Today's top tip.........

#1
When friends come around for Christmas Lunch,as they will be away on the 25th,please check that the christmas pudding you dish up does not contain beef suet.
Otherwise their 17 year old daughter (who became a vegetarian two months ago) is likely to projectile vomit across the dining room floor.

Yo ho fucking ho.
 
#4
If you decide on a change from turkey and go for pheasant, run a metal detector over it first.

Picture the scene, 2 kids, me, my first wife, all in paper hats at Christmas lunch.

Wife gets first slice, takes a tentative bite......"UUUUUURGH, whats this?"

She spits out a small lead pellet.

I say, "That's the bullet to killed him, my precious....."

She pushes the meat to one side, "I'll just have potatoes and gravy."





Back to soddin' turkey after that....
 
#5
If you decide on a change from turkey and go for pheasant, run a metal detector over it first.

Picture the scene, 2 kids, me, my first wife, all in paper hats at Christmas lunch.

Wife gets first slice, takes a tentative bite......"UUUUUURGH, whats this?"

She spits out a small lead pellet.

I say, "That's the bullet to killed him, my precious....."

She pushes the meat to one side, "I'll just have potatoes and gravy."





Back to soddin' turkey after that....
Reminds me of my Grandma saying"if does'nt stick in your throat,it won't stick in your arse". :)
 
#6
Reminds me of my Grandma saying"if does'nt stick in your throat,it won't stick in your arse". :)
Your Grandma was "game" too, eh?



Yep, that's my taxi, thanks...
 
#7
When friends come around for Christmas Lunch,as they will be away on the 25th,please check that the christmas pudding you dish up does not contain beef suet.
Otherwise their 17 year old daughter (who became a vegetarian two months ago) is likely to projectile vomit across the dining room floor.

Yo ho fucking ho.
You should have given the stroppy little cow the cardboard box it came in and told her to eat that instead.
 
#8
If you decide on a change from turkey and go for pheasant, run a metal detector over it first.

Picture the scene, 2 kids, me, my first wife, all in paper hats at Christmas lunch.

Wife gets first slice, takes a tentative bite......"UUUUUURGH, whats this?"

She spits out a small lead pellet.

I say, "That's the bullet to killed him, my precious....."

She pushes the meat to one side, "I'll just have potatoes and gravy."
Similar happened to me a few years back. Cooked Christmas lunch (brace of pheasants) for the ex - don't ask - and the sprogs. Sprogs filled up on the starters, the ex and I ate pheasant. She and I spent the next two days sick as dogs, the sprogs were fine.
 
#10
When the family member who drinks all your good spirits like Whisky arrives,make sure you have a couple of good brands of Whisky refilled with cheap supermarket brands for him to sup on,chances are the old fucker'll be to pissed to tell the difference!
 
#11
Reminds me of my Grandma saying"if does'nt stick in your throat,it won't stick in your arse". /images/smilies/icon_smile.gif
Yes, I'm sure she did.
 
#13
When friends come around for Christmas Lunch,as they will be away on the 25th,please check that the christmas pudding you dish up does not contain beef suet.
Otherwise their 17 year old daughter (who became a vegetarian two months ago) is likely to projectile vomit across the dining room floor.

Yo ho fucking ho.
Was she fit looking? :?

CPT Jean-Luc Picard.jpg
 
#15
When friends come around for Christmas Lunch,as they will be away on the 25th,please check that the christmas pudding you dish up does not contain beef suet.
Otherwise their 17 year old daughter (who became a vegetarian two months ago) is likely to projectile vomit across the dining room floor.

Yo ho fucking ho.
Did she perchance projectile a tampon at you?

Like Xmas paintballing in a way..
 
#16
When the family member who drinks all your good spirits like Whisky arrives,make sure you have a couple of good brands of Whisky refilled with cheap supermarket brands for him to sup on,chances are the old fucker'll be to pissed to tell the difference!
Whilst not being a regular imbiber of whisky, I'm told that if you decant a cheap scotch and add a teaspoon of sherry it will taste smoother. Fuck knows if it works.
 
#20
Whilst not being a regular imbiber of whisky, I'm told that if you decant a cheap scotch and add a teaspoon of sherry it will taste smoother. Fuck knows if it works.
if I had known that, I could have tried it on the bottle of talisker I've just poured away.

horrible stuff. I even tried mixing it with ginger but still wouldn't go down.

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