My first day back at work presented an interesting dilemma. Because I attended a football match last night, I consumed a couple of dogburgers on the way home, as well as a few pints of Guinness. Just after lunchtime, that heady combination had worked itâs magic and I had to hotfoot it to the gents toot-sweet. The crappers on our floor have a three trap layout. Traps one and three were being used, leaving me with only the central bunco-booth to go at. As soon as I sat down, I knew it was going to register quite highly on the Beaufort scale. I could feel that there were about 250 cubic feet of fart, waiting cheekily for the first chicken nugget to fall out, so that they could quickly announce their arrival. What to do? It may surprise you, but Iâm a bit coy about sh-itting loudly within earshot of strangers. Should I play the waiting game. The bloke on my left was making no noise at all and was therefore unpredictable. The bloke on the right was reading a paper, the bas-tard. I couldnât wait as my brain was well aware of its surroundings and was already exhorting my ricker, via the central nervous system, to release the hounds. In the end, I just stuck my fingers in my ears and let rip. Like the old Confucian proverb asks, "If a bloke has a really loud sh-it, but puts his fingers in his ears, does it make any noise.â On returning to my desk, I discussed the problem with some work colleagues, and was offered a couple of alternative solutions to employ in the future. One lad suggested open-splay surgery. This involves pulling your cheeks so far apart, that your sphinny simply canât generate any friction or sound. A good possible, but the splashback risks are massive. Another, with a musical bent, has in the past opted for a muffler. Using a big wad of bog roll as an impromptu trumpeters cone, he was able to reduce the noise to a manageable level. I must admit, I quite like the sound of that one. Can you imagine sitting there reading your paper, thinking Louis Armstrongâs doing a secret gig next door? Iâd be interested to know of the methods used by other ARRSE users in surmounting this problem.