Tommy Cooper classics...

#1
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's permanent."
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
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I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
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Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?"
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?"
I said "No, just a watch."
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I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle?"
The bloke said "Kenwood." I said, "Where is he, then?"
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
He's bisatchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
It's P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue'.
I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on, and on, and on...
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The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?"
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "I know, this is for the custard."
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a long, thin piece of paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I can't promise anything."
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
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This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says "Audi!"
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first."
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo."
He said "You're closest."
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off the road and into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened.
I said "I careered off the road."
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket the other day, while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar."
I said "Well, I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin."
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
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I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Well, can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."
 
#3
As much as I love Tommy Cooper, you gotta doff your cap to Chic Murray too


"This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. I asked him once what his ambition was and he replied it was to have an ambition. In the end tragedy struck - as he lay on his death bed he confessed to three murders. Then he got better"

"My father was an Aberdonian and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to my father, he sold it to me on his death bed.……...so I wrote him a cheque".

"So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked 'What's the matter? Did you fall over?' So I said 'No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
 
#4
#5
Chic Murray:

"I knocked and a man opened the door in his pyjamas. I thought, "That's a funny place to have a door.""

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

"I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns."

Tommy Cooper - loved his cars in The Italian Job.
 
#6
Tommy:

"I went to my Doctor and said my back hurts in various places. He said don't go to those places"

"I went to my Doctor and told him i've got a sore throat. He had a look inside and said "Mmm, a little raw", so i went "rrrrrrrrooarrrrr"

"Man walks into a bar wearing a hospital gown pushing a drip connected to him on wheels. He gets up to the bar and orders 5 double whiskies. The bar man gives them to him and he downs them one after the other. When finished, he says "That was fantastic, but i shouldn't have drunk them with what i've got". "What have you got?" said the barman. "50 pence" said the man.
 
#8
Tommy was known to be tight as a sharks arrse at forty fathoms and the story goes that when he got taxi's he would have some banter with the driver,get out of the cab pay him then say" have a drink on me" and slip something in the drivers top pocket .driver would move off check his pocket and pull out a tea-bag :lol:
 
#9
Tommy: I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.

I put a skylight in our bedroom yesterday - The people living upstairs are furious
 
#10
Tommy:

I was walking down the street pulling this bit of string.

Somebody says "Tom! Why are you pulling that bit of String?"

I says I dunno. Have you tried pushing one?
 
#11
Tommy - "It's strange isn't it - if you stand in the middle of a library and go 'ARRRGGGHHHH!!!' - everyone looks at you and goes 'SHHH!' - do it on an aeroplane and everyone joins in..."
 
#14
I went to the Doc and said, "My arm hurts when I do this"

The Doc told me not to do it.
 
#15
Been on a whisky diet....lost three days last week!!!!
 
#16
I was getting into my car the other day when a man approached.

He said "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "You look great - The worlds your oyster - Go for it!"


:D :D :D
 
#18
I took the pad brat to the Millenium Dome and we saw the Body. When you got up into the skull area, there was an auditorium with a load of small brains laughing at a larger brain wearing a Fez and jiggling as Tommy Cooper's voice told continuous jokes one after the other - it was brilliant!
 
#20
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".


I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?

But I think its Colin.
 

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