Threatening letter

Today I recieved a letter from Kentigern house stating that if I didn't fill in my reservists annual reporting form I could be liable for a fine of upto £1000.

I can't be bothered to put the letter on here but needless to say it gripped my sh1t.

I have penned a response I would like some feedback from fellow Arrser before I put my first wipe across it and send it.

Col * * * ********
TA & Reserves
MCM Division
MP 295
Record of Service wing
******* House
65 *******
G2 8**

12 September 2005

Dear Col ********.

Re: 248****** Mr** * ***

A rather threatening letter arrived on my doorstep this morning indicating that I may be liable for a fine of upto £1000 for allegedly failing to adhere and comply with regulations concerning my annual reporting.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for bringing that to my attention, more importantly may I make you aware that the failing is in your department or the postal service, no letter has ever been received by me.

You can quote all the Reserve Forces Acts that you like, you will be unable to enforce any fine or conviction following the methods you have employed, also you have turned an ex soldier, who misses the comradery and sense of pride in the military into someone who can now remember the reasons he left.


I am aware that the Army is undergoing a rather large recruitment campaign at the minute. May I take this opportunity to offer some advice in ‘Not pissing off the staff’ area as it seems to be lacking in your department.

If you wish to maintain the interest of people with military skills that may be required at some stage I suggest you treat them like adults and not like 16 year olds who can’t think for themselves. Stop threatening legal action when the failing is your own and adopt a different ‘customer service’ approach, besides which in a civilian court of law the case you propose to present hold less water than my rather tired underpants.

If a member of my staff sent out a letter like that, they would be leaving via a window with their P45 welded to their head. If I then found out it was a computer generated letter and standard practise, I would find the man who put it in place and throw the typewriter at him.

Colonel, may I cordially invite you to ‘get a grip’ and urge you to crimp off the fingers of the typists in your offices and treat people in a manner other than ‘dog droppings’ Please also remember that your signature, in your finest crayon has been added.

Should you wish any further advice or assistance in dealing with blood clots and buffoons, do contact me. If I don't answer straight away, please leave a message, and I'll deal with it when I can be bothered.

If you are stuck for a grand let me know, I can offer competitive loans, but for incompetent Rodneys there is a ridiculous admin fee applied, which if not repaid may result in the repossession of properties (which can be enforced, because I'm good and don't make feeble threats)

Yours, dictating from the driving seat of his rather nice XK8

Thoughts please people, I'm going to DHL it to ensure it gets to the man or at least causes max disruption :D

Petty: yep
Deserved: Probably not
Fcuk em


Probably not the best way to speak to your boss unless you genuinely don’t care if he over reacts to it
Outstanding Mate, made I larf

You may also like to add a footnote to the effect that one of the jumped up Colonel colleagues in (APC-Sec,Parl&Discl,Discl2,(Data Protection),ADO1 - also in Kentigern house) took 5 months to get back to me with a data protection act query - current regulations state 20 working days......


If I then found out it was a computer generated LETTER and standard PRACTICE, I would find the man who put it in place and throw the TYPEwriter at him

repoSSEssion of properties.

Send it :D
Send it Mighty. Every year I get the same letter, "You failed to respond to.....blah.....fine......£1000, etc" even though I never received the first letter! And I found the last threatening letter under my car passenger seat last month, nearly 8 months old! I don't bother replying now. The next letter they get from me is the one when I claim my pension.
stop beating about the bush you mealy mouthed poof ....

take it personally and deliver it by brick ... or molotov cocktail through his office window.

you could reduce it in size to

"contact me again .... and i'll cut ya !"
I received one similarly, from the medical services a couple of years ago. The most annoying part was that my husband was posted to Kentigern House at the time, was my listed next of kin, yet still they didn't manage to get a letter to me before the threatening one! I hold my hands up and admit that I havent been sending change of addresses as often as I should to them, but with a still serving spouse (working just along the corridor from them!), not to mention both my parents working in the building can get my drift.....
Sheer incompetence.
And then there was the surprise my mother had when my "P" file landed on her desk with a "what shall we do with this?" note attached. It had already done its rounds of the in-trays in Kentigern House when my mother (not working for the AMS manning and records dept) sent it on to its righful home. It pleases me no end to know that hundreds of people could peruse my Military records. That will be "medical" in confidence for you!!





Mighty_doh_nut said:
Goku said:
Probably not the best way to speak to your boss unless you genuinely don’t care if he over reacts to it
My boss???????

Ive been out nearly as long as I was in
Fcuk him then

Don’t forget to include a picture of your winking arrse hole

Mr Happy

MDN, the only thing I would mention is that if it can really only be sent this way then you should ensure that he can't draft you back in as a L/Cpl in the CERTAIN DEATH TROOP of the pioneer mine-clearers currently working on OPERATION REALLY HARD WITH NO SUPPORT AND NO MEDICS WHATSOEVER issued only with a SA80 A1, RG ammo and a broken extractor as well as some quite manky mags with rusting springs.

If you are sure that he'll not be able to re-enlist you, tomorrow or any day until you're dead of old age (laws change, w######s have long memories) then goferit!

Oh yeah. You could always pop a (cancelled) cheque in the letter just to wind him up!
I was going to send a cheque for £1k with 'Go away grubby man on it'

but if someone did that to me I'd bank it and have the last laugh :D

He can re-enlist me if he likes, I'll bet him his £1k that I am SNLR'd same day :D
I sent something similar several years ago. I really wnated someone from MRO to turn up at my door to tell me off. I had worked up the ultimate bollocking for them. they never came though. Cowards. 12 years of them sending me where I didn't want to go and once I was finally at where I wanted to be they still try to threaten me!
MDN, a classic response. I do, however, feel it is missing a vital component which will reinforce your displeasure.

Drink 20 pints of Guinness and after laying down a 2 footer in the pot the next morning, caress the back of the letter with a nice wheelspin. That way Col fuckwit will not only read your annoyance he will spend the next 12 hours trying to wash it of his fingers

Mighty_doh_nut said:
I was going to send a cheque for £1k with 'Go away grubby man on it'

but if someone did that to me I'd bank it and have the last laugh :D
Send it!!!
I received similar a while ago, completed it incorrectly and stuck a post-it with, "NFI" written on it in the envelope.
Still no response...
I wish I'd included the cheque!

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