Things

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by LazyCaretaker, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. WHAT term describes a woman paralysed from the waist down? Married.

    WHAT’S the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? You only have to take the wheelie bin out once a week.

    WHY is air a lot like sex? Because it’s no big deal until you aren’t getting any.

    HOW does a man plan for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

    What’s the difference between an ice hockey game and a school reunion? At a hockey game you see the pucks…

    WHY does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg? None of them bother to stop for directions.

    How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two – if you slice them thinly enough.

    HEARD about the Lorena Bobbit Virus? It turns your hard disk into a three-inch floppy.

    WHAT’S worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

    WHAT does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

    DID you hear about the morning after pill for men? It changes your blood type.

    Why do female black widow spiders kill their partners after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

    Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid but not many are blind.

    What do theme parks and Viagra have in common? They both make you wait forever for a two- minute ride.

    Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

    What do Eskimos get if they sit on the ice for too long? Polaroid’s.

    What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A year later, the dog is still pleased to see you.

    What do you do if the dishwasher stops working? Shout at her.

    What’s six inches long, two inches wide and drives a woman wild? Banknotes.

    Why did the one-handed man cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.

    If you wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain to long.

    Why did the turkey cross the road twice? To prove he wasn’t chicken.

    How do you make your girlfriend scream out loud while you’re having sex? Phone her to let let her know what she is missing.