Tonight I Didn't Cook ...

L

lumpy2

Guest
#1
As a bit of an antidote to those culinary wizards posting pictures of their perfect soufflés, sumptuous stews (and strange pics by Anonymous Yank), I'd like to hear what's the best free scoff you've managed to liberate from someone else's beanfeast.

Tonight, after a meagre and crappy tea, the old man persuaded me to go to the local for a pint. Imagine my delight when I saw plattters of sandwiches and other stuff laid out, largely untouched. Turns out it was a party of largely Irish clientele, so obviously the drinking took precedence.

I managed to blag several platefuls of delightful egg sandwiches, sausage rolls, spicy nibbles &cetera, and on leaving the establishment there were still monumental piles of food just waiting to be consumed, which would probably go in the bin - criminal really.

So, what's the protocol for descending like a vulture on a buffet to which you've not been invited? How long should you wait until no-one gives a fuck any more? And what's your best misappropriation of someone else's food?
 
#6
Read obituaries in local paper.
Note time of funerals.
"After the service the family of the departed invite all to a light buffet where memories of XXXXX can be shared."
Coincide with lunch?
Put on sad face.
Sorted.
 
#7
Extra burger in Burger King, usually the other way around.

They do a thing around our way called Food Bank where all the restaurant and hotels give up food, not leftovers more produce that is at the end of its life, and the Food Bank cooks turn it into decent free food for the homeless, although not one to take from the needy and pretend to be homeless, they do a free event (well fundraiser) where you donate a gold coin for a plate and eat as much as you want. I still have heaps of coins from Turkey from the 90's...
 
#9
Read obituaries in local paper.
Note time of funerals.
"After the service the family of the departed invite all to a light buffet where memories of XXXXX can be shared."
Coincide with lunch?
Put on sad face.
Sorted.
And as a bit of a bonus I have noticed that tartinis very often wear black stockings to funerals......

I digress and so will digress a bit more....

Today I felt a bit peckish at lunchtime and sent out to the local tiny Cantonese restaurant for a nosh of sauteed lamb with spring onions and bacon fried rice. Now, lamb is well known for its fart inducing properties, but include with the lamb a large amount (about 150 grams) of al-dente fried spring onions and you have a recipe for some very satisfying anally emitted stenches.

So I didn't cook, but I did clear the communal seating area in the hotel, twice.

I then went up to the 25th floor in one lift, filling it with a fine aroma redolent (see what I did there @HE117 ) of the junction where the A3 meets the M25 and which has a sewage farm just off the motorway. And I then came back down to reception in the other lift filling that with the malodourous emissions of a lamb and onion filled rumbling digestive tract.

I am now about to go and contaminate the coffee bar.

Life is such fun.
 
#10
we have the 'Balloon Chasers' over here- mainly seem to be German. they will coast past bars on their motorbikes waiting for the free food to appear, come in, buy a bottle of water, stuff their faces and move on. I'm sure they have a Facebook page.
 
#11
Further to my last post, I have now trashed the two phone cubicles in the foyer and the mini laundrette. The latter was very satisfying indeed since it is quite warm in there and the farts seem to take on an additional, almost tangible character.

Aha a venerable Chinese lady just went into the launderette and came out with a greenish tinge to her face. Be pleased to inform her majesty that maximum disruption is being caused in the former colony.
 
#12
After a recent funeral service and cremation,we went to a pub near the crem in Cardiff.
Chef had nearly mastered the deep fat fryer,and had experimented with all the heat settings and the full range of timing options.So drum sticks burnt on the outside raw in the middle,black samosas,still frozen mini chicken kievs one bag of Bovril crisps on a plate the size of landrover tyre etc etc
I actually refused to eat any of it.
 
#13
Way too much to list but 98 cans of pop several kilos of cheese and more fruit and veg than farmer Giles could grow on an acre of prime land :D
 
#14
Working in the US as ground crew back in the days when BA was BOAC and first class food was served on proper plates with metal cutlery, my father used to regularly "liberate" food from the aircraft that was destined for the US Customs disposal unit. Steaks, chicken, salmon, gateaux and assorted cakes and fancies, our fridge was rarely empty.
 

Gout Man

LE
Book Reviewer
#15
I can't abide waste so I think that was a damn good move by the OP.

Last night I got the mrs to make some ratatouille I had that with some nice pink lamb steaks and new potatoes.
Nice it was having a night off from kitchen duties.
 
#16
Way too much to list but 98 cans of pop several kilos of cheese and more fruit and veg than farmer Giles could grow on an acre of prime land :D
In one sitting. Fat bastard.
 

Ciggie

On ROPS
On ROPs
#17
A backwards one...several years ago, the ex´s firm were having their annual bash at Xmas, usually a good freebie, so I deliberately didn´t eat a thing all day to make room for the anticipated troughsnork. Oh dear. I was a tiny bit worried that the venue had changed from the previous year to the ( imagined) swankiest hotel in town.... Horror upon horror ensued. Table numbers were fucked up, delays in serving were extreme and eventually what arrived on a plate, cold, barely fitted the definition ´food´. I just got pissed instead, and on an empty stomach that didn´t take long.
 
#18
A backwards one...several years ago, the ex´s firm were having their annual bash at Xmas, usually a good freebie, so I deliberately didn´t eat a thing all day to make room for the anticipated troughsnork. Oh dear. I was a tiny bit worried that the venue had changed from the previous year to the ( imagined) swankiest hotel in town.... Horror upon horror ensued. Table numbers were fucked up, delays in serving were extreme and eventually what arrived on a plate, cold, barely fitted the definition ´food´. I just got pissed instead, and on an empty stomach that didn´t take long.
I had something similar at one of the missus work xmas parties. Food took fucking forever and when it finally turned up it was shit. To top it off there was no fucking booze either.
 
L

lumpy2

Guest
#19
A backwards one...several years ago, the ex´s firm were having their annual bash at Xmas, usually a good freebie, so I deliberately didn´t eat a thing all day to make room for the anticipated troughsnork. Oh dear. I was a tiny bit worried that the venue had changed from the previous year to the ( imagined) swankiest hotel in town.... Horror upon horror ensued. Table numbers were fucked up, delays in serving were extreme and eventually what arrived on a plate, cold, barely fitted the definition ´food´. I just got pissed instead, and on an empty stomach that didn´t take long.
I had something similar at one of the missus work xmas parties. Food took fucking forever and when it finally turned up it was shit. To top it off there was no fucking booze either.

I feel your pain. :(
 

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