Army Rumour Service

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Top lad you. Cheers.

I heard about a beautiful act of cuntery this week and I thought I’d share it with the assembled members.

I know this bloke at work called Darren. He’s in a different department to me, but our paths cross from time to time.

He’s widely regarded as a bit of a ****. You know the sort, refuses to do anything over and above the bare minimum of what’s in his contract, knows every bit of small print in the company Ts&Cs for getting out of work.

No one likes him. He’s also tight as ****. Apparently he’s got about 12 slum rental properties, plus earns about 60 grand a year, but drives around in a shit heap 20 year old car.

Anyway, he never comes out on company piss ups or work do’s A) because he’s a **** and hates everyone and B ) because he’s tight as **** and refuses to buy drinks.

So last year it’s Christmas party time. The girls in his office organise some gathering in a shit venue. There will be karaoke, a buffet and a couple of drinks each behind the bar.

Darren doesn’t get an invite. To be fair, he’s not gonna come anyway, so why bother?

As the party nears, he gets wind of the fact that he hasn’t been invited.

In a beautiful act of revenge, he quietly phones up the venue and cancels the booking.

Day of the party, 40 odd people rock up to this place expecting karaoke and sausage rolls to find another party going on in their place and an irate pub landlord who’s pissed off at them for cancelling at the last minute.

Bravo Darren. Bravo.
Every workplace has one. Especially where I work. It's me.
 
Ravers, how do you know it was Darren who did the dirty? Did he admit to it, or did someone overhear him making the call? Did the pissed-off landlord say that Darren had cancelled?

So, where did you all go for the rest of the night? Did you organise any payback for him?
 

Dread

LE
I heard about a beautiful act of cuntery this week and I thought I’d share it with the assembled members.

I know this bloke at work called Darren. He’s in a different department to me, but our paths cross from time to time.

He’s widely regarded as a bit of a ****. You know the sort, refuses to do anything over and above the bare minimum of what’s in his contract, knows every bit of small print in the company Ts&Cs for getting out of work.

No one likes him. He’s also tight as ****. Apparently he’s got about 12 slum rental properties, plus earns about 60 grand a year, but drives around in a shit heap 20 year old car.

Anyway, he never comes out on company piss ups or work do’s A) because he’s a **** and hates everyone and B ) because he’s tight as **** and refuses to buy drinks.

So last year it’s Christmas party time. The girls in his office organise some gathering in a shit venue. There will be karaoke, a buffet and a couple of drinks each behind the bar.

Darren doesn’t get an invite. To be fair, he’s not gonna come anyway, so why bother?

As the party nears, he gets wind of the fact that he hasn’t been invited.

In a beautiful act of revenge, he quietly phones up the venue and cancels the booking.

Day of the party, 40 odd people rock up to this place expecting karaoke and sausage rolls to find another party going on in their place and an irate pub landlord who’s pissed off at them for cancelling at the last minute.

Bravo Darren. Bravo.
That is beautiful.

I wish more people in the world were like Darren.
 

Ravers

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Ravers, how do you know it was Darren who did the dirty? Did he admit to it, or did someone overhear him making the call? Did the pissed-off landlord say that Darren had cancelled?

So, where did you all go for the rest of the night? Did you organise any payback for him?

He freely admitted it was him afterwards.

Fuck knows where they went. Like I said, not my department. He’s just someone I occasionally cross paths with and give a knowing nod of mutual cuntship too.
 
Ravers, how do you know it was Darren who did the dirty? Did he admit to it, or did someone overhear him making the call? Did the pissed-off landlord say that Darren had cancelled?

So, where did you all go for the rest of the night? Did you organise any payback for him?

Because 'Darren' is his scummy working class alter-ego

@Ravers, it's OK mate, confession is a type of cleansing for the soul
 

Dredd

LE
That is beautiful.

I wish more people in the world were like Darren.

Company we are working with at the moment is packed full of 'em.

In fact, the odd-one-out is the Anti-Darren. Which makes them even more of a Good Guy as a result when compared to all the Wanks.
 
Company we are working with at the moment is packed full of 'em.

In fact, the odd-one-out is the Anti-Darren. Which makes them even more of a Good Guy as a result when compared to all the Wanks.
Do you work for Border Force too? I work with a whole team who are bitter twisted disgusting pieces of shit who are gutted that they are close to retirement, only because they have wasted their meaningless disgusting obese lives working for the Home Office and are tied to the pension because they’re worthless scum. Time to leave I think.
 

Guns

ADC
Moderator
Book Reviewer
There is a whole other thread in the making here:

“Lies you’ve told to women to make them **** off.”

I had a Thai hooker fall in love with me on deployment. She rocked up to the ship with a bag full of gifts for me and a meal she’d made.

Thankfully the lad on the gangway was on the ball and told her I’d been sent back to the U.K. on a special mission.
Brings back a memory of getting called to the gangway by the QM as OOD. Women there in tears claiming some sailor etc etc.. QM spun the "he's deployed on HMS MASSIVE to Mars" dit. Not having it.

So I have to go through a whole business of flicking through the Ships Log to then declare, "yep, says here he has gone - can't let you see it, Secret see".

As his Divisional Officer and Part of Ship Officer I got a lovely Post-It on my cabin door from him - "Cheers Boss"
 
Do you work for Border Force too? I work with a whole team who are bitter twisted disgusting pieces of shit who are gutted that they are close to retirement, only because they have wasted their meaningless disgusting obese lives working for the Home Office and are tied to the pension because they’re worthless scum. Time to leave I think.
They've got fucking good pensions though, the jammy gits.
 

Guns

ADC
Moderator
Book Reviewer
Once on HMS MASSIVE......

As a Divisional Officer I got to sign off leave passes and other mundane bits of paper for the team. No problems. Except for the Divisional PO who was a cunt of the highest order. Twice he dropped me in the shit with the XO for being asleep in the FX locker after a heavy night out. Twat.

So he comes to see me about getting a swap draft to a DSC PFK GQ T42 going on a nice deployment. Fuck that the little shit can whistle. So made a few phone calls and eventually got him a Pompy swap draft (he was Pompy based but Guz ship). He was not too happy when I informed him that he was now joining HMS Leeds Castle. It was technically a Pompy ship but full time Falklands Guardship. Oh how we laughed.
 
As a Divisional Officer I got to sign off leave passes and other mundane bits of paper for the team. No problems. Except for the Divisional PO who was a **** of the highest order. Twice he dropped me in the shit with the XO for being asleep in the FX locker after a heavy night out. Twat.
Eh? just to be clear.....
Your OWN DSR dropped his line boss/1RO in the mire?
 

Guns

ADC
Moderator
Book Reviewer
Eh? just to be clear.....
Your OWN DSR dropped his line boss/1RO in the mire?
Yes. He was not well liked by anyone.

I used to give the FX POS time off if they completed the weeks work early. Meant some of the Pompey rates could get home late Thu night. He hated it.
 
Do you work for Border Force too? I work with a whole team who are bitter twisted disgusting pieces of shit who are gutted that they are close to retirement, only because they have wasted their meaningless disgusting obese lives working for the Home Office and are tied to the pension because they’re worthless scum. Time to leave I think.
You don’t rate it then ..
 
Once on HMS MASSIVE......

As a Divisional Officer I got to sign off leave passes and other mundane bits of paper for the team. No problems. Except for the Divisional PO who was a **** of the highest order. Twice he dropped me in the shit with the XO for being asleep in the FX locker after a heavy night out. Twat.

So he comes to see me about getting a swap draft to a DSC PFK GQ T42 going on a nice deployment. **** that the little shit can whistle. So made a few phone calls and eventually got him a Pompy swap draft (he was Pompy based but Guz ship). He was not too happy when I informed him that he was now joining HMS Leeds Castle. It was technically a Pompy ship but full time Falklands Guardship. Oh how we laughed.

Not getting any of your banter, skipper.

Pompy, Guz and Massive are all Pokemon, right?
 
Top