there with the '2 long haired blokes who walked across a parade square, the badge went ballistic about them being bereft of lids on his parade square, until they pulled out 2 sandy lids', ie, a load of ******* cock :)

I think some people sometimes forget who their audience is..
 
The meat of that post is an old fable, its up there with the '2 long haired blokes who walked across a parade square, the badge went ballistic about them being bereft of lids on his parade square, until they pulled out 2 sandy lids', ie, a load of ******* cock :)

I think some people sometimes forget who their audience is..

OK Carlos...
Give me just one example from your military experience of an RSM asking for an apology.
Its still bollocks ...
 
OK Carlos...
Give me just one example from your military experience of an RSM asking for an apology.
Its still bollocks ...

Is being disabled a hobby to you? Read my post again you ******* window licker, funnily enough I'm in agreement with you :)

Obviously 2 for 1 on Domestos down your way tonight....
 
We had a hobo - literally - in our Regiment (TA equivalent). When the regt was called up for 4 months a year, Spykerman was picked up from his park bench, scrubbed clean and given two sets of combats. At least for those 4 months he had food and a place to sleep.

Our RSM was away for a few days and we had a visiting RSM in charge. Spykerman did something he didn't like, and the RSM instrucuted him to stand to attention on the parade ground until he felt the need to aoplogise. For two days Spykerman stood on the parade ground from sun up to sun down. The RSM backed off. That was the highlight of Spykerman's tour.

That Spykerman sounds like the sort of bloke you'd want in your billet in a WWII Jap POW camp.
 
I cant really call Thommo a mong but he was the most accident prone guy I've ever met.

He went to 45 with me and was knacked playing football, cue 3 months in plaster swerving Norway nicely. Back to tip top health he got his jaw broken in a pub in guzz on a course and completed the treble the year after doing a sport lob in California and creaming in destroying his lower back, medically discharged in the end, he had the unusual moniker of 'Mr Bean in Green' :)
 
Is being disabled a hobby to you? Read my post again you ******* window licker, funnily enough I'm in agreement with you :)

Obviously 2 for 1 on Domestos down your way tonight....

OK ....so your comment re: "fables" was towards the original poster and not my "bollocks" reply to thread....I think.
If so ...nice talking to you and lets not waste time arguing the finer points of grammar.
P.S. I am licking neither windows nor domestos but a rather nice Rosemount Shiraz .....mmmm
 

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