Things you only do once

I've always found that if something is a bad idea I will end up doing it, why? because I'm extremely stupid and always have to learn the hard way. here are five things I've only done once.

1) Estimated my bergan weight before a CFT. (too light ended up with a load of rocks that put me 8 kg over... shoit!)

2)Attempted to shave around my anus with a gillette blu 2

3)Spit roasted a whore with the section mentalist (Kept fartin and suggestin we top her if she fails to deliver brown wings)

4)Tried to sneak into camp after losin ID card, (Ripped trousers and those dogs dont fcuk about)

5) Wanked with Vosene

My advice is dont try any of the above, please post your nuggets of wisdom so I dont do any more stupid things


Things you only do once:

Cut the wrong wire on a home-made bomb.

Tell a para he looks a berk with his beret pulled over his minces like that.

Walk into a pub in Glasgow and loudly exclaim: "Hey, this place if full of fückin' Jocks!"

See how close you can land to the power lines when you're parachuting.

Try and engage Becks and Posh in proper conversation.

Look down the barrel of your mate's SA80 and say: "I think it might be a bit bent. Let off a round, but real slow, like".

Lose your virginity.


Book Reviewer
Take a laxative and a sleeping tablet on the same night
Pull the pin on a grenade, lose your step and watch it bounce off the floor, roll and come to rest by the SgtMaj's feet.

Happened to me once. Good thing it was a training mission.
shag jade goody (someone had to say it)

hop scotch in a minefield

try and do my wife up the wrong un!!!!
datumhead said:
shag jade goody (someone had to say it)

hop scotch in a minefield

try and do my wife up the wrong un!!!!

Tell me about it. She fought and screamed like a wildcat.
Leave veet cream on your nether regions for longer than the stated 5 mins.

Listen to a squaddie when he says he will pull out before he shoots hes load.
Show up for a date with the condom already 'mounted'.
I was cutting the grass and ran over the cable on picking up both ends for some reason best known to my self and I put it down to the fact I was listening to my ipod I decided to lick both ends!!!!

Lesson learnt!
Smelt gas by a fire in a pub and stuck my head near where I thought the smell was and lit a lighter. No eyebrows and a singed head, barstaff squirting me with a soda syphon to cool down! Lesson well and truly learnt. I was mullered at the time surprisingly.


volunteer for anyhting (d**ked with a two week exercise in brecon playing enemy)

pish on the missus at 0400 at her mum and dads when mullered and looking for the toilet
Put after-shave down your trousers in the hope that it might improve your chances on a Friday night. (Teenagers only).

Go for a p*ss after applying oil of cloves to your gums when suffering from toothache. Trust me, the toothache will disappear but there'll be another world of pain.
Hitting on your mother-in-law because she whispered in your ear that she might be open "to anything." Including **** sex.
Devil dog, did that really happen?

Or are you just a gifted humourist? I'm intrigued.
Gifted humourist me? :biggrin:

Actually it did happen. Long story for another day (tomorrow after I sober up.) Hint: It was a test and I failed miserably.
Measure twice, cut once.
Say: "Woops..."

(in fact it could be the last thing you say)

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