Toast to the ladies

Hi all, I’m after a bit of help please, organising a mess dinner night and I’m after a speech for the “toast to the ladies” and “toast to the men”. Would like there to be a bit of humour in it, not the standard boring ones. Can someone recommend a good website or even a speech please?

Thank you all in advance
 

FORMER_FYRDMAN

LE
Book Reviewer
Hi all, I’m after a bit of help please, organising a mess dinner night and I’m after a speech for the “toast to the ladies” and “toast to the men”. Would like there to be a bit of humour in it, not the standard boring ones. Can someone recommend a good website or even a speech please?

Thank you all in advance

Why don't you borrow a speech from the President's Club which, according to the papers is: "Drink this, take your knickers off and dance on the table."

Brief and memorable
 
“Gentleman please be upstanding for the split arses”
 

The_Snail

ADC
RIP
The LADIES Toast! Speech Jokes etc - Off Topic - Talk Stuff

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; Half discovered, half wild, with bushland around the fertile deltas

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America: Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France: Gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain: With a glorious and distinguished history

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia: Half destroyed during the war, and in need of major renovation

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia: Very wide, with a frigid climate that keeps visitors away

After 70, she becomes Tibet: Only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge are interested in visiting there.

After 80 she becomes like Afghanistan, everybody knows where it is but no one wants to go there.
 
I’m confused sluggy, you’re not 80.
 

The_Snail

ADC
RIP

MoleBath

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Have a look at some advice for Burnns night and the toast to the lassies. The key is to get a good responder from the fair sex , give her advance warning of the task
 
What about a toast to the non binary, gender queer LGBT£@XYZ community you sexist pig dog!!!!!
 

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