Those Arrse phone taps in full

#1
Right, I can't flog these to the Screws now, so I thought I'd post them here. They're genuine phone tap transcripts of Arrsers. Any more welcome.....


Falshirmjager: "Hello, look, I'm going to sit on the fence on this one. To be honest, I've had words with the padre and I'm keen to embrace diversity. We airborne chaps could learn a lot from our French cousins." RECORDED 6/7/09

Mr Deputy: "Hi, yes, 'tis me. I wonder if I could borrow that old joke book again? The last one did me wonders. I got so many 'likes'.... er, no I'm not going to pay for it. I have an arrangement with the publisher." RECORDED 5/9/07

Jarrod: "Hi, is that (VERY FAMOUS ACTOR WITH SUPER INJUNCTION)? Hello, Heartface. I'm afraid I haven't got the shallots for the marinade, so it will have to be KFC as usual" RECORDED 4/2/09

Pararegtom: "Er, roger that. Can't seem to find the grid. Er, hang on, I've to put another 50p in the phone. BEEP BEEP BEEP. Wait out. BEEEEEEP" RECORDED 4/4/76

Good CO: "Look, I'm not prepared to have spam like this on the site unless you channel £60 into the usual account. Do you still have any of those bungee things left?" RECORDED 2/1/11

Tropper66: "Hello, is that the British Library? My name is Archimedes and I've invented this amazing screw-type thing." RECORDED 214BC

I refuse to resign for posting this. It's all in the public interest.
 

Ravers

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#2
The_Iron_Duke: ''Hi is that B&Q? Yeah I'm just phoning to enquire about my bill, it's a little steep, are you sure I spent £76,331 on garden furniture and tools last month?''
 
#3
Whet, "Is that the DHSS, please its not true what they are saying about me on ARRSE, I dont drive my car & I often zzzzzzzz."
 
#4
Ravers: "Hello .... hello... is that Currys? I wanted some advice. I need the biggest, most feck off-sized, annoying picture for my posts. Something involving Star Wars, my fave flick, to be honest. I need it to annoy my creditors when I post on the Arrse thingy...."
 
#5
The Lord Flash Hart: "Fuck off chubb!" RECORDED 3,412,000 times
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#6
BBR, "Hello, is that the Samaritans? I'm pissed and I just twatted my partner. I need some hel.........BANG..........................................................................................Thud.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

"Hello caller"

"Hello"

"Are you there?"
 
#7
Five Alpha: "Afternoon. Can I speak to whoever is in charge? I bought this pointy hood in good faith, but some dozy twat has forgotten to put the eye holes in it."
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#8
Gerry McCann " Hi kate, I'm at the bar! Do you want the usual, can you make sure you close the kids window, I don't want the heat escaping"
 
#10
TA MCM Div (or whatever it's called?) "Bravo_Bravo, good afternoon. We have your deployment papers in the office, I just need a couple of details off you for NOK etc, before we can compulsory deploy you. Can you call me on xxxxxxxxx please, failing that, I'll call you again tomorrow"

A day later.........

TA MCM Div, trying Bravo_Bravo again "I'm sorry, this number is no longer in service, please try another number. I'm sorry, this number is no longer in service, please try another number. I'm sorry, this number is no longer in service, please try another number."
 
#11
TA MCM Div (or whatever it's called?) "Bravo_Bravo, good afternoon. We have your deployment papers in the office, I just need a couple of details off you for NOK etc, before we can compulsory deploy you. Can you call me on xxxxxxxxx please, failing that, I'll call you again tomorrow"

A day later.........

TA MCM Div, trying Bravo_Bravo again "I'm sorry, this number is no longer in service, please try another number. I'm sorry, this number is no longer in service, please try another number. I'm sorry, this number is no longer in service, please try another number."
MCM DIV," Is that Bravo Bravo"

Bravo Bravo,"Shit....er........me no speaker de inglish".
 
#12
The Iron Duke: "Away and shite, ya coont. Monkey hanging bastaard! Oh sorry, I'd like to report a burglary officer, ya fooking skunk bastaaard coooont." RECORDED at his residence tomorrow when I get his address....
 
#15
Your wrong Sebcoe BigBird67 had loads.
Hello Pizza Hut can you deliver five family meals for 1700hrs.
Hello Wong Tongs can you deliver a meal for 5 at 1800hrs.
Hello Singhs can I have the set menu for 4 delivered at 1900hrs
There was also abusive messages sent by Bigbird when she realised McDonalds, Kentucky FC and Burger King wouldn't deliver.
 
#16
Afghan Kandak: "Yaksmash, is this the office of the recruiting for British Army of American lapdogs? My is wanting to join as tippy toppy language of the translating"

Recruitment office: "You what mate? You on a wind up?"

AK: "My are not winding of the up you murderer of innocent Afghans! My are wanting advice to join as translatorer so I can assist in invasion of Pakistan!!"

RO: "Are you on drugs mate?"

AK: "It makes bottom less sore after dancing for my many uncles but my are serious in wanting to join zionist British Army of American imperialism."

RO: "Have you heard of a website called ARRSE? Pop along and ask them for advice mate, they'll accept you into their arms like an old friend."

AK: "This is most helpful informations, my you be blessed with many attractive sons. Yaksmash"

RO: "Yeah, see you pal *snigger*"

Recorded ten minutes before Afghan Kandak graced us with his sublime presence.
 
#17
Your wrong Sebcoe BigBird67 had loads.
Hello Pizza Hut can you deliver five family meals for 1700hrs.
Hello Wong Tongs can you deliver a meal for 5 at 1800hrs.
Hello Singhs can I have the set menu for 4 delivered at 1900hrs
There was also abusive messages sent by Bigbird when she realised McDonalds, Kentucky FC and Burger King wouldn't deliver.
Its true I tell you! its recorded!
 
#18
Steven Seagull you have just made the most serious error possible, by mentioning Afghan Kandak by name in a post you have just invited him into the chat....its worst than saying beetlejuice three times..........we will all now have to endure his sh*te in here.
 
#19
Your wrong Sebcoe BigBird67 had loads.
Hello Pizza Hut can you deliver five family meals for 1700hrs.
Hello Wong Tongs can you deliver a meal for 5 at 1800hrs.
Hello Singhs can I have the set menu for 4 delivered at 1900hrs
There was also abusive messages sent by Bigbird when she realised McDonalds, Kentucky FC and Burger King wouldn't deliver.

Do they not deliver to you then? Oh...and you forgot Greggs! If you're going to do this phone tapping thing you need to stay on the ball...if you slope off to the pub you'll miss the juicy ones like...


Harry...Harry...guess what? You'll NEVER guess?? Kate loves it up the Marmite Mine!! Yeah....gen dit mate! She said Pippa got her into it when they were on the lacrosse tour!Oh and Granny says you can have your spurs back...even THEY couldn't get Grampy up!! Ciao....laters...yep yep....laters!
 
#20
AMMM:"..........so, I was, like, really rather annoyed when Jass, my fave garlfriend, said that I'd be just right for, like, starring in the new Tena Lady ad! I mean, God!, you know, she's like 40 or something which is, like, OLD! Hagar always says that Tharty Six should be, like, a breast size and he should know! Anyway, I was trying to, like, show the Hand Grenade how the MultiMix works and then God! one of my cells started, like, buzzing and I thought 'Uh oh!' Bex -that's my other fave garlfriend Rebakah Wade or Brooks or, like whatever - is begging for my advice and she's, like Oh. My . God. and................"

TimTime: "..........at the third stroke, you whey-faced harridan, it will be 12, 42 and 15......................."
 

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