Thought of the day.

And Jesus fasted in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights, all the while thinking ..........

" I wish I'd eaten more than ******* pancakes before I started this. "
I've seen the Guinness adverts........

"Guinness for strength!"

"Guinness is good for you!"

I must have missed the one that said, "Guinness turns your turds into fizzy black gravy!"
A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up & never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure & comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, she will enable him to express deepest emotions & give in to his most intimate desires.

she will make him feel confident & sexy, seductive & invincible...........

No wait... I'm thinking of Lager, it's ******* Lager that does that.

******* hell, I had too much to drink last night celebrating St Patricks day..........

I'd better get my arse out of bed and get to work as I'm late already and Friday is always a busy day.
A teacher was teaching her primary school class punctuation, she asks Leroy, "What do need to finish a sentence?" Leroy replies, "Parole."
A husband in Romania set fire to his house so his wife couldn't get it as part of the divorce.........

In the UK we are a bit fairer, the house is split 50-50, with the man traditionally getting the outside.
I was asked to make a speech at my mate's funeral.

Trying to put a positive spin on things, I said, "our only consolation is that Steve died doing something he loved......."

Apparently that's considered inappropriate in cases of autoerotic asphyxiation.

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