TRANSGRESSIONS HAD FABULOUS TITS, SAYS WOODS
TIGER Woods yesterday confirmed there had been transgressions in his marriage, but insisted they all had magnificent charlies.
'And I've won 14 majors'Following frenzied speculation surrounding his 2am car crash, the world's greatest golfer finally released a statement admitting he was no longer tedious.
Woods said: "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart, but my Christ, you should have seen them.
"When transgressions like that bounce playfully across your eyeline it takes super-human strength not to follow them to the bar and say 'Hello, I am Tiger Woods'.
"Those are the five most powerful words in the English language if crazy hotel sex is at the top of your to-do list and unfortunately I have not been true to my values by using them again and again and again. And again."
Meanwhile gap-toothed television viewers across America's Deep South have expressed relief that Woods has finally started acting like a proper black man.
Alabama grits farmer Roy Hobbs said: "I was gittin' real confused and fearful for a times back there. What with his impeccable manners and white man's speakin' voice, I was thinkin' maybes ma TV was on the fritz.
"But then he done wrecks his pimped-up Cadillac, cheats on his little white babymomma and runs away from the po-lice.
"That sumbitch is black and all is right with my world again. Praise Jesus."
It puzzles me why rich and famous men want to get married why tie yourself to one doris when your going to have loads of fit slags throwing themselves at you? Now he has a nice divorce settlement to look forward to mong!