THREAT LEVELS

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Geordiek, Dec 31, 2009.

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  1. I was sent this and found it quite funny:

    TRANSPORTATION CHANGES AND THREAT LEVELS

    These are strange times with weird things occurring in the air travel and the international transportation industries. Most nations are making restrictive changes. Here is a summary:

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

    The Scots raised their threat level from "Nicked Off" to "Get the Bastards".. They don't have any other levels. For this reason they have been used on the front lines of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The first four Canadian threat levels are still “Contented,” “Awake,” “Alert” and “Worried”. Alone among western nations, they remain at “Contented.” They say its because the recent episode did miss them so they don’t want to offend anyone by increasing Canadian security alertness. Their highest level, by the way, is “Time to visit the aunt in Fargo, North Dakota again. eh?”

    The French government announced yesterday it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The increase was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

    It's not only the commonwealth and the French who are on a heightened level of security awareness, though.....

    Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Strike Elaborate Military Poses". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Proudly Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all away on their usual holidays, and the only threat they are worried about is of NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are excited to see their new class of submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed futuristic subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans, meanwhile, besides asking for underwear checks on all inbound flight passengers, are scheduling pre-emptive full-blown Air Force One presidential visits to all their allies, mostly just to keep everybody else busy and pre-occupied.

    New Zealand has raised its security levels from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a lot of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some lads with toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), the Kiwis only have one more level of escalation, which is "Australia Will Probably Come and Rescue Us Again".

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll Be Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie This Weekend" and "The Barbie is Canceled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
     
  2. Gremlin

    Gremlin LE Good Egg (charities)

    That's a bit 2005/6 isn't it?
     
  3. No mention anywhere of threat level 'Outraged' though.
     
  4. I like that! :)
     
  5. Is that because the 'outraged' state is confined to Arrse??
     
  6. What about the Australian Declaration of War; 'Who Drank My Beer?'