Those Arrse phone taps in full

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by King_of_the_Burpas, Jul 6, 2011.

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  1. Right, I can't flog these to the Screws now, so I thought I'd post them here. They're genuine phone tap transcripts of Arrsers. Any more welcome.....


    Falshirmjager: "Hello, look, I'm going to sit on the fence on this one. To be honest, I've had words with the padre and I'm keen to embrace diversity. We airborne chaps could learn a lot from our French cousins." RECORDED 6/7/09

    Mr Deputy: "Hi, yes, 'tis me. I wonder if I could borrow that old joke book again? The last one did me wonders. I got so many 'likes'.... er, no I'm not going to pay for it. I have an arrangement with the publisher." RECORDED 5/9/07

    Jarrod: "Hi, is that (VERY FAMOUS ACTOR WITH SUPER INJUNCTION)? Hello, Heartface. I'm afraid I haven't got the shallots for the marinade, so it will have to be KFC as usual" RECORDED 4/2/09

    Pararegtom: "Er, roger that. Can't seem to find the grid. Er, hang on, I've to put another 50p in the phone. BEEP BEEP BEEP. Wait out. BEEEEEEP" RECORDED 4/4/76

    Good CO: "Look, I'm not prepared to have spam like this on the site unless you channel £60 into the usual account. Do you still have any of those bungee things left?" RECORDED 2/1/11

    Tropper66: "Hello, is that the British Library? My name is Archimedes and I've invented this amazing screw-type thing." RECORDED 214BC

    I refuse to resign for posting this. It's all in the public interest.
     
    • Like Like x 15
  2. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    The_Iron_Duke: ''Hi is that B&Q? Yeah I'm just phoning to enquire about my bill, it's a little steep, are you sure I spent £76,331 on garden furniture and tools last month?''
     
  3. Whet, "Is that the DHSS, please its not true what they are saying about me on ARRSE, I dont drive my car & I often zzzzzzzz."
     
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  4. Ravers: "Hello .... hello... is that Currys? I wanted some advice. I need the biggest, most feck off-sized, annoying picture for my posts. Something involving Star Wars, my fave flick, to be honest. I need it to annoy my creditors when I post on the Arrse thingy...."
     
    • Like Like x 3
  5. The Lord Flash Hart: "Fuck off chubb!" RECORDED 3,412,000 times
     
    • Like Like x 4
  6. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    BBR, "Hello, is that the Samaritans? I'm pissed and I just twatted my partner. I need some hel.........BANG..........................................................................................Thud.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

    "Hello caller"

    "Hello"

    "Are you there?"
     
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  7. Five Alpha: "Afternoon. Can I speak to whoever is in charge? I bought this pointy hood in good faith, but some dozy twat has forgotten to put the eye holes in it."
     
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  8. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Gerry McCann " Hi kate, I'm at the bar! Do you want the usual, can you make sure you close the kids window, I don't want the heat escaping"
     
  9. Bravo Bravo, "Whats that sir im going on what?.........Herrick.........A tour..........what the bloody hell is that".
     
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  10. TA MCM Div (or whatever it's called?) "Bravo_Bravo, good afternoon. We have your deployment papers in the office, I just need a couple of details off you for NOK etc, before we can compulsory deploy you. Can you call me on xxxxxxxxx please, failing that, I'll call you again tomorrow"

    A day later.........

    TA MCM Div, trying Bravo_Bravo again "I'm sorry, this number is no longer in service, please try another number. I'm sorry, this number is no longer in service, please try another number. I'm sorry, this number is no longer in service, please try another number."
     
    • Like Like x 6
  11. MCM DIV," Is that Bravo Bravo"

    Bravo Bravo,"Shit....er........me no speaker de inglish".
     
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  12. The Iron Duke: "Away and shite, ya coont. Monkey hanging bastaard! Oh sorry, I'd like to report a burglary officer, ya fooking skunk bastaaard coooont." RECORDED at his residence tomorrow when I get his address....
     
  13. BigBird67....No Sebcoe you ve got it wrong I know I like Marmite, but theres no way you are going to my marmite mine to fecking extract it.....!
     
  14. "Fuck off chubb!"

    3,412001.
     
  15. Your wrong Sebcoe BigBird67 had loads.
    Hello Pizza Hut can you deliver five family meals for 1700hrs.
    Hello Wong Tongs can you deliver a meal for 5 at 1800hrs.
    Hello Singhs can I have the set menu for 4 delivered at 1900hrs
    There was also abusive messages sent by Bigbird when she realised McDonalds, Kentucky FC and Burger King wouldn't deliver.