This time of year, that sort of thing...

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Cuddles, Apr 12, 2011.

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  1. Obviously at this time of year one's thoughts turn lightly to "When is St Scammell's Day" and will the big brunette from the village shop be displaying even more of her chebs soonest?

    Yet also at this time of year the plaguey fuckers in yellow and black stripes come out to annoy...and I don't mean the inbreds of the "Seventh Nation" on an away day from Redruth. I mean bloody jaspers, wasps!

    Today I had three of the bastards in the house but these weren't the usual dozy bang-bang-bang against the window until a rolled up copy of RUSI Defence Journal puts them to "sleep". no, these my brethren were spetz-wasps. Wasp number one was under the tooth mug this morning. A good strategy but one that it clearly hadn't thought through...squish.

    Number two was in the fridge. A good FUP for an attack on Cuddles one would think but of course it cryogenically handicapped itself and was swiftly done away with using a handy chorizo sausage as an improvised baton. number three was hard-core. he had hidden in the dog's cupboard and was on the shelf at eye-level...on opening the door, I clocked him, he clocked me and raised his wings. I shut the door, armed myself with a convenient packet of Vanish and then swiftly opened the door and "double-tapped" him into extinction.

    I think he wasn't expecting such a swift response but he and his crew were compromised ever since tooth brushing time this morning. God alone knows what the missing fourth member of the team is up to but I'll pull the duvet all the way back tonight. He's probably half way to Syria, yacking about percentage points off the bottom line and US publicity tours on his mobile with his publisher though.

    In other news...I dug the mother of all flower beds Saturday and yesterday. Drinking my coffee I inspected it this morning full of artisan pride, "Capability Cuddles" to the life. already a fucking cat has designated my garden's new adornment as latrine du jour. I am taking the BSA to bed tonight and around six tomorrow, as the feline pooper is squatting to unload, it will get a Diablo .22 suppository.
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  2. A wasp managed to stow away in my jeans as a child. It didn't sting me when I put said jeans on or during the half hour walk to the playground. The bloody thing waited until I sat on it going down the slide to sting me on the arse! Although in fairness I did flatten the fucker in the process.

    Is it wrong that I giggle like mad when I see my cat squatting on next doors roses?
  3. If they are my roses? No, I'd like your last memory of your cat to be a happy one...
  4. Note to self...must get tuna and slug pellets tomorrow and knock up some tomcat's revenge. Note to self...remember this time, it's two of tuna to one of slug pellets and not the other way round...
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  5. Broke out the grass tank this weekend myself. After sitting neglected under a tarpaulin all winter started on the first pull after adding a little fuel.

    Damage so far, 3 inch graze on the top of my head after hitting said head on the same fecking branch that I hit every time I do it. One insect bite to my right hand that itches like mad.

    Also collected a blood sucking tick which I was left to remove on my own with my Leatherman and a small bottle of alcohol (non drinkable variety) whilst the canine family member who is currently lame and hopping around on three pins after a misjudged attempt at shagging the neighbours Husky, "with the best will in the world he was not going to get anywhere without some sort of box to stand on". Well you will be relieved to hear that he also collected a tick that was lovingly teased from his head and suffered no ill effects whilst I managed to tear the offending insect from my breast and leave the head in requiring that I dig the remains out with a pin and a knife.

    This will continue now until Autumn comes around and I begin the pine cone leaf collection injury cycle of barely controlled bonfires, garden shredder that seems to require human blood to sustain itself and chainsaw that after refusing to start after being cleaned dismantled put back together, plug warmed fuel changed hours of pulling, will be left on the bench in disgust until another male, usually one that has been mentioned by the bride in some positive (why are you not more like him manner) comes along and with sharp pull sets it alight as if it was brand new.

    Did I mention that I hate gardening?
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  6. Huuuuooge fucker of a wasp flew into the kitchen on Sunday morning, managed to evacuate 2/3rds of the household as everyone else disappeared in fear leaving me to tackle the beast. I've decided I've got too many bits-n-bobs on my window shelves as they were hampering my attempts to get at the monstrosity. It eventually flew out the way it came so is probably terrorizing the neighbours as I type.

    I thought about giving the lawn it's first grade 2 of the year on Sunday, but was busy recovering from Saturday night, so thought "Fuck it, I've got Monday off, I'll do it then." Might have been a wise thing to check the weather report...
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  7. The dog has been bitten/stung on his bum just next to his self cleaning orifice, not sure whether he sat on an ants nest or if it was some other beastie, whatever it has been driving him mad.

    I also thought I would leave the grass till today, however it has now started to rain so I will continue to get condemnatory stares from the neighbours for letting the tidyness of the street down.
  8. We have hornets.Big fuck off ugly hornets.I know were the nest is,but cannot access it easily unless I take the roof tiles off the stable.
  9. I like to clamp down on wasps like health und saferty clamp down on fireworks displays, Best way I find is a can of deodrant with a lighter and WHOOOSSSSHHH. Had a spetz wasp last year and must have torched the fucker about six times and still the bastard refused to die for 48 hours. I'm not cruel its just I didn't want to take any risk on releasing the burnt and extremely pissed off Jasper. Must have been spam trained though as previously it did have a struggle with getting out of the window a case of bzzzt plink bzzzt plink.
  10. Deodorant and lighter produces too much residual noxious gases after flame assault. WD40 and lighter is a true flame thrower with a more controllable spray that can be moved onto target. It also acts as napalm as it sticks to surfaces and burns nicely. I had a typical nasty little boy upbringing and speak from experience.
  11. [Originally Posted by Bumblebee89
    A wasp managed to stow away in my jeans as a child. It didn't sting me when I put said jeans on or during the half hour walk to the playground. The bloody thing waited until I sat on it going down the slide to sting me on the arse! Although in fairness I did flatten the fucker in the process.]

    Similar experience at an outdoor cafe. Fecker flew up my leg, (stupidly, I'd seen it but assumed it had flown out again). We walked back to the train station and got on the train, which was crowded with day-trippers. There was lump on my thigh, which I brushed and then scratched. My fellow passengers were suddenly treated to the sight of somebody frenetically jumping up and down and taking his jeans off in the aisle. They didn't pay too much attention - I assume because it was in Holland and they were used to that sort of thing from foreigners - but my companions thought it was a riot.
  12. We've just installed a little water fountain on the patio, which both kids and all three pets have decided is some sort of glammed up water cooler, judging by the way they all keep dipping their grids in it. No doubt this will act as some sort of magnet for all things waspish and beeish. All I can say is if them little fuckers come near me while I'm sat having a beer, watch out. Hell hath no fury like a good pint spoiled.
  13. I'm sort of against taking the house out in the pursuit of those little fuckers, no matter how evil they are.
  14. Aaah, but you'll never have a problem with them in your house afterwards!