Top Best Mans Speeches

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by walting_matilda, Oct 17, 2008.

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  1. Hiya,

    I went to a wedding the other week and am the best man in 30 days (shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit). Any advice or previous experience would be great.

  2. Yup......don't let the truth get in the way of a good story :)
  3. make it funny but dont make him out to be a complete mong/cnut/etc etc as A. he will hate you forever, B. you will more than likely get a good kicking.
  4. Funnily enough, I'm in the same situation. Anyone got any good opening lines?
  5. just make up a huge story that is completely fake that will make everyone laugh, but wont be bad against thte groom. then at the end of the story tell everyone that you were only kidding about the story and that you are really proud.............blah blah blah you get the picture. That will succeed in killing time, making people laugh and having your mate grateful for saying nice things about him. Win Win
  6. I'd like to thank everyone for coming.....especially the bride :)
  7. I've done it,

    I kicked off by reassuring him there wouldn't be a stitch up but, cryptically listed all the outrageous tales I wasn't going to mention (In punchy oneliners) then cracked on, while not really stitching groom up there were a shit loads of "In jokes" his less salubrious mates were in on and inevietably led to granny smith asking what the " lost fake fingernail tale" or the "30 mile fight" were

    top tip, don;t get shedded straight away
  8. I heard one two weeks ago which included, "As some of you you may know I'm a Rangers lunatic. The wife said to me, "I think you love Rangers more than you love me". I told her, "Darling, I love Celtic more than I love you". Everyone wets themselves, but not the wife. Can he think on his feet and change the next bit - no. He then gives us, "But seriously, the best bit of advice I can give the happy couple is, never go to bed on an argument. No, do what me and the wife do, stay up all night and fight". He then praised the groom to the heavens, giving it, "In twenty years I can't think of a single occasion when we've had a cross word. In fact, now that I come to explain it to you lot, I'm beginning to think we'd both have been a lot happier if we'd just slipped away and formed a nice civil partnership".

    Funny, but it split the audience.
  9. How about this - "{Groom's name} and I have been through many good times over the years. Fortunately, none of them are here in this room today."
  10. Problem with being Best man at a wedding - is that you don't get the chance to prove it.
  11. Ladies and Gentlemen,

    I would now like to make a short speech about sex................

    It gives me great pleasure.

  12. Whatever you do, do not take the piss out of the bride.It doesn't matter if you've got the story about the time she eloped to Vegas with her transexual gym teacher only to be dumped for an eskimo yoga instructor, no woman on earth will stand for being embarrassed on her wedding day.

    Check out the guest list in advance, so you'll have an idea of the crowd you're facing. if you've got more than a dozen little old ladies in the crowd you'd best leave out any references to bestiality, coprophilia, skiffing, or midget cheerleader porn.

    Thank everyone for coming, make special mention to the incredibly beautiful bridesmaids (mainly so you can hook up with the ones who's own loneliness is now being emphasized by their friends marriage), and don't talk for such a long time that people start to sober up.

    Aw hell, this is the naafi: Stand up with your cock in your hand, proceed to use it as a ventriloquists dummy, including kissing the brides mother on the lips with it.
    Grade the bridsesmaids on a scale of 1-10 on their apparent shaggability, desperation and whether they are wearing any underwear.
    Tell about the time the groom got caught in Thailand with a ladyboy, and then went back fro more the next night.
    Tell about the time he called you at 3am to help him get rid of the dead hooker stuck headfirst in his toilet. Take bets on how long the marriage will last.
    Throw up on the bride, body slam the cake, headbutt the father of the bride - it'll be a wedding to remember I swear.
  13. Just stand there expectantly having pinged a wine glass with your fork, having your co'ck hanging out of your trousers adds to the dramatic effect. Then when silence finally ensues just chunder stale half digested ale and kebab meat all over the cake, the bride and her mother. Mutter !I think I've shi't myself" then drop your keks as if to investigate, then sit down hard on the table so that top table guests get the freckles.

    Job done with only five words and the best of it is, you'll never be put in the same predicament again by that particular circle of friends!
  14. Always best to start with a loud "Right you cnuts listen in"