Those times you just wish you had a camera.

Part of my job means that I get to travel a lot. Unfortunately, this is not an international jet-setter, James Bond-like, surrounded by silicon packed Bikinis and wearing Rohypnol eau-de-cologne type of travel.
It's more of a "Let's see what kind of an armpit of a country we can send that bastard Turbogoat to this week" kind of thing. In fact, I think my illustrious bosses are running some kind of 'Dead pool' lottery on me, trying to pick which nationality will finally be the one to feed me the local delicacy of death type cooking. (My money is on an American MacDonalds Happy meal).

This week, they sent me to the sunny shores of Sudan. My God, it's the Ibiza of Africa that place, I'm amazed they haven't opened up a Disneyworld there yet. They could make a fortune, however the Janjaweed singing "It's a small world after all" as they ethnically cleanse the Darfur region might send a mixed message.

So anyway, I'm finally getting out of the place, crawling my way through KRT airport - possibly the last known international airport not to have a computer in the place. Everything is done by hand, my hand written boarding pass gets a very authoritative sticker on it to show me how official it is. Unfortunately, the sun is about to go down, and the place just grinds to a halt. Never mind that there is an international flight that needs to depart with a few hundred people who may just have a schedule to try and keep. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE just walks off. The ticket agent, the airline lackeys, the baggage handlers, even the airport security bozos. (You want to look terror in the eye? Imagine minimum wage airport security staff based in Khartoum.) Sadly, they lock the doors to prevent the cattle class passengers from escaping onto the taxiways.

We eventually get onto the aircraft, to everyone's relief, and thankfully my frequent flier status puts me into Business class. I get to sneer at the proletarian scum of my until-recently-fellow-travellers as the shuffle by my padded lay-z-boy type chair into their battery hen enclosures.

I've gleefully talked the young hostie into leaving a bottle of red at my seat even before the doors have closed and I'm getting stuck into that as the plane eventually takes off, rumbling down the runway that feels like it's been made out of cobblestones, or possibly the skulls of the genocide victims.

Just as the wheel leave the ground, I hear this POP-pop-pop-POP-BLWAAAAAARK!
Oh Christ I think to myself, some hijacker with a BB gun is shooting chickens. As I'm wondering if I will get another bottle of Red if I use this one to mallet the hijacker with, I look around, to see the front few rows of economy passengers have all taken the yellow life jackets out, put them over their thick heads and inflated them. One fat cow who looks like she's eaten several inflated life jackets had the thing wrapped around her head, and the twin life jacket chambers made her look like Daisy Duck with Angelina Jolie sized collagen injections. For some reason I couldn't work out, if she why was trying to look like a duck, why the feck was she making chicken noises?

At this point in time I'm laughing so hard at the sight of this carnage that there's no possible way I could have ever held a camera steady, but I'm still gutted I didn't have a camera at the ready.

The ensuing chaos as the hosties - who apparently weren't hired for their crowd control capabilities - tried to restore order and deflate the life jackets lasted long enough for me to finish the bottle of Red from a front row view.
Oh jeez boet,
Funniest thing I've read all day.

Thanks for that
Brillliant - comes close to the panic about 12 years ago, on an internal Russian flight. Doors closed, Hosties just commencing safety brief - pilot emerges from cock-pit and asks a question in the native tongue. I find the request, for someone to pay for the fuel at this late hour, as worrying!
I wish i had remembered the camera on my phone a couple of months back when i witnessed a youth who had clearly consumed too much alcohol throwing his ring up next to a telephone box, only to inform his mate that he had emptied his back at the same time. Still makes me chuckle to this day!
Cheers that was good


Book Reviewer
Friends of the family were on holiday in Egypt. The were flying from one part of the country to the other on what could only be described as Buddy Holly Airlines. Couple of mins before takeoff one of them looks out of the window and spots the 2 pilots on the runway praying to Mecca. Not enough time to get the camera out.
When someone did have a camera - outside the Treasury in London 2 days ago, an armoured Rover 75 (so it 's Broon's or Darling's).

Well done that driver.



Kit Reviewer
My only trip to the US, and on the return flight we were sat next to an absolute monster of a yank bird. She was so fat she couldn't fit her arrse into the seat and she spent the entire journey with her legs and back basically in a straight line. Fat heifer should have been charged for two seats. If we'd left her behind I could've brought another two suitcases with me and still saved fuel. Watching her try and reach the TV remote on the chair's arm, or trying to lower her tray, was hilarious. I don't imagine for one second this is a particularly unique moment, however.

I'm going again on Saturday so I'll be keeping an eye open for American lardarrses singlehandedly reducing the fuel economy of a plane by 50%.

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