Top Mong

#1
who was the biggest mong you ever met?

for me a close run thing between one bloke who on at least two occaisions on the range went to cock the weapon then realised he'd lost the cocking handle. when on parade his phone starts ringing (you can see it lighting up through his shirt and after the Plt Sgt glares at him for about 90 seconds he says "somebodys phones ringing". he also used to stand with his mouth open all the time. we used to call him timmy after the retard in south park.

the second bloke nearly shot guys in our Plt at least 3 times and eventually wanst allowed to fire unless his section cmd pointed at something and said "fire there and no where else". also saw him inching his way towards one of those big afghan gaurd dogs with some food on a spoon, it was up on its hind lesgs being held back by a choke chain and generally trying to bite his head off before the OC told him get away from the bloody thing. He also spent a lot of time slack jawed.
 
#3
Lt L***tt Sch****er RE
 
#5
i think the first mong i mentioned actually had something wrong with him, he was always just stood staring at the sky with his mouth open and snot hanging out of his nose. he had one of the poorest levels of personal hygiene i have ever seen.

Naturally he was a chef.
 
#6
We had a hobo - literally - in our Regiment (TA equivalent). When the regt was called up for 4 months a year, Spykerman was picked up from his park bench, scrubbed clean and given two sets of combats. At least for those 4 months he had food and a place to sleep.

Our RSM was away for a few days and we had a visiting RSM in charge. Spykerman did something he didn't like, and the RSM instrucuted him to stand to attention on the parade ground until he felt the need to aoplogise. For two days Spykerman stood on the parade ground from sun up to sun down. The RSM backed off. That was the highlight of Spykerman's tour.
 
#7
We had one. He was from some remote Scottish island and could barely speak English. He only went for a shit once a week, he claimed this was normal, he also had personal hygene problems. When he went on leave it had to coincide with the arrival of a fishing boat at some God forsaken Scottish port, as there was no ferry service to his island. We used to pray that he would decide not to come back, but he always did.
 
#8
I've mentioned him before, but the bloke in our plt in NI, who got told to hold down an electric fence so the rest of us could cross it, grabbed it with his bare hands, and promptly started disco dancing, slowly shouting oowwwww!

Mind you, I could nominate myself for crossing said fence while still pissing myself laughing at him, and then having the wire slip from under my boot and deliver some volts to my nuts, causing me to end up in the bottom of a ditch with a bloody nose and a bloody SUSAT...
 
#9
We had a hobo - literally - in our Regiment (TA equivalent). When the regt was called up for 4 months a year, Spykerman was picked up from his park bench, scrubbed clean and given two sets of combats. At least for those 4 months he had food and a place to sleep.

Our RSM was away for a few days and we had a visiting RSM in charge. Spykerman did something he didn't like, and the RSM instrucuted him to stand to attention on the parade ground until he felt the need to aoplogise. For two days Spykerman stood on the parade ground from sun up to sun down. The RSM backed off. That was the highlight of Spykerman's tour.
He stood there for two whole days?

No food, water or piss breaks?

The bloke must have been nails or more feasibly you are fibbing.
 
#10
He stood there for two whole days?

No food, water or piss breaks?

The bloke must have been nails or more feasibly you are fibbing.
Read my comments. He was a hobo. He stood on the parade ground from sun up to sun down. He lived in his own sh*t for 8 months of the year, another two days didn't make a difference to him.
 
#12
when the second bloke told us his mrs was pregnant rather than the usual "congratulatons you retard" etc etc he was met with a stunned silence and someone muttering jesus christ under his breath.

bit harsh, but fair.
 
T

Tinman74

Guest
#13
I've mentioned him before, but the bloke in our plt in NI, who got told to hold down an electric fence so the rest of us could cross it, grabbed it with his bare hands, and promptly started disco dancing, slowly shouting oowwwww!

Mind you, I could nominate myself for crossing said fence while still pissing myself laughing at him, and then having the wire slip from under my boot and deliver some volts to my nuts, causing me to end up in the bottom of a ditch with a bloody nose and a bloody SUSAT...
That gave me a chuckle, has a similar face meeting SUSAT experience, trying to be 'ALLY' and jumping of te back of a bedford.
 
#15
We had one. He was from some remote Scottish island and could barely speak English. He only went for a shit once a week, he claimed this was normal, he also had personal hygene problems. When he went on leave it had to coincide with the arrival of a fishing boat at some God forsaken Scottish port, as there was no ferry service to his island. We used to pray that he would decide not to come back, but he always did.
odd, we had an Armourer in one of my units who lived an an island called Harris, up that way. He got an extra 5 days leave a year as the journey home was so long. could barely understand a word he said either.

wasn't a mong though, in fact far from it, was switched on bloke and sharp at his work. got his lance jack at his first unit too.
 
#16
We had a potential instructor (PI, red tab) in my ACF coy who was a long dirty streak of piss with a total charisma bypass. He was incapable of holding a conversation with anyone at all, and claimed to have his own gardening business, when we all knew he did a bit of labouring for his old man who was a general builder. The kids used to avoid him or completely ignore him or just tell him to fuck off all the time. His combats were filthy with black greasy shite and his BO and bad breath were made you feel sick. He once jumped in to my car when he heard I was going to the village shop outside camp, started coughing like a TB victim, and then lit up a fag without even asking me if it was okay to smoke in my car, which it was not. I opened all of the windows in response, even though it was December, pissing down, and freezing. He was a fucking leper hated by everybody. One day we looked in his locker and found a large Superdrug carrier bag full of toiletries, all unopened and a till receipt in the bag over 2 years old! He never washed or showered during the whole camp

You'll be glad to know he's the TA's problem now!
 
#17
I have met many top mongs in my long and singularly inglorious career, so it is difficult to pick a small number to write about!! As I remember them I will post!!

On a range in N.I. on a specialist weapons fun day, was RCO for the shotgun range, and had to spend an hour getting “Talked to” by a Short Arms Corps bloke, who was a self confessed “expert” (walt) on all things shotgun, who went into great detail of all the weapons he had fired and how he once hit a moving target with a solid shot from a Remington at 100 metres, (really?) then criticised my range and said that I was putting too many range safeties on the point, which was one per firer (bearing in mind there were civvies n unqualified military firers on the range!) demanded to go on the point with no safety as he didn’t need one, (denied obviously) then when he grabbed the “Big Vern” shotgun (Sawn off double barrelled beast! recovered from UVF) and hit the point, failed to heed to the “Single barrels only” order, ripped a 5” gash in the web of his hand when he blasted both barrels simultaneously, then spun around launched the shotgun at the safety and ran screaming from the point claret flowing everywhere! Then had the audacity to claim that my range was unsafe!! Luckily I had witnesses and he was the one who ended up getting marched into his boss not me!! And he wondered why I never let him attend the range days after that!! Frickin Mong!! Fickin Walty Mong!!
 
#19
me too, I think it could be quite easy with a bit of practice - at a man sized target of course. I wonder if any of the blokes using the combat shotgun in AFG have managed it?
 

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