Tips to Avoid being Date Raped by Mark Yates

#2
Daily Telegraph said:
Mr Yates is a colourful figure even among fellow bodyguards. He trained with the International Bodyguard Association in Helsinki in the mid-1980s. Subsequently, he claims to have provided training for international law enforcement agencies including the KGB and its successor the CIS.

Unusually for someone in his trade, he enjoys the limelight. His company literature includes character references from former clients.

He has also given a number of television interviews in the past which have detailed his exploits in the former Soviet Union. In 1996 the men's magazine FHM ran a profile of him, headlined "Mafia buster".

Friends say that he likes to regard himself as the ultimate professional and that once he had badges made carrying that inscription.
My bold

Not that unusual it would seem. Yates shares a few characteristics with the IBA supremo.
 
#7
How to write books with punctuation by Mark Yates?

How to avoid being bored to death by Mark Yates?

How to avoid a gay spit roast by Mark Yates and Jim Shortt?
 
#8
I am saying sorry in advance for this one team

I heard that he got very annoyed with his secretary after reading this thread. Why had she not corrected his punctuation ? But she was equal to his blame shifting ire.

Quick as a flash she replied

"In a commercial sense Mr Yates you appear to be in a comma cob"

I'll get me coat
 
#10
Yokel said:
How to write books with punctuation by Mark Yates?

How to avoid being bored to death by Mark Yates?

How to avoid a gay spit roast by Mark Yates and Jim Shortt?
Ten bottom tips to gay loving by ..... ?
 
#12
Gawd what a bone thread . I'll liven it up by giving a link to Mark Yates How To Avoid Being Stalked

http://www.articlesbase.com/women's-issues-articles/security-experts-top-10-tips-to-prevent-being-stalked-by-mark-yates-871066.html

I'm not too sure if stalking is " a fashionable crime " though
 
#13
Customers willing to pay up to £1,195 a session can choose from a long list of courses, which include training in SWAT (special weapons and tactics), turban fighting, hand to hand combat and special weapons.

Could this be what the Muslim copper was thinking of ?
 
#14
Doh! 8O I have spent all this time think it was a topic of how to avoid Mark Yates stalking people! :oops:

:wink:
 
#15
Gas Gas Gas said:
Doh! 8O I have spent all this time think it was a topic of how to avoid Mark Yates stalking people! :oops:

:wink:
GGG When you were a nipper did your dad give up on explaining seaside postcards to you ?

"Oh Mrs Smith and how's your little fanny" being an example of the genre.

"Oh Mr Yates have you been maintaining your ancient weapon. How is your little willie".
 
#16
Spanny said:
Gawd what a bone thread . I'll liven it up by giving a link to Mark Yates How To Avoid Being Stalked

http://www.articlesbase.com/women's-issues-articles/security-experts-top-10-tips-to-prevent-being-stalked-by-mark-yates-871066.html

I'm not too sure if stalking is " a fashionable crime " though
Thank you for livening the thread up with a linkie.

Happily I can quote from it and resurrect the bone nature of the thread.

Quote "..... for many years and even had UK TV Company broadcast a 30 minute documentary about my counter stalking threat management unit, the first of its kind in the UK as we provided security for stalking victims."

Mr Yates provides security for people whilst they stalk their victims ?


Quote: "I have also personally been the victim of three separate stalking incidents"

The tautology aside I would not be too confident in the skills of someone wro failed to learn after the first incident. After all would you trust a bodyguard advert which claimed he had been the victiom of murder three times ?

Mt Yates. You were trained by Jimbo. Go and ask for your money back you plonker.
 
#17
Funnily enough, I came across this last night and read it for some tips... y'know, better forewarned of what the enemy tactics are.

Anti Rape tips thread

Anyway, this bit stupefied me:

"8) Scream FIRE! (not help) and RUN! RUN! RUN! whenever possible!
The best case scenario - you run away and get away!

If you're trapped - Fight, scratch, BITE, kick, and never ever give up.
Use anything you can get your hands on to fight.
Throw dirt in their face, urinate and defecate yourself if possible, whatever you can so, and make it count!"

Scream 'fire' and sh1t in your knickers on purpose?

You'd best be an 'un-regular' type of gal to think about doing that type of anti-rape manouvre.

Mind you, I can just picture Jackie saying to Sarah come Sunday morning " Jeez.. I got out the taxi last night outside my flat and some fella jumped out the bushes at me... I sh1t myself... he got one whiff and ran off'
 
#19
JANET AND JOHN STORY would Terry Wogan read it out though ?

Janet and John dressed in their smartest outfits. Today Janet was off to attend a class in how to avoid date rape by Mark Yates.

They reached town and, because they were early, Janet set off to do some shopping.

See Janet with her credit card and big smile.

"John", said Janet, "You wait here by Mr Yates training school and don't be naughty"

Ten minutes later James Shortt arrived. He was wearing tartan trews.

"Why are you wearing Jock pattern trousers ?", asked John.

"Aaargh begorrah and to be sure," said Mr Shortt in his charming Irish brogue, "I am having trouble getting served for a new kilt at the Jock shop. Run by ex squaddies if you catch me drift me old shellalagh. So you could do me a favour and look through this mail order catalogue for me for a kilt for me to order. While you at it I need some new bling. Something jewlry medallions with the Queens head on would be good"

See John sit on Mr Yates school doorstep flicking through Mr Shortt's catalogue.

John hears loud metallic banging noises and opens the door to see what is happening.

He sees Mr Yates with an EZ bar lifting weights.

"Help me with a final forced rep little chap", said Mr Yates.

See John spotting weights.

Mr Yates thanked John and went for a shower before teaching class.

Janet arrived.

"John what are you doing inside the building and what have you been doing"


See John looking offended.

"Janet Mr Shortt came along and told me he is not well served in the kilt department could I look up his kilt for him and check for Crown Jewels. Then I saw Mr Yates and he was straining a bit so I helped him curl one out"
 
#20
http://www.asecurityonestopshop.com...m_medium=articlesite&utm_campaign=articlesite

Born 1957. Bachelors and Masters degrees and a Ph D. Three black belts. Heavyweight boxer. Worked on building sites but says he was undercover spying for IRA assets. He was so icognito in this regard that he was also a TA officer without the IRA spotting that he might just be an HMG asset himself begorrah. Introduced to the world of pro bodyguarding by paying for a James Shortt course. Then off for a spot of Russia Mafia busting.

The FBI have so much confidence in his own pro bodyguarding expertise they provide him 24 hour witness protection without necessitating a change of identity or a cessation to his publishing activity.

I do see signs of a Shortty influence.

But I wonder why he does not see a slight flaw in the account ?

Like others he claims to have been a British secret services asset before enrolling for a James Shortt finishing school class. mmmmm. Isn't it strange how the claims of having been undercover to spy on IRA or Russian Mafia are never followed by any claims to have been undercover to spy on Shortty ?

Having studied at Shortty's scout hut there invariably follows a tiff and it is Shortty Bye Bye by Mark Yates.

Or could it be

"I am off to copy yer scam Shortty bye the bye" by Mark Yates
 

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