Toilets and Traffic

N

NurseyMai

Guest
#1
It wouldn’t be a bank holiday weekend without the inevitable mass exodus cluttering the roads, and today I lost 2 hours of my life while sitting on the M25. It’s the law of the sod that as soon as I hit traffic longer than a mile in length, the need to pee appears. A quick scan of the surrounding area doesn’t look promising…concrete walls, 8 foot chain link fences followed by either bare banks or the skinniest trees imaginable. Given that everyone passing/stationary by the road would have a camera to hand, and I didn’t fancy making my youtube debut falling off the top of the fence, attention went to passing the time. I used the following techniques:

  1. Playing with mobile phone to irritate family & friends.
  2. Trying to change the clock in the car – failing – what’s wrong with the old type where you just push the button and the hands spin round? Still, at least it’s right half the year.
  3. Observing bored looking drivers/passengers.
  4. Trying to lip read the dispute going on in the car behind.
  5. Singing – which is fine when done driving along as people only get a quick look, but this isn’t the case when sitting still belting out ‘Like a Virgin’…
  6. Dancing – as above, but more pointing & laughing.
  7. Writing a mental letter to Mr Cameron and Mr McLoughlin requesting that all major motorway incidents include the delivery of portaloos at points along the queue.
  8. Thinking up inventive ways to kill the utter cunts that think putting on hazard lights makes it acceptable for them to use the hard shoulder while everyone else waits.

Finally made it through to the services…then got lost in the HGV area…then missed the junction coming off the M25…I think someone should take the keys away.

So over to you lot – any stories of traffic, travel and toilets (all or one of them – I’m easy) from this weekend or anytime in the past, and how you passed the time!
 
#5
Bit of a poor first post but we used to keep a shit/piss bucket in the back of the works van.

We did a contract in central london a couple of years back and the M1 had a contra flow coming out of the smoke, so the bucket did come in handy more than once.
 
#7
Women are alright. Very few of the cock hunters on ARRSE count as women in the traditional sense. When they're sockpuppets then it gets even worse - I imagine NurseyMai is some sort of fat ugly harridan desperately trying to get some affection on here when she should be wondering where her kids are.
I imagine zero-over as a small, pigeon chested man with sparse pubic hair and a smell of desperation about him although most would just think it was someone using a tin of Lynx to hide the smell of unwashed underpants.
 
#8
I imagine zero-over as a small, pigeon chested man with sparse pubic hair and a smell of desperation about him although most would just think it was someone using a tin of Lynx to hide the smell of unwashed underpants.



Sheer poetry........ your family doesn't originally hail from Stratford on Avon?
 
#10
Bit of a poor first post but we used to keep a shit/piss bucket in the back of the works van.

We did a contract in central london a couple of years back and the M1 had a contra flow coming out of the smoke, so the bucket did come in handy more than once.

A colleague of mine dealt with one of these a month or so ago. He stopped with a Transit on hard shoulder of the M27 and called in that there was "a gentleman in the rear of the vehicle defecating in a bucket"

Was it you?
 
#11
I tend to just piss in a bottle and hoy it out the window at any cunt that pisses me off :)
Car or bedroom window?
 
#13
Both given the opportunity :)
I did wonder if the postie got a hat-full when he delivered too many bills...or the milkman when he mistakenly dares to leave red top?
 
#14
Milkman? Do they still exist, or have they gone the way of CRT TVs, videotape recorders and audio cassettes?
They do indeed still exist. I am guilty of going to the supermarket for milk instead of supporting this dying breed, but I know some of my neighbours still get their milk delivered (he usually delivers about 5 minutes after my alarm has gone off and the clink of the bottles gets me moving).
 
#16
They do indeed still exist. I am guilty of going to the supermarket for milk instead of supporting this dying breed, but I know some of my neighbours still get their milk delivered (he usually delivers about 5 minutes after my alarm has gone off and the clink of the bottles gets me moving).


I prefer to get up for a poo..........
 
L

lumpy2

Guest
#17
Guilty my arse. Milkmen have a business model that went out the window in the 1950s, as soon as owning a car became commonplace and self-service supermarkets existed.

I'm surprised they don't give out Green Shield stamps and sell Luncheon Vouchers.
I'm with GM on this one. We actually do have our milk delivered. Apart from supporting a local small business, they're much better environmentally as they obviously use glass bottles which are recycled instead of using all that plastic shit. Plus they know their customers and keep an eye out for anything wrong, especially with their elderly customers.

Back on thread, I can honestly say I've never pissed in a car but I have been tempted to moon :)
 
#18
Show me a squaddie who hasn't had a piss out of the back of a Robert Redford and I'll show you a homo stab-type.

A rite of passage, you knew when you had made it to the lofty heights of being in the front of the wagon, you could piss in the washer bottle.

Once had a s-hite in the back of a 4tonner, into an old Menu B box, then posted it out onto the M3 - why? because I could.

I did get out once in a massive traffic jam on the M6 (near the RAC Call Centre) to have a piss against the wheel. Fucking traffic decided to move for the first time in two hours, and my oppo decided it would be a hoot to pull the wagon forward. After trying to sidestep and piss at the same time for ten yards, I just gave up and slashed onto the hard shoulder whilst a couple of fitties in a Ford Fiesta parped their horn and made vulgar suggestions to me.
 
K

Kirkz

Guest
#19
I get my milk delivered and the milkman is a top bloke.
And as Lumpy says he keeps his eye on the oldies and for anything untoward going on.
 
#20
Notice seen at a Roadstop Cafe bogs....
 

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