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Top Farts

I remember a while ago there was a 'Best Poos' thread of all the best logs that have been laid by the members of this forum over the last many decades.

And as something has well and truly died in my arse, probably related to the not-brilliant Sausage Colcannon & many pints of guinness I drank earlier and I sit here struggling to breathe even amongst my own-brand scented fragrance, I thought I should ask what everybody else's most memorable farts have been.

I'm sure some interesting stories can be told here. Whether they trumped the rest for their smell, their volume, or simply their tip top deployment in the right time and place, I need a little chuckle and this oughta do it.

Crack on.
I was on a high fibre diet at the time.

Stood at the noticeboard I blew a hot one, then pushed open the rest room door, down the steps and made a serious note on my bugle.

seconds later the lovely Anne pushed the door open obviously in some distress , stepped in and then cried out 'Dear God'

as though having an orgasm, when the secondary got her.

as ex-WRAC you would have thought she was made of sterner stuff.
I make a smell in a mcd's loo a while ago on a pit stop for some long ass drive. As in washing my hands some kid that must have been about 5 walks into the cubical and basically screams "URGH OH MY GOD!"

Made me laugh anyway :D
Waking up after a heavy night of savoury food and copious quantitiies of booze.

Twelve second long fart.

Dog leaves the room distressed.

Enough said!
I was only telling someone about this the other day. A day on the Cafferys and a multipack of monster munch watching TV. I dropped an almighty pant rant into the now spent multipack bag and added a coupla twists to keep it in. Walked out into the coridoor to find a victim. Almost at once a bloke came out of the ablutions in towel and flip flops. The shock of not expecting seeing me in the doorway and the almost instant bagpiping of the multipack into his mush sent him flailing. Soz Bradders.
Top bombing!!!
Well over 30 years ago,taking bus into old pierhead terminus,Liverpool,stopped at lights before I swing in ,side of Liver Buildings,quick look in mirrors,nobody left on bus,stand up and let real ripsnorter out,pull onto stop,lovely girl emerges from seat hidden behind stairs and daintily steps off.Could happen to anyone.
Waking up after a heavy night of savoury food and copious quantitiies of booze.

Twelve second long fart.

Dog leaves the room distressed.

Enough said![/

Please tell us it was because of the fart!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I'll come clean on that bit....

Although as a genuine Fart Master I truely fart loud and proud and make all other contenders feel like they fart like little girls. No exceptions; none can compare, none can compete. Yet I confess I robbed that bit about the dog from another tale.

Ages ago, I chanced upon "A man's perfect day", which started off with:
1- Wake up in the morning - blowjob.
2- Twelve second fart - dog leaves the room.
3- Steak for breakfast.
4- etc
It went on till bedtime - and beyond.

Perhaps someone with a sense of humnour might start a thread on ARRSE about a man's perfect day, maybe. Maybe if there's around who thinks they could be funny enough?
Recovering from hepatitis and with resulting bad guts, I was troubled by wind, and had just tried a new preparation called 'wind-eze'. I had popped out a few silent and non-stinky ones, got some relief and was feeling cocky enough to take a few more of the little capsules. Half an hour later, asked by Missus to run her and her visiting Mum to the local tea shop. Sat at the table in this nice little establishment, felt a little one and confidently released it, only to have it blow like Moby Dick. It felt like it went on for about a minute and a half, with a sort of repeated gulping sound and loud hissing, I suppose in reality it was about ten seconds. I suppose the closest sound was a Great Dane being copiously sick.

I was just thanking the arse-gods that it was scentless, when one tiny little 'p arp'popped out, and the place filled with a stink worse than a dead badger in August.
On one particularily long and hot exercise back in Germany, you know the sort where you hold the log in for as long as you dare baking it to the extreme
The time had come the turtle was poking so I decided to fimd somewhere and pleasant as possible in the wood we were in

The German forestry workers had recetly chopped a few trees down and placed them convinienty for me to park the arse

After much straining and popping blood vessels the previous weeks compo started to emerge...and along came 500 dirty rotten fly's !
I could feel them treading the streets and pavements and picking the choicest cuts before it had even left the oven
A truly horrific experience only to get worse as I stood up only to find the sticky tree sap holding me down !

Can it get worse?...you bet

The Germans love a bimble through the woods on a Sunday afternoon and how they must wondered what the f&&k was going on seeing this dirty bedraggled thing stuck to the top of a pile of logs surrounded by a huge swarm of meat flys and a pile of rotting compo steaming on the deck
Guten tag, I said as they coughed and spluttered past me, dipping my hands in my NBC suit pocket only to find a few sheets of tracing paper bog roll...happy days

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