This is why lawyers should never ask .....(funnyish)

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  1. This is why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer...

    In a trial, a small Texas town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

    He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

    She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

    She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

    The defense attorney almost died!

    At this point, the judge brought the court room to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards ask her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
     
  2. Actual voir dire examination of a prospective juror in a Florida capital murder trial:

    Defense counsel: Could you bring yourself to participate in condemning a man to die in the electric chair?

    A: They do that at Raiford [state penitentiary], don't they? Yeah, I guess I could if we could do it on a weekend."
     
  3. Actual cross-examination of the plaintiff masonry contractor, an Italian immigrant, in his action, against the landlord, for restitution:

    Q: Your man Giuseppe, do you claim that he is actually a skilled mason?

    A: Very fine-a mason.

    Q: And what about Rocco? I suppose you claim that he's a competent mason, too?

    A: Even better than Giuseppe.

    Q: And even Guido?

    A: Best of the three.

    Q: Well, sir, as a matter of fact, in your opinion everyone who calls himself a mason is a skillful worker, correct?

    A: No. Just-a like-a lawyers. Some-a good, some-a rotten.