Top 15 Viz Readers Letters

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by cpunk, Sep 18, 2005.

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  1. cpunk

    cpunk LE Moderator

    1. Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
    patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric
    Abu Hamsa? Les Barnsley, Barnsley


    2. "One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in
    Tanzania" says Oxfam. So how come Northern Water charges me twenty
    pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b@st@rds!!!
    Tracey Cusick, Cumbria


    3. How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'F' word on his multi-million
    selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
    football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
    for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford


    4. So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening"
    do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.
    Tim


    5. They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The
    last edition of "High School ****" that I bought featured a young lady
    stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned
    out to be an excellent indication of the contents. Mark Roberts


    6. According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me
    stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of
    massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent
    vegetable for the past 12 years. A Thorne, Sandbach


    7. It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. "Absence makes
    the heart grow fonder", said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the
    way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond
    of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room
    carpet this morning. Christopher Hampshire, Bristol


    8. The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting
    questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official
    tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final
    score place our national champ in the world league table of serial
    killers? Magnus, Sheffield


    9. The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
    Britain, a third of who do not even know that they have it. Is it just
    me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
    poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail


    10. Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.
    What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
    about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
    Mike Woods, e-mail


    11. With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
    soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a
    couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly enough
    the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, e-mail


    12. It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film,
    but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her tits went "off"?
    Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast


    13. I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia
    with Jenny. She is a great shag. Thanks again. Baz, Bondi


    14. Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection
    with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo
    Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account
    their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond



    15. Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
    Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing
    into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some
    faster cars.
     
  2. "One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in
    Tanzania" says Oxfam. So how come Northern Water charges me twenty
    pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b@st@rds!!!

    :D :D :D
     
  3. 11. With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
    soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a
    couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the t**t quickly enough
    the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, e-mail
    Fcukin Priceless that one!! cpunk!
     
  4. 3. How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'F' word on his multi-million
    selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
    football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
    for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford




    I'm bloody positive that that originally said the 'N' word when it originally did the rounds - ?????
     
  5. I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
    Alan Thakray, Bognor Regis

    :D :D
     
  6. I'm fed up with finding my e-mail inbox stuffed full of adverts for penis enlarging pills. In the interests of sexual equality, isn't it about time that they started bombarding women's computers with adverts for fanny tightening tablets?

    Neil, Scotland

    :D :D
     
  7. May I add some examples of top tips at this juncture:

    Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
    Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

    Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

    MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

    Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

    Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

    Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

    X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

    Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

    Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

    Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

    Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

    Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

    Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

    Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

    When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

    Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

    Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

    A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

    Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

    Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

    An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick

    Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

    Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

    Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

    Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

    Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

    Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

    Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

    Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

    Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

    Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

    Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.

    Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.

    HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT ******* one.

    FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

    DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

    BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

    SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

    AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

    HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

    DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

    OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

    WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

    A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

    BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

    SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

    LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

    WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.

    AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

    SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

    TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the f*ck you're going.

    PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.

    OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

    INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.



    And my personal favourite:

    Lady Drivers. Always keep a dustpan and brush in the boot of your car for those 'little accidents'.
     
  8. From memory, don't think this is word for word...

    "Congratulations to Ocean Finance. I didn't think they'd find an uglier set of losers than the people in the last advert for their new one, but they did. Well done!"

    How true, I do love those ads!
     
  9. I came home from work the other day, to see my wife tipping a pan of steaming minestrone over her head.
    'I'm just putting the dinner on dear' she quipped.
    Oh how we laughed on the way to the burns unit!
     
  10. RTFQ

    RTFQ RIP

    SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.
     
  11. One for the manufacturers methinks - money to be made on that feature
     
  12. I remember this from a few years ago.
    Should Smantha Mumba come round my house while the missus is out and fancy a bit i will do her in this order. Arrse, Gob, Arrse. If she should want any more i'll do her in the Arrse again.


    Followed the following month by
    Should i come home one day and find my husband is doing Smantha Mumba i'll do him in this order, house Bank account , car. if he sould want any more...............

    you get the picture classic!
     
  13. One of the latest.................................AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.

    Now, I seem to remember in Feb 91............but, no - I must be mistaken....... 8O