To Hell and Back

So, there I was, safely ensconced in my alcove doing ' important stuff' when my trusty canine companion alerted me to the presence of another at the door. Since he didn't bark and race to the portal, I knew that it was ' friend' not ' foe '. Almost immediately I heard the familiar tones of my dear spouse. " honey, are you busy? " The hairs at the back of my neck immediately stood up. This was not the voice of a woman saying " honey, I'm home early and itching for some rumpy pumpy. " no, this was the voice that was intoning "Honey, I have some crappy experience I want you be a part of." I replied in as authoritative voice as possible. " Busy saving the known universe, dear, can't stop to help now., " " You're surfing that arrse chat thingy aren't you? " and thus I was dragged kicking and screaming to enjoy a tender moment of togetherness....Shopping.

seems the dear wanted to pick up something for the house. My 15 year old brain thought " yes!" a wide screen plasma TV , a sensurround sound system with vibrochairs....but, no...

we entered the Megamart and stopped before a wall of thingies.. Bed-in-a-Bag. WTF?? they looked like standard issue camp cots tricked out with flowered covers and shoved in a nylon drawstring duffle...Could have got one a tenth of the price at any surplus store...but...
The wifey holds one up. " Do you like this one? "
Eager to get this over with, I reply " Sure! "
" Well, I don't " then why the hell show it to me and ask me for an opinion?
She picks up a second. " How about this one?" I hesitated a little too long . " Um.. no, can't stand it. " [ it was the same as the last for crissakes! In fact the whole shelf is stacked with the same damn make and model! ]. " Well, I like it. "
She moves on to a third, and my reptilian proto-brain kicks in with a fight or flight reflex.. I've already used up both responses.. anything I say next will be guaranteed to be 50% wrong. nowhere to run, can't strike out... " What about this one? " I stammer.. " Well, what do you think? " " I think it's fine. " whew.. dodged a bullet. Then she does something that is beyond belief. She opens the package and starts pulling bits out and replacing them with bits from other kits.. I mean.. other than the pattern they're all the friggin' same!!..but, no..she's got to mix and match...gawddamn.. Isn't there a law against this? aren't we being watched on closed circuit? where's the mall security?

Satisfied with her efforts we head off to the check out.. then, she blows me away.. she looks straight at the cashier and says. " the package was open, is there a discount? " W.T.F. ?.. and, you know what? they knock $ 10 bucks off the price.. Feck me.. never mind collapsing beds, I want to try this at the car dealership!!

Women and shopping.. might as well be in an alternate universe.

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