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Things you only do once

Random_Task said:
fry bacon with no clothes on.

Eggs for me. Woke up the next day, hungover to feck and wondered what all those painful red burn marks were doing down my front.

Fall asleep on the doorstep pished...in winter.

Come in pished, wake the missus up trying to get clothes off, falling asleep nekkid but with your keks around your ankles. She got up, took the quilt and went and slept in the living room, not before opening the window wide...again in winter.

Seeing how far a bungee will actually stretch over a cam net and wondering why you come to on your back with a big lump on your head.
 
Random_Task said:
fry bacon with no clothes on.

Already done that, Ooh I just remembered another, getting circumcised is something I wont be repeating, even if I could, I wouldnt
 
Have a competition to see who can set light to their hand for the longest.

Step 1. Get very drunk.
Step 2. Find bottle of BBQ lighter fluid.
Step 3. Propose competition to see who can keep their BBQ lighter fluid soaked had lit the longest.
Step 4. Wake up the next day with a hand that looks like dog food. :sad:
 
Spray graffiti on the tube...
 
Try the Mrs's new Lime shower gell then wonder why the skin is peeling off the end of your knob the next morning.
Actually I didn't twig and did do it a 2nd time, seriously painful and very very worrying......
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
PlasticCabDriver said:
Why shouldn't you w@nk with Vosene?

One suspects it gives a whole new meaning to 'Say goodbye to split ends'?

Tell a bunch of Danish Hells Angels that Harley Davidson is tractor technology.

Tell your girl her sister was better.

Walk into any pub outside Wales or Cornwall and announce you love Man U.
 
Change the barrel of a Gimpy after putting 600 rds through it in about 4 minutes. Bare handed not using the handle properly. Fcuking OUCH!!!
 

Gyran_Tol

Clanker
Tell the wife / gf she is too fat and better get on a diet or else.
 

dazk55

Old-Salt
taffridge said:
Random_Task said:
fry bacon with no clothes on.

Already done that, Ooh I just remembered another, getting circumcised is something I wont be repeating, even if I could, I wouldnt

Sorry but it is the best thing I ever did, especially aged 31, you have to learn how to use it all over again, but AFTER the operation, once it's all healed up !.

What you DONT do ever again, is just 3 hours after the operation, day dream about taking the student nurses, up the wrong 'un, one a time.

Stitches were like a piano wire, hurt like feck, but makes yer c@ck get bigger 'cos of the pain.

Stiches burst, re-stitched with just a local spray to "numb" the area, my arrse it did, just started the erection process all over again, could feel everything ! especially the thread being tugged through where your cupola cover used to join your shaft / grip area.
So Doctor, resorted to a freezing spary to get the chap down, "I must be careful not to give you frostbite Mr Dazk55".

Hurt like hell. Bloody NHS !!

But great afterwards, a new me really !!
 

nurse_ratched

Old-Salt
In the same 'vein' so to speak... Prepare your favourite curry, cut down the heat by de-seeding the ripe green chilli, go for a pish and marvel at the fiery knob motif... equally, you could have a firkle with the wife's clit and see what she says
 

RABC

LE
get pished and do your best John Travolta impersonation on the dance floor - the day you had a vasectomy - its a good way to cultivate enormous nuts though
 
nurse_ratched said:
In the same 'vein' so to speak... Prepare your favourite curry, cut down the heat by de-seeding the ripe green chilli, go for a pish and marvel at the fiery knob motif... equally, you could have a firkle with the wife's clit and see what she says

Try chopping and de-seeding chillis then forgetting and rearranging your contact lens.

Like fcuking AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!
 

whit_RE

War Hero
1. Wnak with swarfega
2. Pish on an electric fence
3. Vasectomy - don't try and be nails with just a 'local'
4. Drop an MGB kerb into hawley lake at night
 

Giblets

War Hero
Knob the girl next door and then invite round to yours for dinner - especially when the missus has cooked dinner.

Walk round Baghdad wearing a skull cap and shout "Death to Camelshaggers!"
 

Redshaggydog

War Hero
1. Touch the back of a plug which is plugged into the mains an switched on but some fool has taken the back off - don't ask.

2. Touch the back of a TV when it is on and some fool has left the back off.

3. Use the 50' barrell to grab onto when you are almost thrown out of the back of a WMIK.

4. Put you foot behind a stake peg to steady it when malletting it with an FBH... damn quick finish to an exercise though.
 
take out your own episiotomy stitches with tweezers and TCP cos they're too tight and pulling abit!!!! TCP and girly bits DO NOT mix
 

Ord_Sgt

RIP
RIP
You see I didn't know what that was (episiotomy) and made the mistake of looking it up. You really didn't need to tell us that now did you. :shakefist:
 

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